New Year, New Look

We are currently under refurbishment here at Novelchick. This includes a banner change, new graphics, lists and snark. So forgive any bizarre and distracting things that are laying around on the page at the moment. All will be functional and orderly when finished. You will enjoy the comforts of Novelchicks On-Line abode more then ever. Just keep your panties on until then.

For Only $587 a night you can BE Cinderella

Let me say that I'm a huge fan of Disney. Our trip was a fabulous time and our daughter is still talking about it all the time. We all enjoyed ourselves. At the time this rumor was circulating. So here's the facts:


A Castle Suite Fit for a PrincessFor everyone who has ever dreamed of becoming fairy-tale royalty and dwelling in an enchanted castle -- even if only for a night -- the Magic Kingdom Park at Walt Disney World Resort is about to become a bit more magical. Those prince and princess dreams will come true -- for one lucky family every night throughout Year of a Million Dreams*. An exquisite fairy-tale suite is being prepared inside Cinderella Castle at the heart of the Magic Kingdom Park. What will lucky winners of a night in the castle find inside? The Insider wanted to find out, so we went to the source, Imagineer Stephen Silvestri, who has been working night and day (quite literally!) to help create a suite that's truly the stuff dreams are made of. Stephen gave us a quick verbal tour through the suite, which has been designed as though the Guest were an honored visitor spending the night as a Guest of Cinderella. Everything captures the flavor of late 17th-Century French palace life -- this is the period when the original story of Cinderella was written by Charles Perrault, and also the period in which Disney's "Cinderella" was set. "You go through a concierge area off the breezeway, with tapestries and a French desk. Then you enter the elevator, which is very 21st Century! But we looked at Cinderella's carriage from the film, and we thought that this was the carriage for the Guest to enter the suite. We took some of the design themes from the carriage -- the crest from the carriage is on the floor in a mosaic, and some pillowing on the walls. "That carries you up to the suite, which opens and then you find yourself in a lobby space. There once again we captured the time period of the late 1600s. We have all of these beautiful wooden walls with some nice mosaics or scenes from the film worked in. On the floor there's a full mosaic showing Cinderella's carriage. We went for the feeling of a chateau, more than a Gothic castle. We've got some wonderful display items there -- Cinderella's glass slipper. "Then it's time to enter the suite! When you open the door, the first thing you see is the beautiful fireplace and some of the stained-glass windows, and the parlor in the distance. "We extended some of the castle stonework into the bedchamber, because we still wanted you to feel like you're in our castle. But not on all of the walls, because stone everywhere would be a very cold experience. So some of the walls are paneled with wood, with some mirroring. That helps extend the space and is very appropriate to the era." Stephen explains that the goal was to remain true to the feel of the classic film, and to Cinderella Castle itself, while creating a luxurious contemporary suite that makes a 21st Century visitor feel utterly pampered. This took some creative thinking -- for instance, the suite contains two flatscreen TVs. To blend in with the décor, these have been made to look like mirrors when not in use, and one can also display a portrait of Cinderella herself. Other spectacular touches include stained-glass windows overlooking Liberty Square on one side and Fantasyland on the other. Guests will also be stunned by the beautiful hand-assembled mosaics throughout the suite. As one might imagine, putting together this beautiful retreat is a major undertaking -- teams of artisans, designers, and specialists are working around the clock in the Castle. And because the elevator needed to be removed and replaced with a much larger one, for much of the construction period, all the people and supplies have had to reach the suite the old-fashioned way: by climbing eight long flights of stairs. "We want to make sure the Guest experience is as seamless as possible -- that when they come to the Park they see what they came to see," Stephen assures us. The suite is scheduled to be completed by the beginning of 2007 -- the whole project has come together in only around six months. "We put this together quite quickly. Fortunately we had a team that was so well-versed in Disney history and the Castle's history, and Cinderella!" Stephen explains. "It's something that has been proposed before but never came to pass, so we researched what already existed and had been done." Stephen adds, "We have an incredible team, and I believe Guests are going to have quite the experience." We have no doubt that next year, some lucky Guests are going to have a Disney experience unlike any before -- one that is truly a dream come true.

*NO PURCHASE NECESSARY to enter or win the Disney Dreams Giveaway. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning. Open only to legal residents of 50 U.S., D.C., Puerto Rico, Canada, Mexico & UK. Void elsewhere and where prohibited. Giveaway runs October 1, 2006 -- December 31, 2007 (mail in entries postmarked starting September 18, 2006 & received by January 14, 2008, on 3.5x5 postcard with complete name, address, daytime phone #, birth date and proper postage sent to PO Box 8629, Elmhurst, IL 60126 USA). UK residents only mail to 483 Green Lanes, London N13 4BS. Castle Suite stay will be awarded most days starting January 25, 2007. It will likely be awarded early in the day for a stay that night and is only available to eligible participants at the Parks and Downtown Disney® area in Florida. Mail-in winners of Castle Suite stay and DREAM FASTPASS badge will receive a prize of comparable value. Approximate retail value of prizes advertised: Castle Suite stay US $587. Prizes range in value from US $3.83 to US $83,701. All prize awards are subject to verification. Odds of winning on a given day depend on the number of eligible participants at a selected location or within the mail-in entry pool for the time or date (as applicable) selected. Subject to Official Rules (see disneyparks.com/rules). Sponsor: Magic Kingdom Productions, Inc., PO Box 10000, Lake Buena Vista, FL 32830.For residents of Canada, a mathematical skill-testing question must be correctly answered to win any prize.

Dirt Devils, Charades and Velour Jogging Suits

My husband last night asked me to write a short blurb on gift giving.

I had been dogging him for weeks to please make a list on Amazon.com for all to view. Last year he received many a gift that have happily found new homes via garage sales. We're not ungrateful for said items and we know it's the thought that counts. But as cheap people ourselves we do not want to see people wasting money on things we will never use. Wouldn't the world be a spectacular place if we all just made a list of stuff we'd like. Not to be materialistic mind you. My own list contains 12 items and the prices top out at $49.00 I think. But just so people can go, hey, did you know that crushed teal velvet walking suit we're thinking of isn't on there but for $12.00 we can get her a DVD she truly desires?

I'm at a point in my life where I neither need or desire much 'stuff''. I like clothes that I will wear regularly (jeans, t-shirts, jackets). I like to take trips and would rather get a guide book to my next destination. I like CDs and DVDs that I enjoy. I'd love coupons for oil changes. I like dishes that complete my wedding china. A gift certificate for a cleaning service would be great.

What I don't want are things I need to dust. Things my 2 year old will break. I don't wear jewelry except a pair of earrings and my wedding ring. I'm lousy with indoor plants. I really don't need to eat more candy.

So I encourage all of you to make a list somewhere that others can view and put some things (in all price points and easily buyable) that you really want which saves you from either returning it, wearing/displaying it when the gift giver comes over or explaining why you are not wearing/displaying it.

Really, if you want a Roomba, a subscription to Aquarist Monthly or the Homeland Security Quote A Day desk calendar, you need to speak up. Otherwise, it's velour jogging suit for you. With matching socks.

Me, the meat and the loaf

Is meatloaf dressy enough for Christmas dinner?

Some years ago I figured out why I had such a repulsion to Thanksgiving and Christmas meals. I hate the 'traditional' foods. Like who set this menu? I assure you that no one on Plymouth Rock voted on greenbean casserole. Or if they did they were probably sent back to England.

So as I hosted these meals in my home I sat down and took a good hard look at what was expected: A complete turkey, giblet gravy, greenbean casserole, crescent rolls, mashed potatoes, stuffing, dressing, a crudite platter, cranberry stuff and pumpkin pie. I estimated that I ate one section of turkey (the breast) and for some unknown reason the turkey did not arrive at the table until cold. I'm not much of a saucer anyway but the idea of making a gravy out of the waste filtering organs of like the nasty bird on Earth turned me off. Greenbean casserole is...scary looking and I don't like those weird fried things on top. Crescent rolls? I like bread. I LOVE bread. But rolls that pop out of a can like those gag tins of snakes weren't doing it for me especially since I usually had to supplement my meal with them and ended up consuming like nine of them and usually they're cooked oddly and end up mushy in the center and burned on the bottom. Mashed potatoes. Again, I like them. I do not like them when they've been creamed into a glue like substance that I could spackle up the nail holes in my bedroom with. No amount of butter, salt, pepper or wine will fix that. Dressing and stuffing. Okay, I get stuffing if you actually stuffed the bird. And I know a lot of people are still debating over the Stuffing Scare of the 1980's when we were all told that stuffing the bird pre-cooking would lead to like a food poisoning so bad that our intestines would actually melt. But I don't understand why people just shove a big wad of white bread and powdered sage in the bird. And what is dressing? Isn't that stuffing cooked outside the bird? Do we need more carbs with this meal? And why does it look like road kill? I hate crudite. Seriously. I think shoving a platter of baby pickles, raw carrots and celery and some dip at people is wrong no matter if you did put it on a big platter with a few lettuce leafs tucked about. It cheapens the effort of your meal. Antipasto I'm down with, a nice frommage platter, some nice apps that involve hot crab or puff pastry. The mysterious cranberry gel that comes out of the can and many people leave in one strange round glop that threatens to actually roll off the table if prodded wrong with the can ring marks still on it? No. And pumpkin pie. I am so all about pie it hurts. I love pie. It's hard to screw up pie. Except for pumpkin which a lot of times has an unbaked bottom crust and has a pool of canned pumpkin goo in the middle like a tar pit. Plus many a hostess has actually arrived at the table bearing a tub of Cool-Whip and a spoon to toss some on there for you. Not that this will stop me from scraping off the cooked portion and eating it. So after looking at this I decided enough was enough and that this menu was not allowed in the Novelchick Household. Actually maybe I'm less turned off by the food than the serving styles? If you're going to invite like a hundred people who don't really like each other anyway, at least put some candles on the table or take the time to invest in some decent sized cloth napkins (I'm a napkin snob and I prefer something more like a tablecloth sized swatch for myself). Or put the brussel sprouts in a bowl instead of just letting people try and get them out of the pot with a big slotted spoon.

So the very next year I trotted out a hot spinach dip appetizer with wassail for apps, filet mignon, stuffed potatoes and an amazing sweet potato confection that was basically all the oranges, cinnamon and whipping cream in the world stuck together with a potato. There was fresh rosemary bread. Corn souffle. Crisp salad with homemade dressing. Three desserts, pumpkin, chocolate and ice cream. And people ate until they all looked nine months pregnant. One year my husband made a first course in freakin' wine glasses with a horseradish mousse thing and jumbo shrimp big enough to ride. Our guests are sometimes put off by our radical attempts to serve food that people enjoy. They do not wear relaxed fit pants which we encourage. I thought my mother might have to be taken to the hospital the first time I produced a bottle of Riesling (she's Baptist). We've also served Turducken, salmon and a damn fine turkey breast stuffed with andoullie and dirty rice. I've made corn muffins. I've experimented with dressing so good a recipe that should have served sixteen ended up barely covering six of us. I've baked pies in homemade praline crusts, made mini-bundt cakes and created a chocolate espresso sauce that kept people up for three days straight. There has been brisket. Basically, I have blown the lid off of the traditional holiday menu with increasing success. But this year?

Would meatloaf be wrong? Not just any meatloaf mind you but THIS MEATLOAF Bare Foot Contessa's Meatloaf. I personally used to despise meatloaf having always thought of it as a soggy pile of meat that was robbed of being a decent burger but this meatloaf? It is the stuff of dreams. And maybe some good bread and like garlic mashed potatoes or a sweet potato for my husband? And a huge heffalumping cake for dessert? Would it be selfish of me NOT to want to spend days in the kitchen? To eat a meal and not worry about four hundred pans of Calphalon that must be hand scrubbed?

Will Christ be offended if I serve turkey meatloaf? And maybe make some homeade cranberry sauce out of actual cranberries? I'll pray about it.

I don't need anything! Don't Buy Me A Thing!

I hate these words.

Well, now that we've all navigated our way through Thanksgiving or as I like to call it "Dysfunctional Dinner Of Weird Menu Items and a Chance To Make Snarky Remarks To Other Family Members" and come out the other side, it's time to do the shopping to honor the birth of Christ.

What is this about? Seriously. If you've ever read Laura I. Wilder (and if you haven't, get thee to Amazon and order the boxed sets), those kids were thrilled with oranges. Where did we go wrong? The last three years or so my shopping strategy has been simple: Stay the hell out of retail stores. If it didn't come by UPS last year, it was not given. This way my family has managed to stay healthy during the holidays and I don't have to resist the urge to rev the Corolla up to top speed (70) and ram it into the back of Suburban Momster's Yukon who bought an SUV for no reason and can't park it worth a crap and then added insult to injury by stealing the parking place I have patiently been waiting on for ten minutes with my blinker on. You don't get road rage on the internet. And I can shop in my jams at two in the morning should I so desire. And often, I do. Although questionable gift choices have arisen from such a practice in the past.

So after years of finally honing my skills here is what not to give the "Don't Buy Me A Thing" Person, who will passive agressively remind you every chance they get until one of you is DEAD (and might possibly mention it in their will) that you indeed, did not buy them ANYTHING, per their request.

A Year of anything.
This includes but is not limited to:
Fruit
Flowers
Books
Chocolate
Steaks
Any sort of dairy or meat product such as the likes of which come from Hillshire Farm or whatever and this includes free range turkeys from Williams Sonoma.

I tried this once and it was just a big freakin' disaster with the fruit recpients practically setting up a rogue fruitstand on the side of I-285 to get rid of excess citrus. See who they come crying to when they get scurvy.

Clothes. Just don't bother. They won't wear them but will feel guilty about giving them to Goodwill and eventually five years later when they forget who gave them to them in the first place, will ask you if you want them. This is my mother's forte. I can not tell you how many nice, flattering clothes I have bought her in the past that I find a) hidden still in original wrappings in storage cloests in the basement or b) hanging in the closet with tags still on. It's not worth the heartbreak of sifting through the Coldwater Creek or Chico's catalog for like three days and trying to get an opinion out of your spouse as to whether your godmother would like a Tuscan Beaded Pashmina or a Citron Cashmere Sweater. If you MUST go this route? Buy something you'll like to wear next year.

Anything you looked at and said "She'll/He'll LOVE it!" with glee and enthusiasm. No they won't. If you think it's the perfect gift, they'll wonder what the hell you were thinking. It's the Murphy's Law of Gift Giving. And the older the giftee the less likely they are to try and cover up their disdain for said gift. The best stratagem is buy what you really, really don't want. Often this takes the form of a cardigan sweater with sleigh bells and a Rudolph sewn on it with a nose that actually lights up and the matchy earrings that look like gingerbread houses. Seriously. Try something with gold lame when all else fails like those gold bedroom slippers at Wal-Mart that havbe been a staple in old lady households for like 40 years.

Anything "so beautiful". If this is your opinion then it's probably too nice. Let's face it, there are "savers" in this world who will go to their death bed never having lit the $32 aromatic candle from France that you had to sneak through customs in your bra because it had some weird French Tallow in it that was banned in America in 1992 that is their all time favorite fragrance and has sat on the mantle for 19 plus years because they were waiting for a special occasion to use it. I'm not sure what "special occasion" consists of. Weddings? Funerals? Births? Parties? What is special enough to flick the Bick and fire that bad boy up? So nice candles, Venetian glass, Austrian tablecloths, Godiva candy, lovely beaded handbags, aprons from France, cookware from Italy, jewelry purchased in any foreign country or that comes in a sky blue box and gourmet coffee or a good bottle of wine? Probably will revert back to you when grandma passes on and you clean out the house. Occasionally you get a person like those here at Novelchick HQ who are all joi d'vie and will rip right into these things figuring there are more out there somewhere should we use this one up and wish to acquire another, but we're a rare breed here.

This whole matter is complicated by people who really do have every damn thing in the world. I've been known to write the name of potential gifts and toss them all in a hat and pull them out at random buying things in that order for those on my list in that order which can create confusion and lead to questions about certain family members sexual orientation, leave a few catalogs lying about and see what the cats yack on first (Engraved cheese molds? Excellent choice!) and calling L.L. Bean and telling the customer service rep to "surprise" me. And to that I say...gift card. Movies, Cracker Barrel, Borders, Red Lobster, Target, Home Depot. Whatever their baliwick may be. Don't worry about the fact that they then KNOW how much you spent. At least it won't go to waste when they can give it back to you next year for your birthday.

Thanks for asking

Many of you have emailed me and asked if I am dead.
No, I'm not.
Thanks for asking though. But I have glimpsed death and its name is Food Poisoning+Disney. Don't ask the details but the two do not mix. We had a lovely trip anyway and my daughter is now princess obsessed. It doesn't matter which one or even if it actually is a princess just that she have on a large fluffy dress of some kind. I'm princessed out. Last night my husband and daughter returned from Target with Disney Princess underwear (for her not him).

Anywhoodles, I let the GH go. With much regret I will add, but it just wasn't possible and...that's that. But to hell with it anyway. Until they get a women's fiction cat what's the point? Instead, I believe I will treat myself to an end of the year agent blizzard blow-out of query letters. Why not? I may even shoot it off to Harlequin for one of their lines or another. All though it's damn near impossible to keep track of which ones are still being published and which ones are folding. It's like Deal or No Deal over there. Which line will we kill off next? If you sell it to this line, we may close it and you'll be in the dust OR we may not. Let's call the banker and see what he says? I still remember the year that they closed the book on their "lighthearted romantic comedy" line right in the middle of the national RWA conference and there were many a tear shed in the halls along with general wide eyed panic as the authors under contract or in mid-publish were shocked and understandably confused.

Sad news, heartbreaking news. I'm losing my job. Well, not like FIRED but my company is closing and...the end. I'm so sad about it. And now I'm not sure what to do with myself. I realize of course that it's really not a bad thing and that one shouldn't work somewhere forever. And that imagining the new possibilities is the brave thing. I just can't think of any at the moment. Any thoughts? Let me know.

On the good news front, my friend C.J. Lyons has a fabulous opportunity to write a new series which she is starting on ASAP. I wish her great success and no writer's block.

So...I guess I'm copying the first so and so pages of my manuscript and tossing it in the mail/email soon. Maybe this week while I'm feeling sad and need something to take my mind off of it. I'll let you know.

T-Minus 5 Days

Yep, 5 days.

The excellent news is that I ran through 87 pages yesterday of corrections , moving scenes around and writing some new ones. If I can keep this up I may in fact be ready. My good friend C.J.(www.C.J.Lyons.net) told me that if my first 35 pages are spiffy along with a good synopsis (and that is not likely to happen) then that's what I need to concentrate on since they usually know at that point if they have a winner. O-Kay! Here we go again!

PS Fabulous Cartoon Owned and Copyrighted Entirely by http://www.thewriteratwork.com/. Please visit their site for more of them.

Countdown

We're 6 days until I need to send off my GH entry. Ack. The deadline is actually December 4 to get your stuff in but since we're off to Disney Thanksgiving day I guess if it's going, it's going then.

So T-Minus Day 6 it is.

This cartoon is owned by www.cartoonweb.com, visit them!

ALERT ALERT ALERT

Sorry, I meant to do this last week but...well, whatever.

TOMORROW IS THE ENTRY DEADLINE FOR THE GOLDEN HEART/RITA CONTEST.

If you belong to RWA you know what I speak of. This years deadline has been moved up significantly in terms of submitting your material and it is due DECEMBER 4! GET THOSE COMPUTERS HUMMING!!

Here's the rules:

https://www.rwanational.org/eweb/DynamicPage.aspx?Site=RWA&WebKey=357f2a57-5f2e-4bac-b000-b163b3aac033

You can now enter via email so it's not too late.

Britney, K-Fed and the SEX TAPE

I haven't weighed in on any of this yet since I don't really care. I personally find the whole Anna Nicole thing much more intriguing. I mean we have mystery and drama there, here we just have the inevitable outcome. But also, should we be happy about a marriage breaking up? In an age where (the grossly misleading statistic) of one out of two marriages failing, should we be cheering on the demise of one? Listen, we knew it couldn't last but we've all done stupid things in our youth in the name of love. Plus, there are two young children involved here. On the other hand, when you make a reality show (regardless of how horrible) out of your courtship, you can't go back and say "we want to be left alone". You go on as you start.

Having said that. The alleged sex tape. Okay, folks, let's think about this.

1) These people taped themselves during their entire "I can't even think of what to put here to describe it". So what are the odds they didn't tape themselves having sex? Incidentally, if you did not watch the Britney and Kevin show, behold the carnage Here in snappy recaps from TWOP. Well worth a read if you think YOU'RE having a bad day. Stee had to struggle through every episode which I can only assume forced him to double his consumption of alcohol and nicotine.

2) Is there any part of Britney's body left to the imagination at this point? She was naked on a magazine. She wears skin tight, too short clothes. Her boobs pop out randomly. I think we've been there, done that enough to know. It's about as big a mystery as what Mirah Carey looks like naked.

3)Thus I can assume anyone actually interested in this tape? Only wants to see K-FedEx having sex. And in that case, you are ban from this blog. I suppose he plans on including a copy with each of his CDs that sale and maybe that will boost the sales to..7000 copies?

Ick, people, ICK!

Hey ya'll, cheaper gas!

If you have a Wal-Mart near you (and you know how I dislike this retailer), and it has a gast station part? If you buy yourself a Wal-Mart gift card and use it at the pump you save $.03 a gallon. Just saying....

Gilmore Gack

Open Letter to David S. Rosenthal, Executive Producer Gilmore Girls

Dear Mr. Rosenthal,

First, let me send out my condolences on the huge mess that you were left when the Palladinos decamped. It's estimated that last season over 1.3 million viewers lost interest in the GGs and went on to other things that held more interest, like alphabetizing thier spice rack. They wrote every character into a corner so dark, it would take a supernova like force of writers, producers, directors and actors to get this show on the road again and win back your fans.

Sadly, I don't think you're the man for the job.

First, do you guys have a big board that you write what happens from show to show on? Or an intern who can do this job? Your continuity has been bad. It was bad before, it's always been bad but we're to the point of nonsensical now. I mean really. How much time does it take to jot down "Chris' parents despise the Gilmores and said awful things about Rory and were ban from the Gilmore Manse and Chris' mom can't possibly be happy about this turn of events". That took two seconds. Or how does this grab you "Luke went to take care of the Renaissance Fair Booth for TJ and his sister and left the diner way longer than two weeks but you keep bringing up that he's leaving for TWO WHOLE WEEKS on this stupid April Tour"? Does that sound familiar in some way? Intern, check on that. If you can't remember what happened the last six seasons then you could buy them (they have been released you know and I saw last seasons in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart which it so richly deserved to be), Netflix the DVDs or just run over to TWOP and read the recaps. Also, check in with the nitpicker board they will be happy to tell you about continuity.

Secondly, Christopher and Lorelei? Oh, Honey, No. Just no. Let's talk about Chris a moment. And if you've got that intern with the dry erase marker handy, you may want to have him take notes. The first time we met Chris he zoomed into Stars Hollow on a motorcycle, spent the night on the couch, tried to buy Rory a dictionary but his credit card was declined since he had no money due to UNEMPLOYMENT which was apparently (per the show) a constant state. He then sporadically reappears from here there and everywhere as a plot device that smells to high heaven. Is there a folder that you found in Amy's desk that said "If run out of ideas, here's stuff to stick in". Actually, that folder HAS to be empty by now. Anyway, he gets ANOTHER woman pregnant (Are you emmulating some sort of Brtney/K-Fed story line because that has NOT WORKED OUT WELL), cheats on her with Lorelei, runs off to marry her, gets a job, gets left, is a shitty father to Gigi, wanders in and out of his older daughter's life like he has ADD and eventually ends up at Richard and Emily's renewal party drunk and making a scene. Then he suddenly inherits a ton of money (whatever) and he's dad of the year and somehow irresistable to Lorelei. This all conviently happens when she is finally, FINALLY happy with Luke as we, the viewing public who you have ignored, are as well. And now? All is forgiven, everyone is thrilled, the past is...ignored? Forgotten? Getting in the way of your lazy writing?

And the Luke thing? Oh Dear God! Was there a napkin from Wolfgang Pucks that had "overheard writer's from General Hospital talking about illegitimate baby plot device to break up happy couple. Sounds good!" in Amy's handwriting. Did it look as though she had been drinking a few lunch martinis when she wrote it? Because that can be the only explanation for not only taking a beloved character and turning him into something that resembles the boss on The Simpsons in manner and a homeless vet in dress. Luke has nice clothes, Lorelei BOUGHT them for him and in the wonderful season finale two years ago, he was wearing them. Yes, we get that the Nirvana look is his trademark but this isn't a Scooby Doo cartoon and everyone is entitled to a change of clothes.

Now, let's talk April. I hate to. But this needs to be addressed ASAP. And I'm bringing down the hammer. Why? Was there need for this? And why was it written so poorly? Or at all? Is she your illegit daughter or something? And are we to believe that Luke has taken the word of a girl doing a science project that he is her father? But Anna confirmed you cry! Well, since he was one of THREE POSSIBILITIES that seems like less than reliable info. I personally hope that CHRIS turns out to be the father since that matches everyone's track record and would be...funny. The whole thing was not worthy of this program and insulting to us, the viewers (or all six of them left). But he needed time to adjust to this news, you say. What did he do with that time? Did he build her a room in the newly designed Better Gilmore Home and Gardens? Did he plan a spring break trip with his "daughter" and his family to be? Did her intriduce his family? DId he set ground rules with Anna about his new family? Did he do anything but lie and sneak around? No. And how did he introduce Rory at the book store opening? I don't want to talk about it. But I figured out right then that things were not going to work well. Just know that I hate it! Hate it! HATE IT! We've all read the scuttlebutt that Lauren Graham and Scott Patterson do not like each other. And that's fine. But being ACTORS it looks like they could summon up more chemistry than one gets from watching mulch interact with water. I don't know what happen to spark this feud but get it taken care of. A long weekend locked in a suite at the Venetian with copious bottles of champagne may do it, and hey, what happens in Vegas...may give you a better show.

And Lane? If she's freaked out about being pregnant shouldn't she consult the one person she knew who faced pregnancy at a very young age and did a great job with? Hey, intern, get the red marker out. That person would be Lorelei Gilmore!

Lorelei used to be strong, independant, funny, self-reliant. Now she's...a doormat. Actually she's not even a good doormat. She's the doormat you toss at the backdoor after it got all faded and yucky up front. You've turned her into Katie Holmes. Nice going. Maybe Chris could jump on a couch and start dispensing medical advice.

And now we heard the spoiler that L and C are getting married. Screw you. Why? Who are these people who want this? The six viewers left? Did someone write you and ask for this? Was it your mothers dieing wish? I know this was supposed to be the last season and then you were all like NO, we've got miles ahead of us but...I think not. The only way I'm seeing you pacify and lure us back to you is if after the holiday break you flip us two years into the future a la BSG and Lorelei and Chris have been divorced, she's a new woman (or the original one we loved), Luke has hit up a sale at Nordstroms and gone back to reading the self help relationship guides and you can cement her and Luke together in a functional relationship. And by that I mean, without more run out of idea plot devices that are thinner than Kate Bosworth. Or alternatively, I guess Luke could step out of the shower and the whole thing could have been a dream on her part. Hey, as long as you're not coming up with original ideas...I'm just saying.

Rory and Logan? Meh. It's okay with me. Really. He's probably the most sustainable relationship she's had so I'm good with it although this London thing was silly and I'm glad you're over it. It's filler at this point. And at least it's SOME romance.

So let me give you some tips:
Dump Chris or kill him or whatever needs to be done
More Sookie, Michele, Mama Kim and Gil (please more Gil)
Less Stupid Lorelei
More Handsome, Charming if slightly surly Luke without that too small army jacket
April finds out she's not his daughter when they go to an actual DNA testing lab
Anna finds out about birth control
Chris finds out about birth control and begins a rap career that eventually ends in death when an enraged fans pelt him with beer bottles
Lane and Zack get their crap together for this baby
Rory and Logan...do whatever
The senior Gilmores...remember that Chris is a dumbass and they hate his mother and he was the worst father ever for like eighteen years and they are gaining yet another grandchild.
The chuppah! Remember it? We did. And we could not figure out for the life of us why she would want to get married in a CHURCH.
Attend a baby christening before you write another one since? Bad. Clearly the Palladino's were Scientologist
Did I mention more Gil and Mama Kim?

So, I give you one more chance. Here's the deal, I won't watch anything until after the break and you get your intern to fact checking so you can fix some things and we'll meet back on Tuesdays. And I'll even bring a friend.

Apparently the only person who will tell you the truth,
Novelchick

Hey you! Vote!

We at Novelchick would never tell anyone how to vote. We believe firmly in voting your issues and your candidates regardless of whether we think they're asses that will lay waste to Democracy or not. We also believe in the right to NOT reveal to anyone your votes. We do, on the other hand, encourage you to vote since this (not particularly well run and overly complicated) process is how we, The People, make our voices heard. Even if no one is really listening at this point. See, we can actually work on changing that!

So VOTE.

You can't bitch if you didn't participate.

The Nadir

It dawned on me this weekend that my purse ways 200 pounds, thus perhaps explaining some of my shoulder pain.

So it's time for the CLEAN OUT. And I thought you all might be interested in what Suburban Mom carries around.

First, a bit about the actual bag. After giving birth to my daughter in March, I had to shop for a dress to wear to a funeral in October. Yes, some mom's bounce back immediately and one week after giving birth way what they weighed pre-kid. Not me. So there I stodd in the ghastly lit, three way mirrored dresing room at Talbots. Normally, I avoid Talbots since...well, not me. But for a death dress it seemed okay. Here's what I saw. A woman with a baby belly and a c-section scar, no makeup, grown out hair, wearing maternity jeans, a terrible top with baby spit up on one corner. Taking off the clothes I proved to be wearing white athletic socks, granny panties and a saggy nursing bra. One boob was bigger than the other (thus the sag) and I hadn't apparently Naired in a week and my eyebrows? I can't talk about it. In all, probably the worst visual of my life. Aided by a cheap, black plastic disaper bag hanging off the handle of the Zooper, where my child was asleep.
YIKES!!!! Not helped by the fact that I was constantly surrounded by thin, non-rootty, well shaven women

Fast Forward-day after Thanksgiving. Armed with coupons and no baby, I set out to Macy's for the early bird saving sale. Which, totally NOT worth getting up for. Anywho, I was in handbags looking for something for my friend Cary, who had a tendancy to haul six different bags around to accomodate her stuff. I bought her a swell black hobo bag that went with anything and could hold a mountain of stuff wihtout actually looking overstuffed. Then I saw it. A black leather Tommy Hilfiger. Simple, and yet elegant. It's got a harder side constructiona dn it's square. Checking the inside I found a blue, nylon (wipe outable) interior that was amazingly roomy with no divider pockets. I think technically it was some sort of stylish on the go bag for corporate types who stuff files in their bags. So the bag was bought and I used it very successfully as a baby bag for ages. Then baby out grew bag and it just became an excellent large handbag.

So let's see what's accumulated since last clean out which was app. one month ago.

1) Emory University School of Medicine Consent form (8 pages) from my last trip to doctor where they wanted me to ask my husband for a spit sample to use in a DNA study with mine and the baby's.
2)Envelope marked Clothes. This is my husband's answer to reigning in the spending. I get an envelope a week for clothes for myself and the girl. Contents: $40.
3) Newsletter for Salon Elon, where I get my hair done. Yes, my salon has an actual newsletter.
4) Thermacare Heatwrap for Back and Hip
5)My husband's cell phone
6) Key ring with 10 keys, three of which go to houses we no longer own. Also, seven of those keychain store card things on it.
7)One small bottle generic ibuprofin, still in box
8)My husbands eye glass case (hardside)
9)white linen handkerchief in preperation for seeing Marie Antoinette (not needed)
10)Ticket stub for MaArie Antoinette
11)Reciept for Salon Elon for last color
12)Envelope marked household and fun (contents $20)
13)Tin of altoids
14)Check book with credit cards and pictures
15)That big pink reciept thingy from doctor's visit to Emory
16) Two pieces of white printer paper, one with a potential Disneyworld itenerary scribbled on it, the other one is blank
17)Target receipt from 10/24/06
18)Chico's receipt from 11/4/06
19)Perscription from Shrink
20) Target receipt dated 10/27/06
21)Expired coupon for The Children's Place
22)A pumpkin. No really. It's an actual mini-pumpkin.
23) Ann Taylor sunglasses
24)Publix receipt 10/22/06
25) generic Migrain Relief
26)Bottle Visine A.C. unopened and in box
27) Hair brush belonging to my daughter
28)Maybelline Superstay Lipstick, shade 705 which is not really my color
29)One makeup holder containing one Oral-B Brushup but no actual make-up
30)Email address for our waitress on our cruise
31)Two recordable CD's with nothing on them
32)Straw from Wendy's
33) One container of Body Shop coconut lip butter
34) 5 pens
35) 2 1/2 in gate hook and eye, in package
36) Coffee stirrer from Starbucks
37)Yogi Tea bag wrapper (Sweet Thai Delight), no actual tea bag
38) Inspirational quote ripped off bottom of Celestial Sesonings tea box
39) $25.00 Chico's coupon (used)
40)Aveda Salon reciept 9/19/06
41) 2 open packages Splenda
42) Tiffany make-up mirror with name engraved on it
43)$50 GA Natural Gas gift card that has never worked
44)5 crayons
45)Receipt Walgreens, 10/31/06
46) Two hair bands
47) one unopened disposable contact lens
48) jumpdrive
49)Turqoise ring
50)Elon business cards
51)Great Lash Mascara
52) 2 more crayons
53)Tylenol Severe Allergy Capsule
54) Two RWA convention pins
55) $50 mostly in ones
56) one greek coin earring (the other fell down under my car seat)
57) $9.27 in change
58) goldfish crumbs

I think I'm going to loose the Splenda packages.

Sorry AAA fans...maybe

Kristin from eonline apparently spilled her best guess for the big death next week in the "Watch Lost With Me" chat.

If you read the thread now, her guess has been removed, but there are a few hints that remain:

Side note: I think they changed the 'Other' death in light of who is (I'm 99 percent sure) dying next week if it is name deleted, I'm gonna be ******. Cause name deleted is the second best actor on the show, and the only reason they'd get rid of him is to appease the first. Or at least, that's my educated guess!

Also, in her most recent blog on Lost, she says:
Also spoiler alert you may have heard by now there's a big death next week and some general consensus on who it's gonna be. And let me just say, they better leggo my…beloved favorite.

Oh dear. Sorry about that.

Accessories...

Also an apple pie (I recommend the new Mrs. Smith Cinnabon) and some corn muffins complete this nicely along with a cabernet.

Ick Day Recipes

It's icky here. Like rain and cold wind ick. In other words the perfect day to come home at the end of the week and have dinner READY to jump on. Thus, pot roast.

Over the years people have been asking for my "secret " pot roast recipe. My friends, here it is.

First, pick a roast that actually fits in the crockpot.
Second, toss in the bottom your "hard" veggies, potatoes and raw carrots come to mind. I like red potatoes since I can just toss and there's no peeling but if you have red potato or skin issues feel free to peel and chop into large chuncks the potato of your choice. I also like to prick the potatoes a few times with a knife to let in some juicy goodness.
Third, toss in roast, prick that a time or two on top.
Fourth, surround pot roast with any other veggie you desire. I usually peruse the pantry and freezer and find long lost ingredients. Lentils are good, frozen green beans, that sort of thing. A lot of people put in okra or a veggie mix. I say that's beef soup stuff but whatever. Also, I usually toss in a few garlic cloves if they're hanging out with no dish in sight to use them in.
Fourth, the important part, cut up onion in fairly large slices. Toss some on veggies and put some on top of roast.
AND HERE IS THE SECRET YOU'VE ALL BEEN WANTING, add one packet of beef stew mix (McCormicks or Kroger generic) AND a package of au jus mix (again with the McCormick's or generic). Make sure you get some on tope of roast and then sprinkle around the sides.
Now grab a cup of water and fill just enough to cover veggies. Your roast is going to release a lot of water and you don't want soup. The mix on the top of roast will foram a nice crust too.
Turn crock pot on low.
Leave alone.

There it is. The NovelChick Roast Perfecto. You just can't screw this up. Trust me. I've made a million of them, served them at parties and brought them over to the sick, funerals and after birth food taking occasions. It never fails that people say it is the most tender and succulent roast of their lives.

Enjoy.

Love/Hate

Novelchick and company saw Marie Antoinette on Monday eve. And our opinion? If a bunch of idiots would get up off of this movie for five minutes and freakin' read a little history they wouldn't pan it.

Look, I went in with my husband's handkerchief prepared to slog through beheadings, the drawn out death of two children and a whole lot of sad. Check it, didn't happen. Sofia Coppola very brilliantly stuck to presenting Marie's life at Versailles through the eyes of a young girl. The movie starts when she gets there and ends when they leave.

A lot of people aren't getting it. And that's cool because a lot of people are uneducated, not particularly smart or just plain believe everything that they heard in their ninth grade history class. But I'm not sure why they're going to the movie. From the user reviews it appears a lot of them were looking for some sort of political/historical piece. That's not what we have here. We have an honest look at what it was like to be Marie, how she spent her time and how innacurately she has been portrayed through history. Yes, there are a few things that got washed out of the mix but they were things that would have taken a whole two hours of nothing but political intrigue to set up. The Affair of the Necklace. The sex of the mob that marched on Versailles. How Madame Du Barry spent her time at court making Marie's life into one living hell. But this movie is lovely. To be shot at Versailles, in Marie's bedroom, in the Petite Trianon, in her little village, on the balcony, in reproduced costumes. You really see it through a child's eyes. Okay, so just so we're clear.

Not about French Revolution
Not about Socio-economic impact of monarchy
Not about the Affair of the Necklace
Not about Beheading
No death scenes of small children (actually the death of her daughter was handled SO well)
It is a Love Story
It is about a fourtenn year old girl sold into marriage unexpectedly after her two older sisters die
It is about the bizarre life at court compared to her ultra conservative mother's court
It is about the innocence of Marie and Louis and how it cost them everything
It has a righteous soundtrack

Now, at least, if nothing else, read this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marie_Antoinette and this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Affair_of_the_necklace

Shut up

kay, Rush, we know you are truly desperate for any ratings that will keep you one the air. Actually, I didn't know any radio network had so much time to kill that they had put you back on. Anyway, why don't you go down a Xanex with a Scotch and sit quietly in the corner fantasizing about your mother or whatever has led you to this mental state?


Okay, I'm editing this. It's not a particularly kind or Christian thing to say regardless of whether you called a man deep in the grip of a terminal diease a faker for expressing his political opinion. So how about this instead?

Rush, do up your pants, hit an AA meeting and find a very good therapist.

Sorry Addictive Personalities...

I'm slightly addicted. Here's a Friday Fun that can last way past Friday. You can do the initial download and play your hour. Than you can play in five minute intervals forever. I know that sounds weird but five minutes is exactly the amount of time you need for a little quick break and since it cuts you off and autosaves you, you don't spend all day.

It's sort of like Sims but without all the annoying waiting around. Male and female characters and you can enable same-sex relationships.

Kudos Tip: Buy a dog, a Soduko book and a take a martial arts class pretty quickly.

And the winner is...

If you didn't watch BSG last Friday then you missed, in Novelchick's not particularly humble opinion, one of the finest episodes of television EVER along with possibly the most awesome visual moment.

For those of you who saw the Galactica descending through the ATMOSPHERE of New Caprica like a hammer wielded by God's Own Hand, spewing out fighters and then jumping before I could even utter Holy Frack? We should just get our DSL lines humming on a write-in campaign to the Emmy Nominating Committee which we know are old whiney grandmothers and will ignore the show AGAIN.

BSG has been stirring up some thought provoking plotlines since the beginning: religion, faith, cyborgs, suicide bombings, politics, etc. So for those of you who might be interested in really feeling some of those things out, add this puppy to your Christmas List.

So Say We All...

An article written by TWOP's own recapper is included and it's edited by Richard Hatch (no not the one in jail).

The End Is Upon Us...

The Novelchick Staff and the Gilmore Girls? Done.

The Evil

And here we go...

Oh my poor, poor darlings! I have abandoned you way too long! So I'm making up for it NOW.

Teabag: The Bag, The Myth, The Image

Offices of Lipton Tea Company
Friday, August 19, 2006
4:38 P.M.

Transcript from meeting between Research and Development, Marketing and Teabag (traditional)

Marketing Guru: Hi, TB, we're glad you could join us. Have a seat. Can we get you anything? Hot water? Lemon? Honey?

Teabag: Um, no thanks.

Marketing Guru: I want to get straight to the point, TB. You've been doing an excellent job for us. We're thrilled with your work.

Teabag: Okay....

R&D Guy: But the thing is...well....

Marketing Guru: We're phasing you out.

Teabag: Huh? What?

Marketing Guru: The Lipton Company wants to make tea a staple. A classic. The name known in every home. We want tea to be the new...

Teabag: Tea?

Marketing: Yes! We want it to be hip, fresh, young. We want everyone who's anyone to know about tea. We want tea houses springing up, we want tea rooms abounding, we want people sitting down for a cup of tea on a regular basis.

Teabag: Heh? In England don't they-.

Marketing Guru: Our research shows that you're...passe. When people think of tea they think teabag.

Teabag: Really. How odd.

Marketing Guru: No, it's true. Your image is...old fashion. We've decided we need to shake it up. So...we've done some focus groups.

Teabag: Oh God! Can I steep in here?

Marketing Guru: And what we found is that the young and hip no longer want tea in a two sided bag.

Teabag: Excuse me?

R&D Guy: It's true. They want something more exciting.

Teabag: And you got this from focus groups?

R&D Guy: Well....no. They didn't care. But the thing is we've decided you're passe. We've decided to rework you. We've decided to make the new tea bag. We've decided on...get ready...a triangle. A pyramid if you will.

Teabag: So this pyramid bag? It's more efficent?

R&D Guy: Well, no. I mean you stick it in and pour hot water over it and it steeps.

Teabag: So it looks better when they take it out?

R&D Guy: Er, no. It still looks like a lump.

Teabag: Look, I know I'll never have the glamour that my English cousin does all loose leaf and fancy free but still....

Marketing Guru: American men don't like tea. They think it's wimpy.

Teabag: And the new pyramid teabag will change that?

R&D Guy: Absolutely. Pyramids remind men of ancient Egypt. They remind them of virility and strength and....

Teabag: Sand? Slavery? Unchecked disease?

Marketing Guru: Well, sure that too. Look, we know you've been around since the eighties.

Teabag: 1904.

Marketing: Whatever. But the new teabags are speaking to a new generation.

Teabag: And what are they saying?

Marketing Guru: According to our new commericals, that tea is the new flirtation. Men drinking tea is a turn on. That sitting in a quaint outdoor cafe with a paper and a cup of steaming hot Oolong is going to bring the women to your feet. Tea is ...hot!

Teabag: Oooookay. So....

Marketing Guru: So, it's been a great ride but...we're going in a new direction. Thank you for your service to the company. We'll send you a watch.


Seriously, pyramid shaped tea bags? What the hell?

Story Magic

From Dwight Swain, author of Techniques of the Selling Writer, "The thing that hooks your reader in the opening is curiosity. The thing that holds him the rest of the way, straight through to the final paragraph, is suspense."


Some of you out there are writers. I know you are, you email me. So this post I hope will help you.

Traditionally I have always been known as a Pantster. People who do not plot out a book prior to writing it and just basically going where it takes me. This is good in that you're as surprised as anyone else at the twists and turns. Basically, your characters are running the show for you. You just write down what your muse tells you. Sometimes it works, sometimes your muse is an idiot. But it all seems to work out in the end.

Then there are those who are outliners. My friend Marge is like this. She needs to know EVERYTHING before the words Chapter One can be committed to paper. She frequently has to know the name of the neighbor's dog. Many a great author uses this style. Many do not. It's a very personal choice mostly based on your personality. Do you need a roadmap or can you go where your spirit takes you?

Well, even us Pantsters need to stop and ask for directions occasionally.

Every writer, EVERY WRITER, knows about The Hero's Journey by Vogler (here's a down and dirty freebie version I found Vogler OVerview Freebie). It's like standard issue if you ever write anything. And for the most part, it works. It's a lot of prep time but for some people that's the best part. I have always scorned Vogler as taking the joy out of writing. But recently my WIP was getting all muddled up with scenes that had no order. So I enrolled myself in the awesome Discovering Story Magic workshop Discovering Story Magicwhich was taught on-line this time. It was offered by Writers Online Classes. They are also offering some really great workshops through the end of the year and I encourage you to stop by and check it out.

Incidentally, here is a nearly PERFECT Vogler worksheet if you want to see how awesomely some people are able to plan.

Painfully Thought Out Character Worksheet (and yes it is 60 pages).

Discovering Story Magic has somehow managed to condense all of this down into a usable, even portable, dare I say easy, version. It is NOT the same thing as Vogler but it feels familiar but more accessible. And it involves a lot of Post-Its and posterboard (you'll just have to take the class). But I do want to leave you with a quote or two from the workshop that I thought was amazing and I don't believe they will mind me passing along to you.

That magic --- is THEME! Because if you can discover the theme of your story, you will find the heart of your book.

HOW MUCH YOUR CHARACTER CARES ABOUT THEIR GOAL IS IN DIRECT PROPORTION TO HOW MUCH THE READER WILL CARE!

Witch does rhyme with ignorant bitch

Memorize this face.

If you see it, take your children by the hand and back away from her slowly. She is armed with mass amounts of stupidity, bigotry, illiteracy and she's not afraid to use them to embarrass herself or her children. BACK AWAY SLOWLY!!!!

Headline: Laura Mallory, of Loganville, Ga., holds up a brochure for a summer camp for learning the art of witchcraft. Mallory was trying to convince a Gwinnett County board of education officer during an Oct. 3 hearing that Harry Potter should be banned from classrooms and school libraries.

You never hear about these things in Seattle or Portland or Asheville. There's always one pathetic, ignorant parent out there on a crusade that makes no sense and just glots up the mess that is public education even more. And today, it's this one.

Personally, Laura Mallory of Loganville, GA, I say you have a right to your opinion. You may completely stand firm on your moral highground and condemn us all to hell for reading a book about an orphan boy and his magical adventures. I've attended all the midnight madness parties to if that buys me a place in a deeper circle of hell by the way. But let's examine a thing or two.

First, did you read it? Please do not waste time saying that something is evil if you haven't bothered to do the research. If you didn't read the book ( and I'll guess you haven't) than you really have nothing to say about it. I mean do you know that really Harry Potter is about bigotry and prejudice and how fear of things you don't understand can corrupt even the best of intentions? NO? Thought not. Not only would one have to read the book, one would have to be able to grasp higher learning concepts.

Second, were you sending your kids to that camp? Like was it a Fundamental Religious Knitting Camp last year or something and changed curriculums and you couldn't get your deposit back or what? Leave the camp alone. They're probably not holding up pictures of you and saying how evil you are for your poor choice in jackets.

Third, I'm missing the connection. What is your objection? To Harry Potter? He's been a round a bit and kids have been reading him awhile and I have yet to see the first school shooting led by anyone in Quidditch robes. A much better track record of violence? Children of ignorant, redneck religious fanatics.... Or is it what you think the evils of having Harry Potter on a bookshelf is doing to today's youth. Honestly, the only kids checking HP out of the school library are the ones who are fact checking because every house has multiple copies. Except yours. You know just when you think the last alcoholic mother who loses her kids to DFACS on a regular basis and shuffles between two states to avoid her legal problems and has dragged the kids from unstable boyfriend's apartment to unstable boyfriend's trailer and then blames rock and roll music when her sixteen year old depressed drop out son, who has been smoking pot and drinking for three days in a row decides to off himself he's so depressed has thankfully disappeared, we get this. Non-Medicated Mom: The Burb Version. You know why I don't worry about these things? I do a good job of arming my daughter. She knows about God, we talk freely about religion and what our beliefs are in front of her, we encourage her to have a personal relationship with God. I read Harry Potter to my daughter the first two months of her life.

Lastly, here is a partial list of books that also feature witches/witchcraft that you will also need banned to protect your children's ignorance and continue to make them the laughingstock of people like myself.

The Odyssey

Dracula

The Wizard of Oz

The Jungle Book

Almost everything written by Shakespeare (including but not limited to, Anthony and Cleopatra, King Richard III, Macbeth, The Tragedy of Coriolanous. There are more that mention witchcraft but those are the ones I remember)

The Tempest

Robin Hood

House of Seven Gables

Moby Dick

Ivanhoe

Don Quixote

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (yes, use the French or English title and it still has magic in it)

The Further Adventures of Robinson Crusoe

Essays (The second series??) of Ralph Waldo Emerson

Le Morte D'Arthur

The Hobbit/LOTR Series

The Narnia Chronicles

Pretty much the collective works of Robert Louis Stevenson

The Scarlett Letter

The Witch of Blackbird Pond

Tess of the d'Urbervilles

The Republic

Andersen's Fairy Tale

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow

The Last of Mohicans

Anna Karenina

A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

Thank you, Laura Mallory, for attempting to plnge our children into a nadir of ignorance so black that it's like has not been seen since the educational philosophies of the Industrial Age were upon us.

Oh, and for reminding me why I suck it up and pay tuition for my child to go to private school.

I'm Back

Sorry this post has taken so long. I've been gone. We cruised for my birthday and just got back on Sunday. Had a great time and I recommend the Carnival Miracle to anyone.

First, I've written about sixty NEW new pages to rebuild my manuscript with. I'm going to start the slice and dice process here soon and we'll see if I can build a better mousetrap with it.

Secondly, Howard K. Stearn is not the father of that baby.

Third, last night's Gilmore Girls was of no value. We all knew Lane was pregnant (and by the way were they in Mexico for a month or what). We all get that they're broken up and it's awful and everyone's lives are in ruins. Let's bring on the Gil.

Fourth, LOST premiere. Tonight. Need I say more?

Fifth, BSG premiere on Friday. I"m sure I'll say more but my attentions are needed elsewhere.

Harpies, Part Two

As an experiment I decided to try and write a chapter of a more "traditional" regency for the Avon Fanlit, since this appears to be what the people are crying out for. Thus there was research. I decided that my story would center on the painting The Grand Odelisque (seen above). There is great controversy over who the model exactly is and for what purpose it was painted given the the Romantic and leading into the Orientalism movements were in their infancy at the time. Also, Ingres was by natire a painter of court portraits. All very interesting. Other than the commission was ordered by the Queen Consort (and Napoleon's sister) of Naples at the time. Apparently to hang in complement with a painting he alegedlly did for her of a nude woman sleeping. No one seems to know the whereabouts of that painting. Here is Queen Caroline:

Personally, I think she looks a bit like the painting but is it possible that they used one body and her face? That's the premise of my ridiculous story. By the way Murat went on to paint The Roman Baths and Recling Odelisque with Slave among other famous works, most of which are housed in teh Louvre. Incidentally, poor Caroline never recieved her painting. She had conspired against her brother and fled to what was then a part of Austria with her children to avoid her husband's fate of beheading.


This story has been on the boards less than half an hour and has better scores then my last one has had in a week. I'm so disappointed in women.
Oh, and I thought you might enjoy viewing a ballgown from 1815 as I had no idea wht they looked like myself. Very boring compared to what I had thought. And while this snippet does not describe THIS dress (which resides in the Met) it is from a ladies' fashion peridoical from 1815.

EVENING DRESS.
Dress, of White Satin, tastefully trimmed with Sky Blue Velvet, a handsome Plaiting round the Neck, a Balloon Sleeve, looped up with narrow Blue Velvet; Band, fastened in the front with a Pearl Clasp. Pearl Necklace, Earrings, and Bracelets; long White Gloves; Silk Stockings; and White Satin Shoes, ornamented with silver. The Hair in braids in the front; full curls behind, fastened with a comb, worked with pearls. Admired as this publication has ever been for the taste displayed in the Dresses, yet we have no hesitation in saying that this one, for simplicity and elegance, far exceeds all others we have ever witnessed.

Well, here we go, prepare to be underwhelmed and possibly just ill. Remember that Regency is so not my thing.

Title: The Odalisque

Hook: (I had a very strict 150 character count here so forgive the triteness) His ideal woman exsisted only in an artist's sketch book. Until she stepped out of the pages and into his heart.

Summary of Chapter: His obsession had come to life. She was flesh and blood and beautiful. But could reality live up to fantasy?
When it appeared all intrigue and deception had left her life, a man claims he dreams of her, loves her….but only as The Odalisque. (Yes, I know. Shut up.)

Chapter One (incidentally, all names, locations and the general premise of lady takes Ton by storm, gentleman vows to undo her were all picked by NOT me)

London, Spring 1815

The Duchess of Alderman's Annual Ball

"Did I mention my step-mother was to attend?"
Demian looked at the Earl of Frasier with interest. It was the first interesting thing that had happened all evening at the Duchess of Alderman's ball. The Ton flocked each year because the elderly Duchess held the ear of Prinny and none wanted to run the risk of an insult. It was rumored the Prince Regent himself would appear.
"I'd heard her Ladyship was about and making quite a stir. Whatever did you say to lure her from Sussex? I thought she was rusticating quite happily."
"She was. I'm more than happy to leave her to her hobbies. I certainly have bigger concerns with this dashed Battle we fear approaching. She likes the sea, says the climate is as close to Italy as is available here in gloomy old England. She putters in the garden a great deal and reads."
"Sounds dreadfully boring," the Earl's interest had been momentarily piqued by the idea of a new face amongst The Ton but it waned quickly at the idea of a bookish dowager. His thoughts turned to a feminine figure, lush and ripe with promise, reclining on a bed, having fallen asleep awaiting her lover. Her dark hair-.
"I suppose you are dreaming about your fantasy girl again, seeing as I have been trying to tell you of Isabella for a good five minutes," observed Richard. "Shall you never get her out of your mind? First it was your obsession over the sketch book and now the damn painting. I hear you've emissary has been hounding poor Ingres mercilessly for the identity of the model. There is many a dark haired beauty here tonight, nay in all London who would be more than please to make your fantasies come true.
Damien simply sighed. His friend would truly never understand, he not understanding it himself, the obsession he had begun for the true identity of the model in the sketch book he owned. Last year his Mr. Franks, a most trustworthy and well-connected art dealer, had approached him with what he described as a one of a kind piece that he had been consigned. It's shocking asking price had meant nothing to Damien once he had examined it.
The sketch book was filled with page after page of a woman, in the nude in various reposes. The damnability was that in every sketch her face was blank. Normally not a fan of the new Romantic style, he was surprised when he spent more and more time with the book, studying each line, each curve, each mark.
"Ever so sorry. What about her," he inquired out of boredom. He poured his watery lemonade into a convenient plant and set the fragile cup on a passing server's tray.
"Oh, quite Italian. Intelligent, reads ad writes three languages, plays chess with great skill, wicked sense of humor. Her year of mourning for father has long past sense and I practically had bribe her hear with promises of botanical gardens, boxwood hedges and whatever other plants she cares to see."
"Why so interested?"
"Oh, I'm hoping to marry her off. I'd feel like I had preformed my duty as step-son. I hate to think her alone."
"Very altruistic of you. Well, the Duchess' wig is quite making my eyes water, didn't anyone tell her that fell out of fashion years up on years ago. If you decide to seek solace later in a glass and games, I shall be at Whites." He made for the stairs after bidding goodnight to his hostess and sneezing rather indiscreetly as the powder on her wig.
In truth, despite the early hour he was anxious to get home. Just as he was leaving his newest painting, the "The Valpincon Bather" had arrived. He looked forward to it joining Monsieur Ingres' "Girl after bathing". He was more than anxious to return and compare the subjects to ensure they were the same woman. He had heard of the marvel that was Monsieur's "La Grande Odalisque", unveiled last year at an exhibition at The Paris Salon. The damnable Little Dictator had made it quite impossible for him to personally view it thus he had Mr. Franks send a French painter to copy it brush stroke by brush stroke.
"Ah, there she is. Do wait a moment and be introduced to Isabelle, Damien," his friend asked.
A beauty of the first water had arrived at the top of the stairs. A hush rippled through the ballroom for a second before it begin to buzz in earnest telling who had already met and entertained the mysterious Countess.
She was not young, she was not old. Thirty, guessed Damien. Still considerably younger than her late husband had been and with her inheritance, she would still be considered a prime catch. She was dark, bespeaking her Mediterranean heritage. Olive skinned, black hair, dark eyes. Her figure a bit fuller than those of the English society maven as dictated by the fashion of Italy. Her looks were complemented by the gauzy ivory gown and pearls she wore.
She appeared uncertain at first, then her face breaking into a radiant smile when she saw Richard coming forth. "You told me this was to be a small gathering, Richard. Shame on you," she scolded fondly.
"Sorry, darling, or shall I introduce you as my dear Mother?" He kissed her lightly on the cheek.
"Don't you dare, you saucy pup or I shall thrash you like a
school boy."
"By the way," Richard tossed over his shoulder," Isabella, the Dowager Countess of Frasier, this is my oldest and dearest of intimates, Damien, Earl of Coulter. May I interest you in some perfectly horrid lemonade, Bella?" Richard made to take her arm to lead her to an introduction with the Duchess.
"Would your ladyship do me the honor of this dance," Damien blurted out. So uncharacteristic was his forwardness and clumsy delivery, Richard stopped in his tracks and simply blinked at him.
"I should greet the hostess, I believe. I shall be happy to add you to my dance card for…Oh my." And before she knew it, Isabella was whirling about the dance floor.

# # #

"I know you," the Earl informed her. Neither preamble nor polite chatter with this man. He was staring down at her intensely, as though his dark hair and gray eyes did not make him intense enough.
She smiled easily at him. A woman with nothing to hide. "Have you been to Italy recently, my Lord," she inquired breezily.
"No, not since my Grand Tour in ninety-eight. I do know you," he repeated. Not a question, just fact.
"I have lived in Italy my entire life, Sir. I am sure you've confused me with another. Do not let it trouble you." Perhaps he would let it go now. It would be impolite of him to press further.
"That is where you met Edward's father, is it not? Rome?" H was looking more puzzled by the moment.
"Yes, the English climate did not agree with him in his later years. He took up residence there."
"And we have never-."
"Have you been to Sussex recently," she cut him off. He was like an old dog with a bone. And she did not enjoy feeling the clamp of his muzzle about her.
"No," he replied slowly. He was barely listening now, studying her so relentlessly that she was afraid they were attracting attention.
"I have not left it during my mourning. The dance comes to a close. Perhaps you could return me to Edward?" She went to take his arm, in the process she was forced to shift the slight trail of fabric from her skirt, allowing the back of her neck be exposed to him. Straightening, she took his arm and made to move from the floor.
He stopped and turned to her, she saw him swallowing hard, a bead of perspiration forming on his brow,
"I did not recognize you clothed, your ladyship," he said
in wonder.
She made a hasty exit off the floor. He pursued.
"It is you? The Odalisque? I would never have truly known had I not seen the birth mark on the back of your neck." He reached to touch it and she slapped his hand away with her fan.
"Sir, this is most improper and if you do not desist immediately, I shall inform my son-in-law of your advances." She moved quickly toward the doors to the ladies retiring room. Again he pursued.
"I would not have known your face, but you body, your birthmark, the curve of your neck, they are as distinctive as a snowflake."
"I beg of you to leave me alone, sir. I've developed a headache and must ask Richard to escort me home. Good evening." She turned, almost in tears to hurry away.
"I dream of you every night."
She stopped in her tracks. "I must go," she said quietly, not even turning to face him.
The Odalisque. Here. She must be his in life as she was in portraiture. Richard said he had hoped to make a suitable match during The Season. Damien was quite sure he would be suitable.

Crap, right? But these Regency Women are eating it up with a spoon. Anyway, run along to www.avonfanlit.com, register, scroll through and find me and give me a five please.. You already read the thing so you might as well help me out.

Harpies

Okay. so Monday night I did indeed write up a chapter and put it up on the Avon Fan-Lit board. I'm not a regency reader, I hate heaving bosoms. I hate the word heaving in general and dislike body parts that do so. The closeset I get is Julia Quinn which is not by a LONG shot Regency Regular. So I shot off this amusing and different , in my opinion, little chapter. It was actually an excellent exercise in editing. You had to be no more then 2500 chracters total with spaces for your chapter. A catch line could be no more that a 80. Your synopsis no more than 125 and your chapter teaser? About 250. It was editing hell but I'm glad I did it since it forced me to make some difficult choices. Not saying said choices were the correct ones, but choices were made and scenes were sliced none the less. If anyone would like to wander over with a kind word, it's called Pursued and you can slap a five on there and I will send you an autographed copy of my first book.

Turthfully, I read through a lot of the submission taglines looking for something not heaving and the ones I found and read that were unique and liked and gave good marks to? Are getting slaughtered by the Regency Natzis. If you don't like it, just ignore it. Don't be ugly to each other. These people are viscious.

So if you would like to boost my score or anyone else's, head over. If not, I don't blame you, it's hell over there.

Friday. Fun.

Sorry, not feeling fun.

Anyway, I wanted to give you all this because it's obsessive but you can only play an hour. You do have to download the demo so it's not ideal for work.

Virtual Villagers Trial

It's a SIM which I think are fun. You have to teach the little buggers everything but they continue to wrok while you are not actively runnign the game. So I started everyone on a task, fruit picking, clearing the rocks from the river, examining herbs, and working on building, oh and sent a few into the huts for nature to take it's course, than I checked back every once in awhile. That wasy I got to play longer and it was so interesting to see what they had done. Fish Tycoon is also like this but moces at a SNAILS PACE. I like dealing with the little people. Warning: it is addictive and you will be tempted to buy it. Sorry.

Sorry for the absence, mea culpa

My apologies, my dears, I have been away from you too long. My deviotion has not lessened, only my time.

I know you all probably kept checking for my big Croc Hunter essay. I tried to write one but...well, are we really surprised by his death? Ironically by one of the most inocuous creatures of the deep. And given that Steve's baliwick was land not sea...well, there you go. I know that Steve and his wife fancied themselves conservationist. And they did a lot of good in many areas. But I have always had a quibble with the WAY they did it. The way they chose to garner the attention (sticking heads in croc mouths, wrestling anacondas, tossing one's self in with tiger sharks) through cheap, dangerous stunts. I works at the zoo for awhile. Here's the truth, a wild animal IS a wild animal. It can/will turn on you. Crocodiles are not housepets, they do not care about you. Boas do not have emotional attachments. The best I can illustrate this was one day when chatting with an elephant keeper as she was wheelbarrowing out about two hundred pounds of elephant shit and had told me she was quitting. "Won't they miss you," I asked. "No," she said. "They will be attached as much as they are to me as to the next person who shows up and feeds them, cleans them, cleans the stalls and scrapes the crap out of their yard. We are not thier friends or family. We don't chat or have coffee together. They're great animals, they're smart, they're resourceful, but they won't notice I'm gone and it's someone new taking this wheelbarrow out." Wild animals are wild. God made them that way for a reason. And God gave us common sense for a reason (although not in equal doses). And hovering around a ray with a six foot wing span and eighteen inch barb who is trying to get away from you during the part of the year where rays are all freaked out about tiger shark attacks anyway? Well, again...it was going to happen sooner than later. My heart goes out to his children, and no, I don't know if it was a doll or his daughter he was dangling there so I make no judgments.

So, it's 9/11. And the news channels and the not news channels and the channels that think they're news but are not are all busy making us relive it. I stood in an office and watched the second plane fly into the tower. I watched people throwing themselves out of the windows because they were so scared to be burned to death. I watched the towers collapse. I used to live in New York. Did you know that? I worked right across the street from the Trade Center. As a matter of fact it was my subway stop and usually before I went to work I sat out in the plaza in the shade of building one and had my coffee. I saw the people who went in and out. I bought the occasional newspaper or cigarettes from the newstand guy next to the subway tunnel. I don't need a movie or a replay of the news coverage to see those people in my mind crushed under a million pounds of rubble without any idea of why or who or how.

The Basics

It seems there are a number of aspiring writers out there who haven't the least CLUE about RWA or anything else about actually being published. Fear not, I am here to help make sure your manuscript does not immediately meet the roundfile.

First the super basic: www.rwanational.org Home page for Romance Writer's Association. The mother of all romance/women's fic. Belonging is the one of the first steps to being taken seriously by agents/publishers.

Now: Format. This should be standard stuff but often people do not know. White paper, 1 inch margins all around. 12 pt. Courier New or Times font. Black ink. Your name and title of work should appear on each page in the left hand corner as a header, the right should have page numbers.
Example:

B. Smith/Generic Manuscript 1

Then jump down about a third and start off with a big ol' Chapter One. Now, some of you have prologues. You consider them more important thatn life and would rather sacrifice an arm then remove them. Get your saw out. Loose it. People want to be in this story RIGHT THEN not wandering around in the past/future.

Third: New Scene, Head hopping, Tense

If you have a new scene in a chapter use # as the divider, don;t try anything cutesy. Example:


Bob's horse stopped short throwing Bob off a cliff and to a bone shattering death. Poor Bob.

# # #

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

Got it?

Headhopping? Unless you're Nora Roberts then, no. Just no. It's bad formatting and just bad storytelling. Bob should have his own paragraph.

Tense, let's be consistent here. While mishmashing first and third person may seem edgy. It's not.

Now, exposition. The down fall of most writers, the damn exposition fairy comes and whacks the shit out of you with her wand. And suddenly you have characters staring out at landscapes and remembering childhood trauma or lost loves or the LONG LONG story of how they lost their car keys that hilarious time in Modesto. Stop that. It's boring. Here is THE RULE: SHOW DON'T TELL. Move those people around, interact them, tell me what's going on.

Don't have a cute email address when applying to an editor/agent. They have told me time and again that anyone with an email address like "BoBoFooDog1" or "KittySnuggles" doesn't get much respect. I set up an email address that is ONLY on my business cards for agents and editors.

Go to sites and join organizations and web boards that can help you. RWA has many special interest chapters. Go look. Romance Times has a great website. Publisher's Marketplace. Predators and Editors. Publishing houses and Agents blogs/websites. Other writer's websites. Don't be afriad to email your favorite author and just say hi, I love your work. Often they're looking for a reason to procrastinate and email is the answer. Mary Janice Davidson and I got in a multi email discussion once about TWOP. Read Miss Snark. Check out Jenny Crusie's Cherrys.

Contest: Meh. I recommend the Golden Heart if you are going to do one. You prepay and there is a very strict deadline. So you feel pressured to meet it. Just like real life. Keep in mind that contest results are often wildly skewed based on the reader. If you do enter other contest look for things that offer your category. And your weakest points. I write a great cover letter so I need not enter a coverletter contest. I don't need validation. But my synopsis are awful. So a synopsis contest might be useful. Also, keep in mind that these are just four or five random people's opinions.

Time to send out that manuscript? I'll just print out all four hundred pages and ship it right out. NONONO! Don't you dare. First, find your targets. Where does your book fit? Is it category? Is it mystery? Find who and what handles your sort of stuff. Now take a look at their "Submission" page. They all have one but you may have to look closely. Some will tell you they do not except unagented material. Fine, get back to them when you have an agent. Now, unless stated otherwise, send your query letter and ONLY your query letter in whatever form they wish. SOme will ask for partials right off tha bat. If that's true than by all means do it. Each publisher/agent will tell you EXACTLY how to package things. LISTEN TO THEM, otherwise? Round File.

Other questions? No. Get back to me if you have any. Hope this helps some of you.