Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Johnny Depp. I get it. Finally.


Well, everyone and their brother has a blog review up of Deadman's Chest. My husband and I went to see it last night since he claimed his head would explode if we didn't. I'm not reviewing because I liked it and that's pretty much my review. I will throw out the following points:

-Bill Nighy is so awesome. What can't this man do?

-Rampant Kracken overuse combined with sketchy blue screen in some places.

-Undead monkey? HA!

-Errol Flynnesque fight scenes? YEAH.

But what I really want to talk about is Johnny Depp. I know, lately that's all anyone wants to talk about. I never watched 21 Jump Street. I never got Johnny Depp and let me tell you why. Out of his film biography below I have highlighted the movies I have seen him in in red.

Clearly, not some of his finest moments. I believe until we get up to 1999 nothing good is going on here (and plant the The Ninth Gate flag firmly on the NOTHING side). Or at least not for me.

Then Sleepy Hollow rode into town. And it was good and I realized Johnny Depp didn't suck as badly as the other movies had led me to believe. He was cute and funny and sort of cartoony but not in that Jim Carrey scary clownlike way.

Then out of nowhere 2000 hit me in the gut with Chocolat and I've never looked at a European drifter in a small French town quite the same. Even though he wasn't even in that many scenes he made them wonderful. He was...yeah. I totally got IT. Johnny Depp had IT. And IT is good. (funny, I just realized that I only really get him if he's a sailor).

Then Blow came along and it all went to hell. How many times can they make this movie? And how many people can they get to agree to be in it. Maybe since he lives in France he was unaware that this was like the fifth version of this? And none of them were any good.

And then we sailed into Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh sure, how good could a movie based on a thirty year old ride at Disneyworld be? Answer-great. Clearly he stole the show. Every scene he was in he just took it and made it his bitch. And while his character in that movie got portrayed somewhere between sexually ambiguous and flat out gay, I got it. IT was upon us again.

Then Secret Window came along and it all went to hell. Again. And I may never look at corn the same. Thanks.

And now we are back on the Black Pearl with the wind in our hair and Jack Sparrow at our side. He's got IT back. Although perhaps they've overused IT in this movie a tad. And this time? He's not ambiguous AT ALL this cruise. He's flirty and dirty and just the bad boy that a girl (not me but I've heard of women like this) at a certain age finds irresistable. You wouldn't think that a dirty pirate over ORLANDO BLOOM would be a big quandry but it's always the question for a young girl. For every perfect boy you can take home to Mom and Dad there's...the one Mom and Dad must NEVER know about. And before things like "will he be a good parent and are his parent's likely to be evicted and need to move in with us and do deer heads detract from the decor or am I just being picky and what is up with the dirty underwear everywhere and can I get in a Monster Truck when I'm like eighty and can he hold a job for more than minimum wage for more the three day" enters the picture, he's the one that's got IT.

I think that Jack Sparrow works the same way the Phantom worked. Even though you knew in your heart that you could never really live in an underground tunnel system with a crazy man with half a face, you wished for one split second that...you could. That's what made Phantom unforgettable and I think that's why Jack Sparrow works. One could never really live on a pirate ship with a man who wears sticks in his hair (what IS that thing), would constantly be snitching your eyeliner, never bathed and stayed drunk all the time (although I have friends who are in this exact marriage minus the boat). But I think all women heave the tiniest sigh when they think about sailing away into the sunset with the swashbuckling Jack Sparrow. Even with the eyeliner.

Well, Bon Voyage, Jack! I'm glad you dropped in to toss a little bad for us boy our way. We'll see you in May 2007 at World's End. Thanks for the sigh.

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