Anyway, so one of the new chicks on my full critique board read it. And liked it enough to read it all in one go. Which is good. And she caught several small glich problems that are technical things like a bad it's vs its and an impromptu name change that my find/change didn't get. So all fixable. On the other hand, she says that I don't have enough regional flavor. Which sort of got me to thinking. Do we even have regional flavor in suburban Atlanta? I think not. Well, not unless Bed, Bath and Beyond has gotten regional and Starbucks has changed headquarters. I see what she means though. She's thinking grits and greens and Scarlett and Tara. But we just don't have that here so much anymore do we? And that is so sad. I mean now we're not all Old South which is all charity balls, The Masters and lunching where we will be seen. Instead, we are New South which is all Nascar, chain restaurants and Target. So let's make a list of what Southern women do so that I can work this in, tell me if I miss some:
- Cope.
- Join the Junior League.
- Sit on charity committees especially the Hospitality Committee since that's where you get to make centerpiece and menu decisions.
- Drive expensive cars in happy colors like yellow or red.
- Have big, blonde hair held in place with gallons of Final Net which you are still bitter about no longer coming in an aerosole can.
- Grits, fried chicken, cheese straws, cake (but not rum cake since that would be inappropriate to take to a church social) which has a name like Aunt Flo's Chocolate Choo Choo Cake or Nana Anna's Banana Extravaganza Cake.
- Cook Coca Cola Hams, Coca Cola Cakes and know how to clean gunk off of windshields using...Coca Cola. Also, own stock in Coca Cola.
- Funeral Casseroles made of Velveeta, Durkee's french fried onions and green beans.
- Go to Church.
- Do not associate with weird groups that may be Communist, cults or bizarre exercise crazies. Yoga has Communist undertones.
- Diet (always some odd thing like the Gulf Coast Grapefruit Diet and then next week it will be the All Potato Salad Diet followed by the Dolly Parton Soup Diet).
- Enough plates, silverware and serving pieces to have a small European nation over for a buffet dinner. But none of it matches since it's all inherited (ie bought at garage sales). Not so much the deviled egg platter these days I think. Deviled eggs are probably packed full of carbs. Or fat. Or carbs and fat. Better to serve crudite which no one will eat and everyone will snigger at because it's "cheap".
- Bless her heart. This can be said after anything you say about another person and it immediately is NOT gossip. Example: "Jo Beverley's tweezed her eyebrows so much they're non-exsistent anymore, she's got this weird surprised look all the time now like someone just told her that Leo Mullins screwed up Delta. She looks awful. Bless her heart.
- All ailments should begin with The. It's just not dramatic when you announce that grandmother has bursitis but if Grandma has The Bursitis family members will rush in from all over the south-eastern United States with casseroles at the ready. Grandpa doesn't have gingivitis. He has The Gingivitis. See, much more dramatic!
- Grandma style cookin'. I myself was doing a whole flush out the system thing last week and was standing at the stove frying up my steak in about two pounds of butter in my cast iron skillet. That is some Gandma Cookin'. If I'd had some biscuits and grits I really would have been in good shape. Sadly, those items are not well known as system cleaner outters. Grandma is not interested in whatever spray butter is, fat free dairy products or why you would ever want to eat something called bok choy or tiramisu (since they sound Chinese and they are Communist).
- A subscription to Southern Living magazine.
- The complete inablility to understand why anyone would want to hang a Picasso or a Pollack on the walls of their living room. They are not attractive and rarely go with the sofa. We want pictures of flowers, kids and oceans. And if you can throw all three in the mix that's all the better.
- Referring to your mother-in-law as "Mother". For instance, Mother Smith or Mother Wilson.
- Themematic sweaters and acessories. Sweaters with santas, easter bunnies, university logos and dogs that light up. Jewelry with bulldogs, easter baskets, shamrocks and hairbows that sing Rocky Top.
- Heels. You won't catch a lot of Southern Belles in Birkenstocks or Doc Martins. In Keds or Tretorns but not Birks. Those heavy shoes look like something military. No one will ever marry you if you wear ugly shoes.
- The ability to turn a shower curtain, a water bottle, two carrots and a pile of popsicle sticks into an attractive and functional centerpiece in ten minutes or less.
- Whole hearted embracement of whatever crappy circumstance you are in. Blizzard? Let's have a neighborhood potluck so all this food doesn't go to waste and we'll do it by CANDLELIGHT! Flu? I needed to loose weight. Bankruptcy? Shopping at Goodwill is the new black!
- Martha Stewart was railroaded because she's a woman. Martha Stewart should not have gone to jail, it was a terrible waste of resources. But she did. And she coped beautifully as everyone at my Free Martha Party agreed. The jury was packed full of Communist men who probably do yoga and eat tiramisu because they live in New York City and are Yankees. Bless their hearts. Those people do not understand or deserve her. She should move down here where she can be appreciated.
- Family history. Everyone's family owned a plantation at one point. It doesn't matter that your family migrated from Poland in 1949 and your last name was Wavpolinokski before you married your husband. Relatives in the Civil War? You bet. You've got Great-great-great Uncle Cosmo's sword in the attic somewhere and you'd get it to show but you're having terrible squirrel problems up there at the moment and they may be rabid so you really don't want to take the chance one might escape and bite your guests. Related to a President? What could be less Communist then that? You can trace your family directly back to President's Madison, Hayes and Wilson. Yes, of course you could show the family tree but you're having it reframed.
- Hopelessly romantic about media arts and technically inept enough to avoid them. Titanic, Chocolat, Memoires of a Geisha, Cinderella and all romance novels? Yes. The Good Girl, Munich, anything written by Wally Lamb, all things directed by Oliver Stone (who interviewed Castro who is a Communist) or Roman Polanski(who is banished to Europe for being a pervert and is probably a Communist)? Blah.
