Easter

Many years ago the in 1 A.D. several merchants met in a secret Roman Bath House and put together a plan...

Hallmarkus: Hey, you guys remember that dude they killed in Calvary last year?

Hickorius: The guy who started that whole washing in the Jordan thing? Apparently insanity runs in that family. You know the guy who did that was a total nutcase. Joe? Jeff? John?

Bracho: I loved that guys work! You should have seen Caesar. All downfall this and damnation that. Let's kill a bunch of kids! What a hoot!

Cadburian: I read they think he rose up from the dead like three days later. Those crazy Jews! Too much Manischewitz wine. Hey, Hallmarkus, your towels slipping there.

Hickorius: Geez, dude, cover that up. We're going to get some sort of reputation for going to these places. Anyway, I heard a bunch of that guy's friends...what was his name?

Cadburian: Emmanuel?

Bracho: No, no. It was like Lamda or Lambius...

Hallmarkus: They called him Lamb of God! Don't you guys read the Jerusalem Post or the Roman Tattler or what? The manager of my tablet shop in Calvary couldn't shut up about it.

Bracho: Whatever. What's your point? I'd rather talk about gladiators. Did you see Adulus last week? I love him.

Hickorus: Hey, stop talking like that. You're making me uncomfortable being naked and sweaty with you. Anyway, I hear a bunch of his folks are meeting up for some sort of big do.

Cadburian: And? The Jews are always celebrating. Why? I have no idea. Maybe we should tax them more. Hey anyone been to the new vomitorium that just opened on Chariot and Portia?

Hickorus: Well I was thinking there might be some way for us to, I don't know...Capitalize on this.

Cadburian: Hmmmm, trade on the most grievous event in the history of the world thus far? It is after all the Roman way. I like it. What's your plan? T-shirts? Shot glasses? I'm trying to put together enough to retire in Greece. That Nero weirds me out. I want out of Rome before he takes the throne and...well, I'm not sure but let's just say that I think his parents being brother and sister may not have been such a hot idea.

Hickorus: Well, after consulting with my Quorum of Directors, we at Hickorus Farms have
decided that there is no better way to celebrate the resurrection of Christ then with a ham.

Brachus: A ham? And for your information my wife is my sister and my kids are fine!

Hickorus: Your kids are crossed eyed. As I was saying, spiral cut, tender, succulent ham. People will wait in line for hours to get one.

Brachus: Exactly the same as for Adulus.

Cadburian: Ummm, sure. Did it escape your notice that most of these people are JEWISH? They're not going to touch a ham.

Hickorus: Don't be silly. Our brilliant ad campaign will wear them down eventually. Ham-It's not just for the Unclean anymore. What do you think?

Hallmarkus: Not bad. Hey, maybe we could start some sort of fad where they have the whole extended family over and snipe at each other for several hours each eventually going home to bitch about the other people until the next holiday. That would show them! How do we get a piece of the action?

Hickorus: Well, I was thinking you are a provider of writing tablets. What if you etched something nice on them, some stupid sloppy sentiment, and sold them for people to give to each other.

Hallmarkus: And they would say....

Cadburian: Sorry we tortured and killed your Savior? Not.

Hallmarkus: No...you know what we need? We need a mascot. A guy dieing on a cross with a crown of thorns isn't going to put anyone in the mood to spend money. They'll all think it's inappropriate and go to Temple and wail and cover themselves in sack cloth. They're such drama queens.

Brachus: How about a tiger? Adulus fought one the other night.

Cadburian: No. It needs to be something cute and fuzzy so the kids will beg to have one and then discard it like four hours later.

Brachus: A ferret?

Hallmarkus: I have it! A rabbit! Like a little one. A bunny! That's it! A bunny. It can be a magic bunny that goes around and leaves them baskets of crap. Parents will be forced to spend their hard earned lira on ham and tablets and...Hey, Brachus, doesn't your family make something sweet?

Brachus: Yeah! We could fill those baskets with sweets that would rot out the little rug rats teeth! My brother is a barber so he totally would make a fortune pulling teeth. He's thinking of specializing. He worked on Adulus last month.

Hallmarkus: Dude, did not. I've been to your brother and I think his parents were brother and sister too. So back to the baskets...

Cadburian: We've totally been experimenting in something called cacao over at my factory. The slaves might be able to make it into bunny shapes. I could try beating them until they do. You know what would be easier? Eggs. Can we tie in eggs?

Hallmarkus: Eggs? Bunnies don't lay eggs. Oh! I got it! Chicks! Little bitty fuzzy ones. You know before they grow up and get nasty.

Brachus: Yeah. I've been working on this gooey white stuff. I wonder if I could mold it into something like that. It's pretty disgusting and no one is buying so we have a huge pile of it. Not too many repeat customers for it. Once they taste it we don't usually here another peep out of them. What to call it?

Hallmarkus: So we're agreed. I'll do hams, Hallmarkus is going to craft some cutesy, dippy tablets, Brachus you're going to make something out of goo and Cadburian, you're going to handle making something out of eggs and possibly bunnies. I think that we have formulated an excellent way to suck those folks in. Well, I'm starting to prune so I'm off to the pool. Hey, I think I'm going to have my litter carried over to my brother-in-laws later. His toga business has been off especially in the children's sizes. I bet he could whip up some absurdly over-priced and uncomfortable things that we'll convince parents the kids have to wear to Temple or they'll be talked about. Hoo! This is gonna be fun!

(and before I get three hundred emails telling me I'm all prejudice, I'm not. I'm making fun of the bizarre retail that has sprung up around Easter. I spent my morning dying eggs with my two year old and I have no idea why we did it. We bought her a bunny at Borders last weekend. Why? I've spent about thirty dollars buying crap for a basket I have to put out in the middle of the night like it was left there by a giant rabbit. This makes no sense unless it was all a conspiracy that someone thought up at some point.)