Gilmore Gack

Open Letter to David S. Rosenthal, Executive Producer Gilmore Girls

Dear Mr. Rosenthal,

First, let me send out my condolences on the huge mess that you were left when the Palladinos decamped. It's estimated that last season over 1.3 million viewers lost interest in the GGs and went on to other things that held more interest, like alphabetizing thier spice rack. They wrote every character into a corner so dark, it would take a supernova like force of writers, producers, directors and actors to get this show on the road again and win back your fans.

Sadly, I don't think you're the man for the job.

First, do you guys have a big board that you write what happens from show to show on? Or an intern who can do this job? Your continuity has been bad. It was bad before, it's always been bad but we're to the point of nonsensical now. I mean really. How much time does it take to jot down "Chris' parents despise the Gilmores and said awful things about Rory and were ban from the Gilmore Manse and Chris' mom can't possibly be happy about this turn of events". That took two seconds. Or how does this grab you "Luke went to take care of the Renaissance Fair Booth for TJ and his sister and left the diner way longer than two weeks but you keep bringing up that he's leaving for TWO WHOLE WEEKS on this stupid April Tour"? Does that sound familiar in some way? Intern, check on that. If you can't remember what happened the last six seasons then you could buy them (they have been released you know and I saw last seasons in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart which it so richly deserved to be), Netflix the DVDs or just run over to TWOP and read the recaps. Also, check in with the nitpicker board they will be happy to tell you about continuity.

Secondly, Christopher and Lorelei? Oh, Honey, No. Just no. Let's talk about Chris a moment. And if you've got that intern with the dry erase marker handy, you may want to have him take notes. The first time we met Chris he zoomed into Stars Hollow on a motorcycle, spent the night on the couch, tried to buy Rory a dictionary but his credit card was declined since he had no money due to UNEMPLOYMENT which was apparently (per the show) a constant state. He then sporadically reappears from here there and everywhere as a plot device that smells to high heaven. Is there a folder that you found in Amy's desk that said "If run out of ideas, here's stuff to stick in". Actually, that folder HAS to be empty by now. Anyway, he gets ANOTHER woman pregnant (Are you emmulating some sort of Brtney/K-Fed story line because that has NOT WORKED OUT WELL), cheats on her with Lorelei, runs off to marry her, gets a job, gets left, is a shitty father to Gigi, wanders in and out of his older daughter's life like he has ADD and eventually ends up at Richard and Emily's renewal party drunk and making a scene. Then he suddenly inherits a ton of money (whatever) and he's dad of the year and somehow irresistable to Lorelei. This all conviently happens when she is finally, FINALLY happy with Luke as we, the viewing public who you have ignored, are as well. And now? All is forgiven, everyone is thrilled, the past is...ignored? Forgotten? Getting in the way of your lazy writing?

And the Luke thing? Oh Dear God! Was there a napkin from Wolfgang Pucks that had "overheard writer's from General Hospital talking about illegitimate baby plot device to break up happy couple. Sounds good!" in Amy's handwriting. Did it look as though she had been drinking a few lunch martinis when she wrote it? Because that can be the only explanation for not only taking a beloved character and turning him into something that resembles the boss on The Simpsons in manner and a homeless vet in dress. Luke has nice clothes, Lorelei BOUGHT them for him and in the wonderful season finale two years ago, he was wearing them. Yes, we get that the Nirvana look is his trademark but this isn't a Scooby Doo cartoon and everyone is entitled to a change of clothes.

Now, let's talk April. I hate to. But this needs to be addressed ASAP. And I'm bringing down the hammer. Why? Was there need for this? And why was it written so poorly? Or at all? Is she your illegit daughter or something? And are we to believe that Luke has taken the word of a girl doing a science project that he is her father? But Anna confirmed you cry! Well, since he was one of THREE POSSIBILITIES that seems like less than reliable info. I personally hope that CHRIS turns out to be the father since that matches everyone's track record and would be...funny. The whole thing was not worthy of this program and insulting to us, the viewers (or all six of them left). But he needed time to adjust to this news, you say. What did he do with that time? Did he build her a room in the newly designed Better Gilmore Home and Gardens? Did he plan a spring break trip with his "daughter" and his family to be? Did her intriduce his family? DId he set ground rules with Anna about his new family? Did he do anything but lie and sneak around? No. And how did he introduce Rory at the book store opening? I don't want to talk about it. But I figured out right then that things were not going to work well. Just know that I hate it! Hate it! HATE IT! We've all read the scuttlebutt that Lauren Graham and Scott Patterson do not like each other. And that's fine. But being ACTORS it looks like they could summon up more chemistry than one gets from watching mulch interact with water. I don't know what happen to spark this feud but get it taken care of. A long weekend locked in a suite at the Venetian with copious bottles of champagne may do it, and hey, what happens in Vegas...may give you a better show.

And Lane? If she's freaked out about being pregnant shouldn't she consult the one person she knew who faced pregnancy at a very young age and did a great job with? Hey, intern, get the red marker out. That person would be Lorelei Gilmore!

Lorelei used to be strong, independant, funny, self-reliant. Now she's...a doormat. Actually she's not even a good doormat. She's the doormat you toss at the backdoor after it got all faded and yucky up front. You've turned her into Katie Holmes. Nice going. Maybe Chris could jump on a couch and start dispensing medical advice.

And now we heard the spoiler that L and C are getting married. Screw you. Why? Who are these people who want this? The six viewers left? Did someone write you and ask for this? Was it your mothers dieing wish? I know this was supposed to be the last season and then you were all like NO, we've got miles ahead of us but...I think not. The only way I'm seeing you pacify and lure us back to you is if after the holiday break you flip us two years into the future a la BSG and Lorelei and Chris have been divorced, she's a new woman (or the original one we loved), Luke has hit up a sale at Nordstroms and gone back to reading the self help relationship guides and you can cement her and Luke together in a functional relationship. And by that I mean, without more run out of idea plot devices that are thinner than Kate Bosworth. Or alternatively, I guess Luke could step out of the shower and the whole thing could have been a dream on her part. Hey, as long as you're not coming up with original ideas...I'm just saying.

Rory and Logan? Meh. It's okay with me. Really. He's probably the most sustainable relationship she's had so I'm good with it although this London thing was silly and I'm glad you're over it. It's filler at this point. And at least it's SOME romance.

So let me give you some tips:
Dump Chris or kill him or whatever needs to be done
More Sookie, Michele, Mama Kim and Gil (please more Gil)
Less Stupid Lorelei
More Handsome, Charming if slightly surly Luke without that too small army jacket
April finds out she's not his daughter when they go to an actual DNA testing lab
Anna finds out about birth control
Chris finds out about birth control and begins a rap career that eventually ends in death when an enraged fans pelt him with beer bottles
Lane and Zack get their crap together for this baby
Rory and Logan...do whatever
The senior Gilmores...remember that Chris is a dumbass and they hate his mother and he was the worst father ever for like eighteen years and they are gaining yet another grandchild.
The chuppah! Remember it? We did. And we could not figure out for the life of us why she would want to get married in a CHURCH.
Attend a baby christening before you write another one since? Bad. Clearly the Palladino's were Scientologist
Did I mention more Gil and Mama Kim?

So, I give you one more chance. Here's the deal, I won't watch anything until after the break and you get your intern to fact checking so you can fix some things and we'll meet back on Tuesdays. And I'll even bring a friend.

Apparently the only person who will tell you the truth,
Novelchick