It dawned on me this weekend that my purse ways 200 pounds, thus perhaps explaining some of my shoulder pain.
So it's time for the CLEAN OUT. And I thought you all might be interested in what Suburban Mom carries around.
First, a bit about the actual bag. After giving birth to my daughter in March, I had to shop for a dress to wear to a funeral in October. Yes, some mom's bounce back immediately and one week after giving birth way what they weighed pre-kid. Not me. So there I stodd in the ghastly lit, three way mirrored dresing room at Talbots. Normally, I avoid Talbots since...well, not me. But for a death dress it seemed okay. Here's what I saw. A woman with a baby belly and a c-section scar, no makeup, grown out hair, wearing maternity jeans, a terrible top with baby spit up on one corner. Taking off the clothes I proved to be wearing white athletic socks, granny panties and a saggy nursing bra. One boob was bigger than the other (thus the sag) and I hadn't apparently Naired in a week and my eyebrows? I can't talk about it. In all, probably the worst visual of my life. Aided by a cheap, black plastic disaper bag hanging off the handle of the Zooper, where my child was asleep.
YIKES!!!! Not helped by the fact that I was constantly surrounded by thin, non-rootty, well shaven women
Fast Forward-day after Thanksgiving. Armed with coupons and no baby, I set out to Macy's for the early bird saving sale. Which, totally NOT worth getting up for. Anywho, I was in handbags looking for something for my friend Cary, who had a tendancy to haul six different bags around to accomodate her stuff. I bought her a swell black hobo bag that went with anything and could hold a mountain of stuff wihtout actually looking overstuffed. Then I saw it. A black leather Tommy Hilfiger. Simple, and yet elegant. It's got a harder side constructiona dn it's square. Checking the inside I found a blue, nylon (wipe outable) interior that was amazingly roomy with no divider pockets. I think technically it was some sort of stylish on the go bag for corporate types who stuff files in their bags. So the bag was bought and I used it very successfully as a baby bag for ages. Then baby out grew bag and it just became an excellent large handbag.
So let's see what's accumulated since last clean out which was app. one month ago.
1) Emory University School of Medicine Consent form (8 pages) from my last trip to doctor where they wanted me to ask my husband for a spit sample to use in a DNA study with mine and the baby's.
2)Envelope marked Clothes. This is my husband's answer to reigning in the spending. I get an envelope a week for clothes for myself and the girl. Contents: $40.
3) Newsletter for Salon Elon, where I get my hair done. Yes, my salon has an actual newsletter.
4) Thermacare Heatwrap for Back and Hip
5)My husband's cell phone
6) Key ring with 10 keys, three of which go to houses we no longer own. Also, seven of those keychain store card things on it.
7)One small bottle generic ibuprofin, still in box
8)My husbands eye glass case (hardside)
9)white linen handkerchief in preperation for seeing Marie Antoinette (not needed)
10)Ticket stub for MaArie Antoinette
11)Reciept for Salon Elon for last color
12)Envelope marked household and fun (contents $20)
13)Tin of altoids
14)Check book with credit cards and pictures
15)That big pink reciept thingy from doctor's visit to Emory
16) Two pieces of white printer paper, one with a potential Disneyworld itenerary scribbled on it, the other one is blank
17)Target receipt from 10/24/06
18)Chico's receipt from 11/4/06
19)Perscription from Shrink
20) Target receipt dated 10/27/06
21)Expired coupon for The Children's Place
22)A pumpkin. No really. It's an actual mini-pumpkin.
23) Ann Taylor sunglasses
24)Publix receipt 10/22/06
25) generic Migrain Relief
26)Bottle Visine A.C. unopened and in box
27) Hair brush belonging to my daughter
28)Maybelline Superstay Lipstick, shade 705 which is not really my color
29)One makeup holder containing one Oral-B Brushup but no actual make-up
30)Email address for our waitress on our cruise
31)Two recordable CD's with nothing on them
32)Straw from Wendy's
33) One container of Body Shop coconut lip butter
34) 5 pens
35) 2 1/2 in gate hook and eye, in package
36) Coffee stirrer from Starbucks
37)Yogi Tea bag wrapper (Sweet Thai Delight), no actual tea bag
38) Inspirational quote ripped off bottom of Celestial Sesonings tea box
39) $25.00 Chico's coupon (used)
40)Aveda Salon reciept 9/19/06
41) 2 open packages Splenda
42) Tiffany make-up mirror with name engraved on it
43)$50 GA Natural Gas gift card that has never worked
44)5 crayons
45)Receipt Walgreens, 10/31/06
46) Two hair bands
47) one unopened disposable contact lens
48) jumpdrive
49)Turqoise ring
50)Elon business cards
51)Great Lash Mascara
52) 2 more crayons
53)Tylenol Severe Allergy Capsule
54) Two RWA convention pins
55) $50 mostly in ones
56) one greek coin earring (the other fell down under my car seat)
57) $9.27 in change
58) goldfish crumbs
I think I'm going to loose the Splenda packages.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
Sorry AAA fans...maybe
Kristin from eonline apparently spilled her best guess for the big death next week in the "Watch Lost With Me" chat.
If you read the thread now, her guess has been removed, but there are a few hints that remain:
Side note: I think they changed the 'Other' death in light of who is (I'm 99 percent sure) dying next week if it is name deleted, I'm gonna be ******. Cause name deleted is the second best actor on the show, and the only reason they'd get rid of him is to appease the first. Or at least, that's my educated guess!
Also, in her most recent blog on Lost, she says:
Also spoiler alert you may have heard by now there's a big death next week and some general consensus on who it's gonna be. And let me just say, they better leggo my…beloved favorite.
Oh dear. Sorry about that.
If you read the thread now, her guess has been removed, but there are a few hints that remain:
Side note: I think they changed the 'Other' death in light of who is (I'm 99 percent sure) dying next week if it is name deleted, I'm gonna be ******. Cause name deleted is the second best actor on the show, and the only reason they'd get rid of him is to appease the first. Or at least, that's my educated guess!
Also, in her most recent blog on Lost, she says:
Also spoiler alert you may have heard by now there's a big death next week and some general consensus on who it's gonna be. And let me just say, they better leggo my…beloved favorite.
Oh dear. Sorry about that.
Accessories...
Also an apple pie (I recommend the new Mrs. Smith Cinnabon) and some corn muffins complete this nicely along with a cabernet.
Ick Day Recipes
It's icky here. Like rain and cold wind ick. In other words the perfect day to come home at the end of the week and have dinner READY to jump on. Thus, pot roast.
Over the years people have been asking for my "secret " pot roast recipe. My friends, here it is.
First, pick a roast that actually fits in the crockpot.
Second, toss in the bottom your "hard" veggies, potatoes and raw carrots come to mind. I like red potatoes since I can just toss and there's no peeling but if you have red potato or skin issues feel free to peel and chop into large chuncks the potato of your choice. I also like to prick the potatoes a few times with a knife to let in some juicy goodness.
Third, toss in roast, prick that a time or two on top.
Fourth, surround pot roast with any other veggie you desire. I usually peruse the pantry and freezer and find long lost ingredients. Lentils are good, frozen green beans, that sort of thing. A lot of people put in okra or a veggie mix. I say that's beef soup stuff but whatever. Also, I usually toss in a few garlic cloves if they're hanging out with no dish in sight to use them in.
Fourth, the important part, cut up onion in fairly large slices. Toss some on veggies and put some on top of roast.
AND HERE IS THE SECRET YOU'VE ALL BEEN WANTING, add one packet of beef stew mix (McCormicks or Kroger generic) AND a package of au jus mix (again with the McCormick's or generic). Make sure you get some on tope of roast and then sprinkle around the sides.
Now grab a cup of water and fill just enough to cover veggies. Your roast is going to release a lot of water and you don't want soup. The mix on the top of roast will foram a nice crust too.
Turn crock pot on low.
Leave alone.
There it is. The NovelChick Roast Perfecto. You just can't screw this up. Trust me. I've made a million of them, served them at parties and brought them over to the sick, funerals and after birth food taking occasions. It never fails that people say it is the most tender and succulent roast of their lives.
Enjoy.
Over the years people have been asking for my "secret " pot roast recipe. My friends, here it is.
First, pick a roast that actually fits in the crockpot.
Second, toss in the bottom your "hard" veggies, potatoes and raw carrots come to mind. I like red potatoes since I can just toss and there's no peeling but if you have red potato or skin issues feel free to peel and chop into large chuncks the potato of your choice. I also like to prick the potatoes a few times with a knife to let in some juicy goodness.
Third, toss in roast, prick that a time or two on top.
Fourth, surround pot roast with any other veggie you desire. I usually peruse the pantry and freezer and find long lost ingredients. Lentils are good, frozen green beans, that sort of thing. A lot of people put in okra or a veggie mix. I say that's beef soup stuff but whatever. Also, I usually toss in a few garlic cloves if they're hanging out with no dish in sight to use them in.
Fourth, the important part, cut up onion in fairly large slices. Toss some on veggies and put some on top of roast.
AND HERE IS THE SECRET YOU'VE ALL BEEN WANTING, add one packet of beef stew mix (McCormicks or Kroger generic) AND a package of au jus mix (again with the McCormick's or generic). Make sure you get some on tope of roast and then sprinkle around the sides.
Now grab a cup of water and fill just enough to cover veggies. Your roast is going to release a lot of water and you don't want soup. The mix on the top of roast will foram a nice crust too.
Turn crock pot on low.
Leave alone.
There it is. The NovelChick Roast Perfecto. You just can't screw this up. Trust me. I've made a million of them, served them at parties and brought them over to the sick, funerals and after birth food taking occasions. It never fails that people say it is the most tender and succulent roast of their lives.
Enjoy.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Love/Hate
Novelchick and company saw Marie Antoinette on Monday eve. And our opinion? If a bunch of idiots would get up off of this movie for five minutes and freakin' read a little history they wouldn't pan it.
Look, I went in with my husband's handkerchief prepared to slog through beheadings, the drawn out death of two children and a whole lot of sad. Check it, didn't happen. Sofia Coppola very brilliantly stuck to presenting Marie's life at Versailles through the eyes of a young girl. The movie starts when she gets there and ends when they leave.
A lot of people aren't getting it. And that's cool because a lot of people are uneducated, not particularly smart or just plain believe everything that they heard in their ninth grade history class. But I'm not sure why they're going to the movie. From the user reviews it appears a lot of them were looking for some sort of political/historical piece. That's not what we have here. We have an honest look at what it was like to be Marie, how she spent her time and how innacurately she has been portrayed through history. Yes, there are a few things that got washed out of the mix but they were things that would have taken a whole two hours of nothing but political intrigue to set up. The Affair of the Necklace. The sex of the mob that marched on Versailles. How Madame Du Barry spent her time at court making Marie's life into one living hell. But this movie is lovely. To be shot at Versailles, in Marie's bedroom, in the Petite Trianon, in her little village, on the balcony, in reproduced costumes. You really see it through a child's eyes. Okay, so just so we're clear.
Not about French Revolution
Not about Socio-economic impact of monarchy
Not about the Affair of the Necklace
Not about Beheading
No death scenes of small children (actually the death of her daughter was handled SO well)
It is a Love Story
It is about a fourtenn year old girl sold into marriage unexpectedly after her two older sisters die
It is about the bizarre life at court compared to her ultra conservative mother's court
It is about the innocence of Marie and Louis and how it cost them everything
It has a righteous soundtrack
Now, at least, if nothing else, read this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marie_Antoinette and this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Affair_of_the_necklace
Shut up
kay, Rush, we know you are truly desperate for any ratings that will keep you one the air. Actually, I didn't know any radio network had so much time to kill that they had put you back on. Anyway, why don't you go down a Xanex with a Scotch and sit quietly in the corner fantasizing about your mother or whatever has led you to this mental state?
Okay, I'm editing this. It's not a particularly kind or Christian thing to say regardless of whether you called a man deep in the grip of a terminal diease a faker for expressing his political opinion. So how about this instead?
Rush, do up your pants, hit an AA meeting and find a very good therapist.
Okay, I'm editing this. It's not a particularly kind or Christian thing to say regardless of whether you called a man deep in the grip of a terminal diease a faker for expressing his political opinion. So how about this instead?
Rush, do up your pants, hit an AA meeting and find a very good therapist.
Sorry Addictive Personalities...
I'm slightly addicted. Here's a Friday Fun that can last way past Friday. You can do the initial download and play your hour. Than you can play in five minute intervals forever. I know that sounds weird but five minutes is exactly the amount of time you need for a little quick break and since it cuts you off and autosaves you, you don't spend all day.
It's sort of like Sims but without all the annoying waiting around. Male and female characters and you can enable same-sex relationships.
Kudos Tip: Buy a dog, a Soduko book and a take a martial arts class pretty quickly.
And the winner is...
If you didn't watch BSG last Friday then you missed, in Novelchick's not particularly humble opinion, one of the finest episodes of television EVER along with possibly the most awesome visual moment.
For those of you who saw the Galactica descending through the ATMOSPHERE of New Caprica like a hammer wielded by God's Own Hand, spewing out fighters and then jumping before I could even utter Holy Frack? We should just get our DSL lines humming on a write-in campaign to the Emmy Nominating Committee which we know are old whiney grandmothers and will ignore the show AGAIN.
BSG has been stirring up some thought provoking plotlines since the beginning: religion, faith, cyborgs, suicide bombings, politics, etc. So for those of you who might be interested in really feeling some of those things out, add this puppy to your Christmas List.
So Say We All...
An article written by TWOP's own recapper is included and it's edited by Richard Hatch (no not the one in jail).
For those of you who saw the Galactica descending through the ATMOSPHERE of New Caprica like a hammer wielded by God's Own Hand, spewing out fighters and then jumping before I could even utter Holy Frack? We should just get our DSL lines humming on a write-in campaign to the Emmy Nominating Committee which we know are old whiney grandmothers and will ignore the show AGAIN.
BSG has been stirring up some thought provoking plotlines since the beginning: religion, faith, cyborgs, suicide bombings, politics, etc. So for those of you who might be interested in really feeling some of those things out, add this puppy to your Christmas List.
So Say We All...
An article written by TWOP's own recapper is included and it's edited by Richard Hatch (no not the one in jail).
And here we go...
Oh my poor, poor darlings! I have abandoned you way too long! So I'm making up for it NOW.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Teabag: The Bag, The Myth, The Image
Offices of Lipton Tea Company
Friday, August 19, 2006
4:38 P.M.
Transcript from meeting between Research and Development, Marketing and Teabag (traditional)
Marketing Guru: Hi, TB, we're glad you could join us. Have a seat. Can we get you anything? Hot water? Lemon? Honey?
Teabag: Um, no thanks.
Marketing Guru: I want to get straight to the point, TB. You've been doing an excellent job for us. We're thrilled with your work.
Teabag: Okay....
R&D Guy: But the thing is...well....
Marketing Guru: We're phasing you out.
Teabag: Huh? What?
Marketing Guru: The Lipton Company wants to make tea a staple. A classic. The name known in every home. We want tea to be the new...
Teabag: Tea?
Marketing: Yes! We want it to be hip, fresh, young. We want everyone who's anyone to know about tea. We want tea houses springing up, we want tea rooms abounding, we want people sitting down for a cup of tea on a regular basis.
Teabag: Heh? In England don't they-.
Marketing Guru: Our research shows that you're...passe. When people think of tea they think teabag.
Teabag: Really. How odd.
Marketing Guru: No, it's true. Your image is...old fashion. We've decided we need to shake it up. So...we've done some focus groups.
Teabag: Oh God! Can I steep in here?
Marketing Guru: And what we found is that the young and hip no longer want tea in a two sided bag.
Teabag: Excuse me?
R&D Guy: It's true. They want something more exciting.
Teabag: And you got this from focus groups?
R&D Guy: Well....no. They didn't care. But the thing is we've decided you're passe. We've decided to rework you. We've decided to make the new tea bag. We've decided on...get ready...a triangle. A pyramid if you will.
Teabag: So this pyramid bag? It's more efficent?
R&D Guy: Well, no. I mean you stick it in and pour hot water over it and it steeps.
Teabag: So it looks better when they take it out?
R&D Guy: Er, no. It still looks like a lump.
Teabag: Look, I know I'll never have the glamour that my English cousin does all loose leaf and fancy free but still....
Marketing Guru: American men don't like tea. They think it's wimpy.
Teabag: And the new pyramid teabag will change that?
R&D Guy: Absolutely. Pyramids remind men of ancient Egypt. They remind them of virility and strength and....
Teabag: Sand? Slavery? Unchecked disease?
Marketing Guru: Well, sure that too. Look, we know you've been around since the eighties.
Teabag: 1904.
Marketing: Whatever. But the new teabags are speaking to a new generation.
Teabag: And what are they saying?
Marketing Guru: According to our new commericals, that tea is the new flirtation. Men drinking tea is a turn on. That sitting in a quaint outdoor cafe with a paper and a cup of steaming hot Oolong is going to bring the women to your feet. Tea is ...hot!
Teabag: Oooookay. So....
Marketing Guru: So, it's been a great ride but...we're going in a new direction. Thank you for your service to the company. We'll send you a watch.
Seriously, pyramid shaped tea bags? What the hell?
Friday, August 19, 2006
4:38 P.M.
Transcript from meeting between Research and Development, Marketing and Teabag (traditional)
Marketing Guru: Hi, TB, we're glad you could join us. Have a seat. Can we get you anything? Hot water? Lemon? Honey?
Teabag: Um, no thanks.
Marketing Guru: I want to get straight to the point, TB. You've been doing an excellent job for us. We're thrilled with your work.
Teabag: Okay....
R&D Guy: But the thing is...well....
Marketing Guru: We're phasing you out.
Teabag: Huh? What?
Marketing Guru: The Lipton Company wants to make tea a staple. A classic. The name known in every home. We want tea to be the new...
Teabag: Tea?
Marketing: Yes! We want it to be hip, fresh, young. We want everyone who's anyone to know about tea. We want tea houses springing up, we want tea rooms abounding, we want people sitting down for a cup of tea on a regular basis.
Teabag: Heh? In England don't they-.
Marketing Guru: Our research shows that you're...passe. When people think of tea they think teabag.
Teabag: Really. How odd.
Marketing Guru: No, it's true. Your image is...old fashion. We've decided we need to shake it up. So...we've done some focus groups.
Teabag: Oh God! Can I steep in here?
Marketing Guru: And what we found is that the young and hip no longer want tea in a two sided bag.
Teabag: Excuse me?
R&D Guy: It's true. They want something more exciting.
Teabag: And you got this from focus groups?
R&D Guy: Well....no. They didn't care. But the thing is we've decided you're passe. We've decided to rework you. We've decided to make the new tea bag. We've decided on...get ready...a triangle. A pyramid if you will.
Teabag: So this pyramid bag? It's more efficent?
R&D Guy: Well, no. I mean you stick it in and pour hot water over it and it steeps.
Teabag: So it looks better when they take it out?
R&D Guy: Er, no. It still looks like a lump.
Teabag: Look, I know I'll never have the glamour that my English cousin does all loose leaf and fancy free but still....
Marketing Guru: American men don't like tea. They think it's wimpy.
Teabag: And the new pyramid teabag will change that?
R&D Guy: Absolutely. Pyramids remind men of ancient Egypt. They remind them of virility and strength and....
Teabag: Sand? Slavery? Unchecked disease?
Marketing Guru: Well, sure that too. Look, we know you've been around since the eighties.
Teabag: 1904.
Marketing: Whatever. But the new teabags are speaking to a new generation.
Teabag: And what are they saying?
Marketing Guru: According to our new commericals, that tea is the new flirtation. Men drinking tea is a turn on. That sitting in a quaint outdoor cafe with a paper and a cup of steaming hot Oolong is going to bring the women to your feet. Tea is ...hot!
Teabag: Oooookay. So....
Marketing Guru: So, it's been a great ride but...we're going in a new direction. Thank you for your service to the company. We'll send you a watch.
Seriously, pyramid shaped tea bags? What the hell?
Monday, October 09, 2006
Story Magic
From Dwight Swain, author of Techniques of the Selling Writer, "The thing that hooks your reader in the opening is curiosity. The thing that holds him the rest of the way, straight through to the final paragraph, is suspense."
Some of you out there are writers. I know you are, you email me. So this post I hope will help you.
Traditionally I have always been known as a Pantster. People who do not plot out a book prior to writing it and just basically going where it takes me. This is good in that you're as surprised as anyone else at the twists and turns. Basically, your characters are running the show for you. You just write down what your muse tells you. Sometimes it works, sometimes your muse is an idiot. But it all seems to work out in the end.
Then there are those who are outliners. My friend Marge is like this. She needs to know EVERYTHING before the words Chapter One can be committed to paper. She frequently has to know the name of the neighbor's dog. Many a great author uses this style. Many do not. It's a very personal choice mostly based on your personality. Do you need a roadmap or can you go where your spirit takes you?
Well, even us Pantsters need to stop and ask for directions occasionally.
Every writer, EVERY WRITER, knows about The Hero's Journey by Vogler (here's a down and dirty freebie version I found Vogler OVerview Freebie). It's like standard issue if you ever write anything. And for the most part, it works. It's a lot of prep time but for some people that's the best part. I have always scorned Vogler as taking the joy out of writing. But recently my WIP was getting all muddled up with scenes that had no order. So I enrolled myself in the awesome Discovering Story Magic workshop Discovering Story Magicwhich was taught on-line this time. It was offered by Writers Online Classes. They are also offering some really great workshops through the end of the year and I encourage you to stop by and check it out.
Incidentally, here is a nearly PERFECT Vogler worksheet if you want to see how awesomely some people are able to plan.
Painfully Thought Out Character Worksheet (and yes it is 60 pages).
Discovering Story Magic has somehow managed to condense all of this down into a usable, even portable, dare I say easy, version. It is NOT the same thing as Vogler but it feels familiar but more accessible. And it involves a lot of Post-Its and posterboard (you'll just have to take the class). But I do want to leave you with a quote or two from the workshop that I thought was amazing and I don't believe they will mind me passing along to you.
That magic --- is THEME! Because if you can discover the theme of your story, you will find the heart of your book.
Some of you out there are writers. I know you are, you email me. So this post I hope will help you.
Traditionally I have always been known as a Pantster. People who do not plot out a book prior to writing it and just basically going where it takes me. This is good in that you're as surprised as anyone else at the twists and turns. Basically, your characters are running the show for you. You just write down what your muse tells you. Sometimes it works, sometimes your muse is an idiot. But it all seems to work out in the end.
Then there are those who are outliners. My friend Marge is like this. She needs to know EVERYTHING before the words Chapter One can be committed to paper. She frequently has to know the name of the neighbor's dog. Many a great author uses this style. Many do not. It's a very personal choice mostly based on your personality. Do you need a roadmap or can you go where your spirit takes you?
Well, even us Pantsters need to stop and ask for directions occasionally.
Every writer, EVERY WRITER, knows about The Hero's Journey by Vogler (here's a down and dirty freebie version I found Vogler OVerview Freebie). It's like standard issue if you ever write anything. And for the most part, it works. It's a lot of prep time but for some people that's the best part. I have always scorned Vogler as taking the joy out of writing. But recently my WIP was getting all muddled up with scenes that had no order. So I enrolled myself in the awesome Discovering Story Magic workshop Discovering Story Magicwhich was taught on-line this time. It was offered by Writers Online Classes. They are also offering some really great workshops through the end of the year and I encourage you to stop by and check it out.
Incidentally, here is a nearly PERFECT Vogler worksheet if you want to see how awesomely some people are able to plan.
Painfully Thought Out Character Worksheet (and yes it is 60 pages).
Discovering Story Magic has somehow managed to condense all of this down into a usable, even portable, dare I say easy, version. It is NOT the same thing as Vogler but it feels familiar but more accessible. And it involves a lot of Post-Its and posterboard (you'll just have to take the class). But I do want to leave you with a quote or two from the workshop that I thought was amazing and I don't believe they will mind me passing along to you.
That magic --- is THEME! Because if you can discover the theme of your story, you will find the heart of your book.
HOW MUCH YOUR CHARACTER CARES ABOUT THEIR GOAL IS IN DIRECT PROPORTION TO HOW MUCH THE READER WILL CARE!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Witch does rhyme with ignorant bitch
Memorize this face.
If you see it, take your children by the hand and back away from her slowly. She is armed with mass amounts of stupidity, bigotry, illiteracy and she's not afraid to use them to embarrass herself or her children. BACK AWAY SLOWLY!!!!
Headline: Laura Mallory, of Loganville, Ga., holds up a brochure for a summer camp for learning the art of witchcraft. Mallory was trying to convince a Gwinnett County board of education officer during an Oct. 3 hearing that Harry Potter should be banned from classrooms and school libraries.
You never hear about these things in Seattle or Portland or Asheville. There's always one pathetic, ignorant parent out there on a crusade that makes no sense and just glots up the mess that is public education even more. And today, it's this one.
Personally, Laura Mallory of Loganville, GA, I say you have a right to your opinion. You may completely stand firm on your moral highground and condemn us all to hell for reading a book about an orphan boy and his magical adventures. I've attended all the midnight madness parties to if that buys me a place in a deeper circle of hell by the way. But let's examine a thing or two.
First, did you read it? Please do not waste time saying that something is evil if you haven't bothered to do the research. If you didn't read the book ( and I'll guess you haven't) than you really have nothing to say about it. I mean do you know that really Harry Potter is about bigotry and prejudice and how fear of things you don't understand can corrupt even the best of intentions? NO? Thought not. Not only would one have to read the book, one would have to be able to grasp higher learning concepts.
Second, were you sending your kids to that camp? Like was it a Fundamental Religious Knitting Camp last year or something and changed curriculums and you couldn't get your deposit back or what? Leave the camp alone. They're probably not holding up pictures of you and saying how evil you are for your poor choice in jackets.
Third, I'm missing the connection. What is your objection? To Harry Potter? He's been a round a bit and kids have been reading him awhile and I have yet to see the first school shooting led by anyone in Quidditch robes. A much better track record of violence? Children of ignorant, redneck religious fanatics.... Or is it what you think the evils of having Harry Potter on a bookshelf is doing to today's youth. Honestly, the only kids checking HP out of the school library are the ones who are fact checking because every house has multiple copies. Except yours. You know just when you think the last alcoholic mother who loses her kids to DFACS on a regular basis and shuffles between two states to avoid her legal problems and has dragged the kids from unstable boyfriend's apartment to unstable boyfriend's trailer and then blames rock and roll music when her sixteen year old depressed drop out son, who has been smoking pot and drinking for three days in a row decides to off himself he's so depressed has thankfully disappeared, we get this. Non-Medicated Mom: The Burb Version. You know why I don't worry about these things? I do a good job of arming my daughter. She knows about God, we talk freely about religion and what our beliefs are in front of her, we encourage her to have a personal relationship with God. I read Harry Potter to my daughter the first two months of her life.
Lastly, here is a partial list of books that also feature witches/witchcraft that you will also need banned to protect your children's ignorance and continue to make them the laughingstock of people like myself.
The Odyssey
Dracula
The Wizard of Oz
The Jungle Book
Almost everything written by Shakespeare (including but not limited to, Anthony and Cleopatra, King Richard III, Macbeth, The Tragedy of Coriolanous. There are more that mention witchcraft but those are the ones I remember)
The Tempest
Robin Hood
House of Seven Gables
Moby Dick
Ivanhoe
Don Quixote
The Hunchback of Notre Dame (yes, use the French or English title and it still has magic in it)
The Further Adventures of Robinson Crusoe
Essays (The second series??) of Ralph Waldo Emerson
Le Morte D'Arthur
The Hobbit/LOTR Series
The Narnia Chronicles
Pretty much the collective works of Robert Louis Stevenson
The Scarlett Letter
The Witch of Blackbird Pond
Tess of the d'Urbervilles
The Republic
Andersen's Fairy Tale
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow
The Last of Mohicans
Anna Karenina
A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
Thank you, Laura Mallory, for attempting to plnge our children into a nadir of ignorance so black that it's like has not been seen since the educational philosophies of the Industrial Age were upon us.
Oh, and for reminding me why I suck it up and pay tuition for my child to go to private school.
I'm Back
Sorry this post has taken so long. I've been gone. We cruised for my birthday and just got back on Sunday. Had a great time and I recommend the Carnival Miracle to anyone.
First, I've written about sixty NEW new pages to rebuild my manuscript with. I'm going to start the slice and dice process here soon and we'll see if I can build a better mousetrap with it.
Secondly, Howard K. Stearn is not the father of that baby.
Third, last night's Gilmore Girls was of no value. We all knew Lane was pregnant (and by the way were they in Mexico for a month or what). We all get that they're broken up and it's awful and everyone's lives are in ruins. Let's bring on the Gil.
Fourth, LOST premiere. Tonight. Need I say more?
Fifth, BSG premiere on Friday. I"m sure I'll say more but my attentions are needed elsewhere.
First, I've written about sixty NEW new pages to rebuild my manuscript with. I'm going to start the slice and dice process here soon and we'll see if I can build a better mousetrap with it.
Secondly, Howard K. Stearn is not the father of that baby.
Third, last night's Gilmore Girls was of no value. We all knew Lane was pregnant (and by the way were they in Mexico for a month or what). We all get that they're broken up and it's awful and everyone's lives are in ruins. Let's bring on the Gil.
Fourth, LOST premiere. Tonight. Need I say more?
Fifth, BSG premiere on Friday. I"m sure I'll say more but my attentions are needed elsewhere.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Harpies, Part Two
As an experiment I decided to try and write a chapter of a more "traditional" regency for the Avon Fanlit, since this appears to be what the people are crying out for. Thus there was research. I decided that my story would center on the painting The Grand Odelisque (seen above). There is great controversy over who the model exactly is and for what purpose it was painted given the the Romantic and leading into the Orientalism movements were in their infancy at the time. Also, Ingres was by natire a painter of court portraits. All very interesting. Other than the commission was ordered by the Queen Consort (and Napoleon's sister) of Naples at the time. Apparently to hang in complement with a painting he alegedlly did for her of a nude woman sleeping. No one seems to know the whereabouts of that painting. Here is Queen Caroline:
Personally, I think she looks a bit like the painting but is it possible that they used one body and her face? That's the premise of my ridiculous story. By the way Murat went on to paint The Roman Baths and Recling Odelisque with Slave among other famous works, most of which are housed in teh Louvre. Incidentally, poor Caroline never recieved her painting. She had conspired against her brother and fled to what was then a part of Austria with her children to avoid her husband's fate of beheading.
This story has been on the boards less than half an hour and has better scores then my last one has had in a week. I'm so disappointed in women.
Oh, and I thought you might enjoy viewing a ballgown from 1815 as I had no idea wht they looked like myself. Very boring compared to what I had thought. And while this snippet does not describe THIS dress (which resides in the Met) it is from a ladies' fashion peridoical from 1815.
EVENING DRESS.
Dress, of White Satin, tastefully trimmed with Sky Blue Velvet, a handsome Plaiting round the Neck, a Balloon Sleeve, looped up with narrow Blue Velvet; Band, fastened in the front with a Pearl Clasp. Pearl Necklace, Earrings, and Bracelets; long White Gloves; Silk Stockings; and White Satin Shoes, ornamented with silver. The Hair in braids in the front; full curls behind, fastened with a comb, worked with pearls. Admired as this publication has ever been for the taste displayed in the Dresses, yet we have no hesitation in saying that this one, for simplicity and elegance, far exceeds all others we have ever witnessed.
Well, here we go, prepare to be underwhelmed and possibly just ill. Remember that Regency is so not my thing.
Title: The Odalisque
Hook: (I had a very strict 150 character count here so forgive the triteness) His ideal woman exsisted only in an artist's sketch book. Until she stepped out of the pages and into his heart.
Summary of Chapter: His obsession had come to life. She was flesh and blood and beautiful. But could reality live up to fantasy?
When it appeared all intrigue and deception had left her life, a man claims he dreams of her, loves her….but only as The Odalisque. (Yes, I know. Shut up.)
Chapter One (incidentally, all names, locations and the general premise of lady takes Ton by storm, gentleman vows to undo her were all picked by NOT me)
London, Spring 1815
The Duchess of Alderman's Annual Ball
"Did I mention my step-mother was to attend?"
Demian looked at the Earl of Frasier with interest. It was the first interesting thing that had happened all evening at the Duchess of Alderman's ball. The Ton flocked each year because the elderly Duchess held the ear of Prinny and none wanted to run the risk of an insult. It was rumored the Prince Regent himself would appear.
"I'd heard her Ladyship was about and making quite a stir. Whatever did you say to lure her from Sussex? I thought she was rusticating quite happily."
"She was. I'm more than happy to leave her to her hobbies. I certainly have bigger concerns with this dashed Battle we fear approaching. She likes the sea, says the climate is as close to Italy as is available here in gloomy old England. She putters in the garden a great deal and reads."
"Sounds dreadfully boring," the Earl's interest had been momentarily piqued by the idea of a new face amongst The Ton but it waned quickly at the idea of a bookish dowager. His thoughts turned to a feminine figure, lush and ripe with promise, reclining on a bed, having fallen asleep awaiting her lover. Her dark hair-.
"I suppose you are dreaming about your fantasy girl again, seeing as I have been trying to tell you of Isabella for a good five minutes," observed Richard. "Shall you never get her out of your mind? First it was your obsession over the sketch book and now the damn painting. I hear you've emissary has been hounding poor Ingres mercilessly for the identity of the model. There is many a dark haired beauty here tonight, nay in all London who would be more than please to make your fantasies come true.
Damien simply sighed. His friend would truly never understand, he not understanding it himself, the obsession he had begun for the true identity of the model in the sketch book he owned. Last year his Mr. Franks, a most trustworthy and well-connected art dealer, had approached him with what he described as a one of a kind piece that he had been consigned. It's shocking asking price had meant nothing to Damien once he had examined it.
The sketch book was filled with page after page of a woman, in the nude in various reposes. The damnability was that in every sketch her face was blank. Normally not a fan of the new Romantic style, he was surprised when he spent more and more time with the book, studying each line, each curve, each mark.
"Ever so sorry. What about her," he inquired out of boredom. He poured his watery lemonade into a convenient plant and set the fragile cup on a passing server's tray.
"Oh, quite Italian. Intelligent, reads ad writes three languages, plays chess with great skill, wicked sense of humor. Her year of mourning for father has long past sense and I practically had bribe her hear with promises of botanical gardens, boxwood hedges and whatever other plants she cares to see."
"Why so interested?"
"Oh, I'm hoping to marry her off. I'd feel like I had preformed my duty as step-son. I hate to think her alone."
"Very altruistic of you. Well, the Duchess' wig is quite making my eyes water, didn't anyone tell her that fell out of fashion years up on years ago. If you decide to seek solace later in a glass and games, I shall be at Whites." He made for the stairs after bidding goodnight to his hostess and sneezing rather indiscreetly as the powder on her wig.
In truth, despite the early hour he was anxious to get home. Just as he was leaving his newest painting, the "The Valpincon Bather" had arrived. He looked forward to it joining Monsieur Ingres' "Girl after bathing". He was more than anxious to return and compare the subjects to ensure they were the same woman. He had heard of the marvel that was Monsieur's "La Grande Odalisque", unveiled last year at an exhibition at The Paris Salon. The damnable Little Dictator had made it quite impossible for him to personally view it thus he had Mr. Franks send a French painter to copy it brush stroke by brush stroke.
"Ah, there she is. Do wait a moment and be introduced to Isabelle, Damien," his friend asked.
A beauty of the first water had arrived at the top of the stairs. A hush rippled through the ballroom for a second before it begin to buzz in earnest telling who had already met and entertained the mysterious Countess.
She was not young, she was not old. Thirty, guessed Damien. Still considerably younger than her late husband had been and with her inheritance, she would still be considered a prime catch. She was dark, bespeaking her Mediterranean heritage. Olive skinned, black hair, dark eyes. Her figure a bit fuller than those of the English society maven as dictated by the fashion of Italy. Her looks were complemented by the gauzy ivory gown and pearls she wore.
She appeared uncertain at first, then her face breaking into a radiant smile when she saw Richard coming forth. "You told me this was to be a small gathering, Richard. Shame on you," she scolded fondly.
"Sorry, darling, or shall I introduce you as my dear Mother?" He kissed her lightly on the cheek.
"Don't you dare, you saucy pup or I shall thrash you like a
school boy."
"By the way," Richard tossed over his shoulder," Isabella, the Dowager Countess of Frasier, this is my oldest and dearest of intimates, Damien, Earl of Coulter. May I interest you in some perfectly horrid lemonade, Bella?" Richard made to take her arm to lead her to an introduction with the Duchess.
"Would your ladyship do me the honor of this dance," Damien blurted out. So uncharacteristic was his forwardness and clumsy delivery, Richard stopped in his tracks and simply blinked at him.
"I should greet the hostess, I believe. I shall be happy to add you to my dance card for…Oh my." And before she knew it, Isabella was whirling about the dance floor.
# # #
"I know you," the Earl informed her. Neither preamble nor polite chatter with this man. He was staring down at her intensely, as though his dark hair and gray eyes did not make him intense enough.
She smiled easily at him. A woman with nothing to hide. "Have you been to Italy recently, my Lord," she inquired breezily.
"No, not since my Grand Tour in ninety-eight. I do know you," he repeated. Not a question, just fact.
"I have lived in Italy my entire life, Sir. I am sure you've confused me with another. Do not let it trouble you." Perhaps he would let it go now. It would be impolite of him to press further.
"That is where you met Edward's father, is it not? Rome?" H was looking more puzzled by the moment.
"Yes, the English climate did not agree with him in his later years. He took up residence there."
"And we have never-."
"Have you been to Sussex recently," she cut him off. He was like an old dog with a bone. And she did not enjoy feeling the clamp of his muzzle about her.
"No," he replied slowly. He was barely listening now, studying her so relentlessly that she was afraid they were attracting attention.
"I have not left it during my mourning. The dance comes to a close. Perhaps you could return me to Edward?" She went to take his arm, in the process she was forced to shift the slight trail of fabric from her skirt, allowing the back of her neck be exposed to him. Straightening, she took his arm and made to move from the floor.
He stopped and turned to her, she saw him swallowing hard, a bead of perspiration forming on his brow,
"I did not recognize you clothed, your ladyship," he said
in wonder.
She made a hasty exit off the floor. He pursued.
"It is you? The Odalisque? I would never have truly known had I not seen the birth mark on the back of your neck." He reached to touch it and she slapped his hand away with her fan.
"Sir, this is most improper and if you do not desist immediately, I shall inform my son-in-law of your advances." She moved quickly toward the doors to the ladies retiring room. Again he pursued.
"I would not have known your face, but you body, your birthmark, the curve of your neck, they are as distinctive as a snowflake."
"I beg of you to leave me alone, sir. I've developed a headache and must ask Richard to escort me home. Good evening." She turned, almost in tears to hurry away.
"I dream of you every night."
She stopped in her tracks. "I must go," she said quietly, not even turning to face him.
The Odalisque. Here. She must be his in life as she was in portraiture. Richard said he had hoped to make a suitable match during The Season. Damien was quite sure he would be suitable.
Crap, right? But these Regency Women are eating it up with a spoon. Anyway, run along to www.avonfanlit.com, register, scroll through and find me and give me a five please.. You already read the thing so you might as well help me out.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Harpies
Okay. so Monday night I did indeed write up a chapter and put it up on the Avon Fan-Lit board. I'm not a regency reader, I hate heaving bosoms. I hate the word heaving in general and dislike body parts that do so. The closeset I get is Julia Quinn which is not by a LONG shot Regency Regular. So I shot off this amusing and different , in my opinion, little chapter. It was actually an excellent exercise in editing. You had to be no more then 2500 chracters total with spaces for your chapter. A catch line could be no more that a 80. Your synopsis no more than 125 and your chapter teaser? About 250. It was editing hell but I'm glad I did it since it forced me to make some difficult choices. Not saying said choices were the correct ones, but choices were made and scenes were sliced none the less. If anyone would like to wander over with a kind word, it's called Pursued and you can slap a five on there and I will send you an autographed copy of my first book.
Turthfully, I read through a lot of the submission taglines looking for something not heaving and the ones I found and read that were unique and liked and gave good marks to? Are getting slaughtered by the Regency Natzis. If you don't like it, just ignore it. Don't be ugly to each other. These people are viscious.
So if you would like to boost my score or anyone else's, head over. If not, I don't blame you, it's hell over there.
Turthfully, I read through a lot of the submission taglines looking for something not heaving and the ones I found and read that were unique and liked and gave good marks to? Are getting slaughtered by the Regency Natzis. If you don't like it, just ignore it. Don't be ugly to each other. These people are viscious.
So if you would like to boost my score or anyone else's, head over. If not, I don't blame you, it's hell over there.
Friday. Fun.
Sorry, not feeling fun.
Anyway, I wanted to give you all this because it's obsessive but you can only play an hour. You do have to download the demo so it's not ideal for work.
Virtual Villagers Trial
It's a SIM which I think are fun. You have to teach the little buggers everything but they continue to wrok while you are not actively runnign the game. So I started everyone on a task, fruit picking, clearing the rocks from the river, examining herbs, and working on building, oh and sent a few into the huts for nature to take it's course, than I checked back every once in awhile. That wasy I got to play longer and it was so interesting to see what they had done. Fish Tycoon is also like this but moces at a SNAILS PACE. I like dealing with the little people. Warning: it is addictive and you will be tempted to buy it. Sorry.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Sorry for the absence, mea culpa
My apologies, my dears, I have been away from you too long. My deviotion has not lessened, only my time.
I know you all probably kept checking for my big Croc Hunter essay. I tried to write one but...well, are we really surprised by his death? Ironically by one of the most inocuous creatures of the deep. And given that Steve's baliwick was land not sea...well, there you go. I know that Steve and his wife fancied themselves conservationist. And they did a lot of good in many areas. But I have always had a quibble with the WAY they did it. The way they chose to garner the attention (sticking heads in croc mouths, wrestling anacondas, tossing one's self in with tiger sharks) through cheap, dangerous stunts. I works at the zoo for awhile. Here's the truth, a wild animal IS a wild animal. It can/will turn on you. Crocodiles are not housepets, they do not care about you. Boas do not have emotional attachments. The best I can illustrate this was one day when chatting with an elephant keeper as she was wheelbarrowing out about two hundred pounds of elephant shit and had told me she was quitting. "Won't they miss you," I asked. "No," she said. "They will be attached as much as they are to me as to the next person who shows up and feeds them, cleans them, cleans the stalls and scrapes the crap out of their yard. We are not thier friends or family. We don't chat or have coffee together. They're great animals, they're smart, they're resourceful, but they won't notice I'm gone and it's someone new taking this wheelbarrow out." Wild animals are wild. God made them that way for a reason. And God gave us common sense for a reason (although not in equal doses). And hovering around a ray with a six foot wing span and eighteen inch barb who is trying to get away from you during the part of the year where rays are all freaked out about tiger shark attacks anyway? Well, again...it was going to happen sooner than later. My heart goes out to his children, and no, I don't know if it was a doll or his daughter he was dangling there so I make no judgments.
So, it's 9/11. And the news channels and the not news channels and the channels that think they're news but are not are all busy making us relive it. I stood in an office and watched the second plane fly into the tower. I watched people throwing themselves out of the windows because they were so scared to be burned to death. I watched the towers collapse. I used to live in New York. Did you know that? I worked right across the street from the Trade Center. As a matter of fact it was my subway stop and usually before I went to work I sat out in the plaza in the shade of building one and had my coffee. I saw the people who went in and out. I bought the occasional newspaper or cigarettes from the newstand guy next to the subway tunnel. I don't need a movie or a replay of the news coverage to see those people in my mind crushed under a million pounds of rubble without any idea of why or who or how.
I know you all probably kept checking for my big Croc Hunter essay. I tried to write one but...well, are we really surprised by his death? Ironically by one of the most inocuous creatures of the deep. And given that Steve's baliwick was land not sea...well, there you go. I know that Steve and his wife fancied themselves conservationist. And they did a lot of good in many areas. But I have always had a quibble with the WAY they did it. The way they chose to garner the attention (sticking heads in croc mouths, wrestling anacondas, tossing one's self in with tiger sharks) through cheap, dangerous stunts. I works at the zoo for awhile. Here's the truth, a wild animal IS a wild animal. It can/will turn on you. Crocodiles are not housepets, they do not care about you. Boas do not have emotional attachments. The best I can illustrate this was one day when chatting with an elephant keeper as she was wheelbarrowing out about two hundred pounds of elephant shit and had told me she was quitting. "Won't they miss you," I asked. "No," she said. "They will be attached as much as they are to me as to the next person who shows up and feeds them, cleans them, cleans the stalls and scrapes the crap out of their yard. We are not thier friends or family. We don't chat or have coffee together. They're great animals, they're smart, they're resourceful, but they won't notice I'm gone and it's someone new taking this wheelbarrow out." Wild animals are wild. God made them that way for a reason. And God gave us common sense for a reason (although not in equal doses). And hovering around a ray with a six foot wing span and eighteen inch barb who is trying to get away from you during the part of the year where rays are all freaked out about tiger shark attacks anyway? Well, again...it was going to happen sooner than later. My heart goes out to his children, and no, I don't know if it was a doll or his daughter he was dangling there so I make no judgments.
So, it's 9/11. And the news channels and the not news channels and the channels that think they're news but are not are all busy making us relive it. I stood in an office and watched the second plane fly into the tower. I watched people throwing themselves out of the windows because they were so scared to be burned to death. I watched the towers collapse. I used to live in New York. Did you know that? I worked right across the street from the Trade Center. As a matter of fact it was my subway stop and usually before I went to work I sat out in the plaza in the shade of building one and had my coffee. I saw the people who went in and out. I bought the occasional newspaper or cigarettes from the newstand guy next to the subway tunnel. I don't need a movie or a replay of the news coverage to see those people in my mind crushed under a million pounds of rubble without any idea of why or who or how.
Friday, September 01, 2006
The Basics
It seems there are a number of aspiring writers out there who haven't the least CLUE about RWA or anything else about actually being published. Fear not, I am here to help make sure your manuscript does not immediately meet the roundfile.
First the super basic: www.rwanational.org Home page for Romance Writer's Association. The mother of all romance/women's fic. Belonging is the one of the first steps to being taken seriously by agents/publishers.
Now: Format. This should be standard stuff but often people do not know. White paper, 1 inch margins all around. 12 pt. Courier New or Times font. Black ink. Your name and title of work should appear on each page in the left hand corner as a header, the right should have page numbers.
Example:
B. Smith/Generic Manuscript 1
Then jump down about a third and start off with a big ol' Chapter One. Now, some of you have prologues. You consider them more important thatn life and would rather sacrifice an arm then remove them. Get your saw out. Loose it. People want to be in this story RIGHT THEN not wandering around in the past/future.
Third: New Scene, Head hopping, Tense
If you have a new scene in a chapter use # as the divider, don;t try anything cutesy. Example:
Bob's horse stopped short throwing Bob off a cliff and to a bone shattering death. Poor Bob.
# # #
Meanwhile back at the ranch...
Got it?
Headhopping? Unless you're Nora Roberts then, no. Just no. It's bad formatting and just bad storytelling. Bob should have his own paragraph.
Tense, let's be consistent here. While mishmashing first and third person may seem edgy. It's not.
Now, exposition. The down fall of most writers, the damn exposition fairy comes and whacks the shit out of you with her wand. And suddenly you have characters staring out at landscapes and remembering childhood trauma or lost loves or the LONG LONG story of how they lost their car keys that hilarious time in Modesto. Stop that. It's boring. Here is THE RULE: SHOW DON'T TELL. Move those people around, interact them, tell me what's going on.
Don't have a cute email address when applying to an editor/agent. They have told me time and again that anyone with an email address like "BoBoFooDog1" or "KittySnuggles" doesn't get much respect. I set up an email address that is ONLY on my business cards for agents and editors.
Go to sites and join organizations and web boards that can help you. RWA has many special interest chapters. Go look. Romance Times has a great website. Publisher's Marketplace. Predators and Editors. Publishing houses and Agents blogs/websites. Other writer's websites. Don't be afriad to email your favorite author and just say hi, I love your work. Often they're looking for a reason to procrastinate and email is the answer. Mary Janice Davidson and I got in a multi email discussion once about TWOP. Read Miss Snark. Check out Jenny Crusie's Cherrys.
Contest: Meh. I recommend the Golden Heart if you are going to do one. You prepay and there is a very strict deadline. So you feel pressured to meet it. Just like real life. Keep in mind that contest results are often wildly skewed based on the reader. If you do enter other contest look for things that offer your category. And your weakest points. I write a great cover letter so I need not enter a coverletter contest. I don't need validation. But my synopsis are awful. So a synopsis contest might be useful. Also, keep in mind that these are just four or five random people's opinions.
Time to send out that manuscript? I'll just print out all four hundred pages and ship it right out. NONONO! Don't you dare. First, find your targets. Where does your book fit? Is it category? Is it mystery? Find who and what handles your sort of stuff. Now take a look at their "Submission" page. They all have one but you may have to look closely. Some will tell you they do not except unagented material. Fine, get back to them when you have an agent. Now, unless stated otherwise, send your query letter and ONLY your query letter in whatever form they wish. SOme will ask for partials right off tha bat. If that's true than by all means do it. Each publisher/agent will tell you EXACTLY how to package things. LISTEN TO THEM, otherwise? Round File.
Other questions? No. Get back to me if you have any. Hope this helps some of you.
First the super basic: www.rwanational.org Home page for Romance Writer's Association. The mother of all romance/women's fic. Belonging is the one of the first steps to being taken seriously by agents/publishers.
Now: Format. This should be standard stuff but often people do not know. White paper, 1 inch margins all around. 12 pt. Courier New or Times font. Black ink. Your name and title of work should appear on each page in the left hand corner as a header, the right should have page numbers.
Example:
B. Smith/Generic Manuscript 1
Then jump down about a third and start off with a big ol' Chapter One. Now, some of you have prologues. You consider them more important thatn life and would rather sacrifice an arm then remove them. Get your saw out. Loose it. People want to be in this story RIGHT THEN not wandering around in the past/future.
Third: New Scene, Head hopping, Tense
If you have a new scene in a chapter use # as the divider, don;t try anything cutesy. Example:
Bob's horse stopped short throwing Bob off a cliff and to a bone shattering death. Poor Bob.
# # #
Meanwhile back at the ranch...
Got it?
Headhopping? Unless you're Nora Roberts then, no. Just no. It's bad formatting and just bad storytelling. Bob should have his own paragraph.
Tense, let's be consistent here. While mishmashing first and third person may seem edgy. It's not.
Now, exposition. The down fall of most writers, the damn exposition fairy comes and whacks the shit out of you with her wand. And suddenly you have characters staring out at landscapes and remembering childhood trauma or lost loves or the LONG LONG story of how they lost their car keys that hilarious time in Modesto. Stop that. It's boring. Here is THE RULE: SHOW DON'T TELL. Move those people around, interact them, tell me what's going on.
Don't have a cute email address when applying to an editor/agent. They have told me time and again that anyone with an email address like "BoBoFooDog1" or "KittySnuggles" doesn't get much respect. I set up an email address that is ONLY on my business cards for agents and editors.
Go to sites and join organizations and web boards that can help you. RWA has many special interest chapters. Go look. Romance Times has a great website. Publisher's Marketplace. Predators and Editors. Publishing houses and Agents blogs/websites. Other writer's websites. Don't be afriad to email your favorite author and just say hi, I love your work. Often they're looking for a reason to procrastinate and email is the answer. Mary Janice Davidson and I got in a multi email discussion once about TWOP. Read Miss Snark. Check out Jenny Crusie's Cherrys.
Contest: Meh. I recommend the Golden Heart if you are going to do one. You prepay and there is a very strict deadline. So you feel pressured to meet it. Just like real life. Keep in mind that contest results are often wildly skewed based on the reader. If you do enter other contest look for things that offer your category. And your weakest points. I write a great cover letter so I need not enter a coverletter contest. I don't need validation. But my synopsis are awful. So a synopsis contest might be useful. Also, keep in mind that these are just four or five random people's opinions.
Time to send out that manuscript? I'll just print out all four hundred pages and ship it right out. NONONO! Don't you dare. First, find your targets. Where does your book fit? Is it category? Is it mystery? Find who and what handles your sort of stuff. Now take a look at their "Submission" page. They all have one but you may have to look closely. Some will tell you they do not except unagented material. Fine, get back to them when you have an agent. Now, unless stated otherwise, send your query letter and ONLY your query letter in whatever form they wish. SOme will ask for partials right off tha bat. If that's true than by all means do it. Each publisher/agent will tell you EXACTLY how to package things. LISTEN TO THEM, otherwise? Round File.
Other questions? No. Get back to me if you have any. Hope this helps some of you.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Hmmmm...could be good news, could be a trap
I recently read a book published by Forge which was in my "goody bag" from Nationals. We get these awesome bags chock full of books either not released yet or authors the publishing houses are pushing. Most of them were NOT my thing, lots of paranormal and some erotica. A few were Regency and I did read those and I thought that the The Secret Pearl by Mary Balough was terrific and I found myself sort of welling up at one point.
Anywho, one of the books was a contemporary and it's...mediocre at best (no names) so I wanted to know who published it and it was Forge so I went to the website. Now, they are a publisher actually called Tor/Forge. Tor publishes a very extensive and well-known line of sci-fi, fantasy and Forge is their mainstream brand. There I found this:
Thursday, March 17: Tor/Forge is now actively seeking chick lit. Download a PDF of the guidelines here.
Here are said Guidelines:
Tom Doherty Associates, LLC
Tor/Forge is actively seeking chick lit submissions.
All submissions should follow these guidelines and be addressed to:
Natasha Panza, Tor Editorial
Tom Doherty Associates, LLC
175 Fifth Avenue, 14th Floor
New York, NY 10010
Our definition of chick lit is slightly different from that of other publishers. We are not looking for the standard New York City/L.A. shopping/complaining/sex novels, but rather somewhat humorous, romantic and/or sexy novels about protagonists in their mid twenties through late thirties who are doing interesting things and lead interesting lives with whom readers can relate and sympathize.
These novels may have paranormal elements, but we are not looking exclusively for paranormal chick lit.
Submissions should be 75,000 - 110,000 words.
These books will most likely be done first in trade paperback, and then in mass market. However, we reserve the right to publish these books as we see fit; we will be publishing them just like all our other books -- that is, in a manner in which we can expect them to sell the highest possible quantities.
Unagented Authors:
Proposals should contain the first three chapters, a 2-3 page synopsis, and a cover letter.
Previously unpublished authors (or authors who have only published in category romance) must have a completed manuscript.
Previously published authors who are unagented may submit a proposal and a copy of one of their previous books.
Authors with agents:
Please have your agent call Natasha Panza at 646-307-5497 to discuss the project prior to submission.
Do not send query letters, proposals by fax, or proposals by email.
Such submissions will not be considered.
Anywho, one of the books was a contemporary and it's...mediocre at best (no names) so I wanted to know who published it and it was Forge so I went to the website. Now, they are a publisher actually called Tor/Forge. Tor publishes a very extensive and well-known line of sci-fi, fantasy and Forge is their mainstream brand. There I found this:
Thursday, March 17: Tor/Forge is now actively seeking chick lit. Download a PDF of the guidelines here.
Here are said Guidelines:
Tom Doherty Associates, LLC
Tor/Forge is actively seeking chick lit submissions.
All submissions should follow these guidelines and be addressed to:
Natasha Panza, Tor Editorial
Tom Doherty Associates, LLC
175 Fifth Avenue, 14th Floor
New York, NY 10010
Our definition of chick lit is slightly different from that of other publishers. We are not looking for the standard New York City/L.A. shopping/complaining/sex novels, but rather somewhat humorous, romantic and/or sexy novels about protagonists in their mid twenties through late thirties who are doing interesting things and lead interesting lives with whom readers can relate and sympathize.
These novels may have paranormal elements, but we are not looking exclusively for paranormal chick lit.
Submissions should be 75,000 - 110,000 words.
These books will most likely be done first in trade paperback, and then in mass market. However, we reserve the right to publish these books as we see fit; we will be publishing them just like all our other books -- that is, in a manner in which we can expect them to sell the highest possible quantities.
Unagented Authors:
Proposals should contain the first three chapters, a 2-3 page synopsis, and a cover letter.
Previously unpublished authors (or authors who have only published in category romance) must have a completed manuscript.
Previously published authors who are unagented may submit a proposal and a copy of one of their previous books.
Authors with agents:
Please have your agent call Natasha Panza at 646-307-5497 to discuss the project prior to submission.
Do not send query letters, proposals by fax, or proposals by email.
Such submissions will not be considered.
So I figure it's one of two things: They Do want to see some chick-lit (of a different feather) or they're just out to mock us as most agents are at this point (no names).
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