Offices of Lipton Tea Company
Friday, August 19, 2006
4:38 P.M.
Transcript from meeting between Research and Development, Marketing and Teabag (traditional)
Marketing Guru: Hi, TB, we're glad you could join us. Have a seat. Can we get you anything? Hot water? Lemon? Honey?
Teabag: Um, no thanks.
Marketing Guru: I want to get straight to the point, TB. You've been doing an excellent job for us. We're thrilled with your work.
Teabag: Okay....
R&D Guy: But the thing is...well....
Marketing Guru: We're phasing you out.
Teabag: Huh? What?
Marketing Guru: The Lipton Company wants to make tea a staple. A classic. The name known in every home. We want tea to be the new...
Teabag: Tea?
Marketing: Yes! We want it to be hip, fresh, young. We want everyone who's anyone to know about tea. We want tea houses springing up, we want tea rooms abounding, we want people sitting down for a cup of tea on a regular basis.
Teabag: Heh? In England don't they-.
Marketing Guru: Our research shows that you're...passe. When people think of tea they think teabag.
Teabag: Really. How odd.
Marketing Guru: No, it's true. Your image is...old fashion. We've decided we need to shake it up. So...we've done some focus groups.
Teabag: Oh God! Can I steep in here?
Marketing Guru: And what we found is that the young and hip no longer want tea in a two sided bag.
Teabag: Excuse me?
R&D Guy: It's true. They want something more exciting.
Teabag: And you got this from focus groups?
R&D Guy: Well....no. They didn't care. But the thing is we've decided you're passe. We've decided to rework you. We've decided to make the new tea bag. We've decided on...get ready...a triangle. A pyramid if you will.
Teabag: So this pyramid bag? It's more efficent?
R&D Guy: Well, no. I mean you stick it in and pour hot water over it and it steeps.
Teabag: So it looks better when they take it out?
R&D Guy: Er, no. It still looks like a lump.
Teabag: Look, I know I'll never have the glamour that my English cousin does all loose leaf and fancy free but still....
Marketing Guru: American men don't like tea. They think it's wimpy.
Teabag: And the new pyramid teabag will change that?
R&D Guy: Absolutely. Pyramids remind men of ancient Egypt. They remind them of virility and strength and....
Teabag: Sand? Slavery? Unchecked disease?
Marketing Guru: Well, sure that too. Look, we know you've been around since the eighties.
Teabag: 1904.
Marketing: Whatever. But the new teabags are speaking to a new generation.
Teabag: And what are they saying?
Marketing Guru: According to our new commericals, that tea is the new flirtation. Men drinking tea is a turn on. That sitting in a quaint outdoor cafe with a paper and a cup of steaming hot Oolong is going to bring the women to your feet. Tea is ...hot!
Teabag: Oooookay. So....
Marketing Guru: So, it's been a great ride but...we're going in a new direction. Thank you for your service to the company. We'll send you a watch.
Seriously, pyramid shaped tea bags? What the hell?
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