Thank you Fame-Tracker for saying what we all should...

March 3, 2006

The 2006 Rasco P. Soultrain Awards: Because "Rasco" is nearly "Oscar" spelled backwards

The shame. The ignominy. The RASCOs!

Famous Person of the Year

Once upon a time, it was easy to determine the Famous Person of the Year. Who had the big breakout movie? Who was suddenly on every magazine cover? Who, by virtue of his or her resplendent talent and unrelenting charisma, got the biggest bump in notoriety over the past year?

Now, however, in our post-Paris Hilton, post-Jessica Simpson, post-having-to-be-good-at-something-in-order-to-be-famous world, the question of fame is trickier. Is it the person most deserving of our increased attention? (Heath Ledger, come on down!) The person who simply hogged our attention most shamelessly? (Can't...tear...eyes...from...Nick...Lachey... and...his...dancing...brother...Drew....) Perhaps this prize should be renamed, simply, Train Wreck of the Year. (Now arriving on track 15, the Lindsay Lohan Express -- oh my God! Oh the humanity! Body parts everywhere! Very skinny body parts!)

This year, though, was a gift from above. This year, the Famous Person of the Year arrived on a shining beam of light, his pearlies gleaming and the angel choirs of L. Ron himself serenading our hero's descent. Because this year, one star personified both the best-slash-worst of mega-movie-star celebrity AND the best-slash-worst of twenty-four-hour, can't stop/won't stop, tabloid mayhem.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you the Famous Person of the Year for 2005: Mr. Tom Cruise.
You want hits? War Of The Worlds was one of the year's few certifiable blockbusters. You want media moments? The sofa-surfing on Oprah launched its own handy new phrase: jumping the couch. You want all-out, no holds barred, balls-to-the-wall, cuckoo-for-cocoa-puffs craziness? Well, now you're just being glib. Because you don't know about the history of crazy. We do.
Or, rather, Tom Cruise does. He knows about the history of crazy. Because this year, folks, he was making it.

Who could have guessed that our biggest movie star would also be the biggest clown in the three-ring celebrity circus? That the formerly tight-lipped, super-controlled, nary-a-misstep-making Tom Cruise would unravel like a cheap sweater snagged on a bent nail? Holy Moly Moses, he was the perfect storm of celebrity. There he was: on screen, on TV, on the web, grinning, leaping, snapping, fist-pumping, Katie Holmes-impregnating, sonogram-machine-buying, expectation-confounding, celebrity-redefining Tom Cruise. It's like fame was Tom Cruise's cellmate, and last year, he made fame his bitch. One crazy, over-the-top, unbelievable antic at a time.

And this year, Heaven help us and saints run for cover: he's having a baby.