O.C.D...S.U.C.K.S.

Yes, I know it's been awhile. Sorry about that. And yes, I know I missed Friday fun, a few of you emailed me. I apologize and will try to come up with something good for this week.

The thing is that my medication has stopped working. It was a very subtle backslide and then WHAM! Crazy. I'm severely bi-polar. Have I metioned that? Anyway, I am. But I take medication, I have for years that keeps me on an even keel most of the time. I'm always a little off under extreme stress or when I get over-tired. Anyway, the thing is, I'm used to the not sleeping, the not eating, the not being able to concentrate or sit down or get out of bed (irony=can't sleep, can't get out of bed). But this time I had a whole new dimension of crazy. I'm also OCD. I get this from my mother. She is like a card carrying OCDer. I've always been mildly possessed of it. It was more a tic that reared it's every hair in place head when I am under copious stress that has built up and I have to relieve it by doing something odd. Awhile back this happened and I went in the kitchen and told my husband that I had to clip the coupons. I told him like fourteen times in a row and wasn't able to stop saying it. The other day we went out to eat. I got up and got straw after straw. There are only three of us. I couldn't stop getting straws.
Newspapers are no longer allowed in our house. They're contaminated. If I touch one I have to take a shower. I've started washing my face with scouring dish rags because it's contaminated and that cleans it best. I have a fear that the piles are taking over and will eventually consume me. They are taking my sanity and I think that it's evil. Now, I'm an intelligent person, I know THAT NONE OF THAT IS TRUE. But it doesn't mean I can shake it. That's what OCD is. Doing bizarre things that you know are weird but being unable to stop. I've specifically avoided putting things in my home with fringe on them for years. I don't go down narrow stairs. They aren't phobias, they're irrational actions. My trigger seems to be disorganization. Which my house has PLENTY OF. When things are out of place or piled up I can't seem to think clearly. This is not a good thing when you have a two year old. I'm better at work because over the last three and a half years I have assigned everything a place and a method. It all makes sense and everyone knows how and what to do. I like going to Charlotte's school. It's very organized and clean and everyone knows what to do and how to do it. My house is a nightmare. I hate going to my house. I often sit in the drive-way at night and fantasize about not going in. Just driving off to..Ikea and moving in. Oh how I dream about those clean Swedish lines, the abscence of frou frou knick knacks, the linear beauty of order and simplicity and baskets and shelves. And then I go in. It's like being held underwater anytime I try and spend time in my house. I can't breathe, I can't think . All I can do is try and concentrate on getting from one task to another. I keep saying that it needs to be organized. Everything needs to be in it's place. What I mean is, I want everything gone that isn't necessary or beautiful and everything that stays MUST be in it's place and findable immediately and orderly. Seriously, how is it thatI have such a hard time with this? If your offices were like this you would never get anything done. My garage is so bad that I lost a cat in there the other day. It's actually to the point where after I go in the garage to turn on the sprinklers that I have to go lay down in the bed to try and calm down. Everything is out of control! Everything! What should I do, oh blog readers? I thought of hiring a professional organizer but that's not the problem. I can organize like no ones business. It' s the use and maintanence of these systems that fall apart. So what can I do? Fortunately, my beloved doctor Emory Women's Mental Health Program called me and we discussed and he called me in some meds to take the edge off. I watch Martha Stewart and read her mags and I am in awe of her self discipline in this area. And yes, she has four thousand assistans but long before she was that Martha she was Martha who ran her own house and business. I have the Fly Lady book and I love it but I can't seem to get this methods in place and get everyone on the same page. I know what needs to be done. I do. But I can't seem to get there from here. So if you're reading this and you have any vauge idea what I'm talking about, pray for me that I can either be drugged into ignoring it or that I can find a way to fix it.