I don't need anything! Don't Buy Me A Thing!

I hate these words.

Well, now that we've all navigated our way through Thanksgiving or as I like to call it "Dysfunctional Dinner Of Weird Menu Items and a Chance To Make Snarky Remarks To Other Family Members" and come out the other side, it's time to do the shopping to honor the birth of Christ.

What is this about? Seriously. If you've ever read Laura I. Wilder (and if you haven't, get thee to Amazon and order the boxed sets), those kids were thrilled with oranges. Where did we go wrong? The last three years or so my shopping strategy has been simple: Stay the hell out of retail stores. If it didn't come by UPS last year, it was not given. This way my family has managed to stay healthy during the holidays and I don't have to resist the urge to rev the Corolla up to top speed (70) and ram it into the back of Suburban Momster's Yukon who bought an SUV for no reason and can't park it worth a crap and then added insult to injury by stealing the parking place I have patiently been waiting on for ten minutes with my blinker on. You don't get road rage on the internet. And I can shop in my jams at two in the morning should I so desire. And often, I do. Although questionable gift choices have arisen from such a practice in the past.

So after years of finally honing my skills here is what not to give the "Don't Buy Me A Thing" Person, who will passive agressively remind you every chance they get until one of you is DEAD (and might possibly mention it in their will) that you indeed, did not buy them ANYTHING, per their request.

A Year of anything.
This includes but is not limited to:
Fruit
Flowers
Books
Chocolate
Steaks
Any sort of dairy or meat product such as the likes of which come from Hillshire Farm or whatever and this includes free range turkeys from Williams Sonoma.

I tried this once and it was just a big freakin' disaster with the fruit recpients practically setting up a rogue fruitstand on the side of I-285 to get rid of excess citrus. See who they come crying to when they get scurvy.

Clothes. Just don't bother. They won't wear them but will feel guilty about giving them to Goodwill and eventually five years later when they forget who gave them to them in the first place, will ask you if you want them. This is my mother's forte. I can not tell you how many nice, flattering clothes I have bought her in the past that I find a) hidden still in original wrappings in storage cloests in the basement or b) hanging in the closet with tags still on. It's not worth the heartbreak of sifting through the Coldwater Creek or Chico's catalog for like three days and trying to get an opinion out of your spouse as to whether your godmother would like a Tuscan Beaded Pashmina or a Citron Cashmere Sweater. If you MUST go this route? Buy something you'll like to wear next year.

Anything you looked at and said "She'll/He'll LOVE it!" with glee and enthusiasm. No they won't. If you think it's the perfect gift, they'll wonder what the hell you were thinking. It's the Murphy's Law of Gift Giving. And the older the giftee the less likely they are to try and cover up their disdain for said gift. The best stratagem is buy what you really, really don't want. Often this takes the form of a cardigan sweater with sleigh bells and a Rudolph sewn on it with a nose that actually lights up and the matchy earrings that look like gingerbread houses. Seriously. Try something with gold lame when all else fails like those gold bedroom slippers at Wal-Mart that havbe been a staple in old lady households for like 40 years.

Anything "so beautiful". If this is your opinion then it's probably too nice. Let's face it, there are "savers" in this world who will go to their death bed never having lit the $32 aromatic candle from France that you had to sneak through customs in your bra because it had some weird French Tallow in it that was banned in America in 1992 that is their all time favorite fragrance and has sat on the mantle for 19 plus years because they were waiting for a special occasion to use it. I'm not sure what "special occasion" consists of. Weddings? Funerals? Births? Parties? What is special enough to flick the Bick and fire that bad boy up? So nice candles, Venetian glass, Austrian tablecloths, Godiva candy, lovely beaded handbags, aprons from France, cookware from Italy, jewelry purchased in any foreign country or that comes in a sky blue box and gourmet coffee or a good bottle of wine? Probably will revert back to you when grandma passes on and you clean out the house. Occasionally you get a person like those here at Novelchick HQ who are all joi d'vie and will rip right into these things figuring there are more out there somewhere should we use this one up and wish to acquire another, but we're a rare breed here.

This whole matter is complicated by people who really do have every damn thing in the world. I've been known to write the name of potential gifts and toss them all in a hat and pull them out at random buying things in that order for those on my list in that order which can create confusion and lead to questions about certain family members sexual orientation, leave a few catalogs lying about and see what the cats yack on first (Engraved cheese molds? Excellent choice!) and calling L.L. Bean and telling the customer service rep to "surprise" me. And to that I say...gift card. Movies, Cracker Barrel, Borders, Red Lobster, Target, Home Depot. Whatever their baliwick may be. Don't worry about the fact that they then KNOW how much you spent. At least it won't go to waste when they can give it back to you next year for your birthday.