Hassel-Off

I've returned from the RWA Conference. I'm not quite ready to talk about it yet but since I've been neglecting you people, I'm giving you a tidbit to tide you over. Yes, I may not want to discuss that conference yet but I do wnat to talk about...David Hasselhoff. I mean do you remember Bay Watch NIGHTS? Because he was too much man for one show? Oy! Again, my beloved icons at Tomatonation.com have done a far better job than I ever shall of saying it well. I'll just throw in their thoughts as they are smarter than I. Incidentally, I left in the part about Mel Gibson just because I'm pissed at him. I get that he's been an alcohlic for years and some times you just fall off that wagon but still...sugartits?


Wing Chun: Hello?

Sarah: I think you mean "Mel-lo."

Wing Chun: I…do?

Sarah: Yes, sugar tits, you do.

Wing Chun: Sugar what now? …Ohhhh, yeah, Mel Gibson. Hey, what's the movie where he's frozen and then he wakes up?

Sarah: Crap, I forget. Popsicle of the Christ?

Wing Chun: Heh. Mad Max Beyond Frigidaire.

Sarah: Brrrr…aveheart.

Wing Chun: Groan. …Forever Young, that's it.

Sarah: Oh yeah, with Frodo. What brought that up?

Wing Chun: Well, I'm getting the feeling that that was based on Mel Gibson's actual life.

Sarah: Mel Gibson is Frodo's stepdad?

Wing Chun: No, because he -- did you see it?

Sarah: Not that I know of.

Wing Chun: Okay, the gist is that his character was frozen in 1939 and then wakes up like fifty years later.

Sarah: Right.

Wing Chun: My point is that this actually happened, only Mel Gibson doesn't actually know it's not 1939 anymore.

Sarah: Did they have mullets in 1939? Because if I remember my Lethal Weapon correctly --

Wing Chun: Okay, but: what did they have in 1939?

Sarah: …Wireless sets?

Wing Chun: Anti-Semitism was acceptable to express in 1939. Like out loud. Also, Vatican II hadn't happened yet.

Sarah: And people drove drunk all the time.

Wing Chun: And called each other "sugar tits." Well, only in spanking pornos, but you see what I mean.

Sarah: Yeah, totally. So Mel's not a crazy bigoted alcoholic, he's just --

Wing Chun: -- stuck in a time warp.

Sarah: Populated by Phoenicians.

Wing Chun: Phoe-nic-ians. Nice one. I'd have gone with "Assyrians."

Sarah: An equally solid choice, in my opinion.

Wing Chun: …Man, he is a weirdo.

Sarah: Yeah, what's his next project -- Waterworld: Revenge Of The Mayan Ruins, something like that?

Wing Chun: Probably. I won't be seeing it. Subtitles, beeyotch.

Sarah: Yeah, that was pretentious. Although actually I didn't think the movie needed them, in the end.

Wing Chun: Well, the movie didn't need Powder Satan's wart baby, either, but he left that in.

Sarah: Wait, you don't even like movies with subtitles.
Wing Chun: Not the point.

Sarah: And while I'm up, wait again: spanking pornos?

Wing Chun: Yeah, you just blew right past that.

Sarah: I did, but I'm coming back to it now.

Wing Chun: I don't really have anything to add.

Sarah: I…don't either.

Wing Chun: I…have never seen one. Just for the purposes of clarity.

Sarah: Duly noted, Slappy.

Wing Chun: Hee. …Ohhhh nooooooo!

Sarah: What?

Wing Chun: Well, I'm reading your poll on the TWoP homepage?

Sarah: My poll on the -- oh, right. The Hasselpoll. You know, I left off a really good one that I only just now remembered.

Wing Chun: This is pretty comprehensive as it is. Revenge of the Cheerleaders, seriously?

Sarah: Oh, I know. I'd also forgotten completely that he was on a soap for, like, a decade.

Wing Chun: What did you leave ou-- British Airways?

Sarah: Oh, yeah, you didn't hear about that one?

Wing Chun: Hass-el-hoff, come on, dude!

Sarah: His publicist is claiming he was "sick."

Wing Chun: Oh, I'm sure he was. Sick of being sober.
Sarah: That's not the one I left out.

Wing Chun: You forgot Wimblehoff? …Oh, no, I see that's on here. You know he's suing the tabloids over that story, right?

Sarah: He is? Oh, God. Link me.

Wing Chun: "David Hasselhoff is suing an English tabloid newspaper after it claimed he went on a drunken rampage at the Wimbledon tennis championships earlier this month."

Sarah: I can't wait to see that filing on Smoking Gun.com. What exactly is his claim here? That it wasn't a rampage?

Wing Chun: "Mr. Hasselhoff's attorney insisted that his client's behavior constituted more of a kerfuffle or a brouhaha than a rampage."

Sarah: "Under British law, rampages must contain at least one soccer hooligan and a slurred mention of Lord Jeff."

Wing Chun: So which Drunkelhoff story isn't on here?

Sarah: Shavelhoff.

Wing Chun: Do I even want to know?

Sarah: Not really, but anyway. He cut himself shaving.

Wing Chun: Ohhhh, that. And he cut the shit out of himself, too, right? Like, severed tendons and everything?

Sarah: Yeah. With a chandelier, hello.

Wing Chun: He was trying to shave with a chandelier?

Sarah: No. …Well, actually, his publicist tried to make it out like he was shaving and hit his head on a chandelier --

Wing Chun: He severed tendons in -- there are no tendons in the head, dude.

Sarah: No, I know. The story is that he bonked his head on the chandelier, put his arm up to shield himself from falling glass, and cut a tendon in his arm.

Wing Chun: I…but that…okay, no, he didn't.

Sarah: Well, clearly not, so I think he was trying to shave with the chandelier and this is the best cover they could come up with.

Wing Chun: That is weak.


Sarah: Well, yeah, but: you're Hasselhoff's publicist. Do you waste time coming up with a convincing reason that Captain Mitch Tequilapants has an armful of leaded crystal? Or do you write up some "he walked into a door" bullshit and get on with your day, knowing you'll have to have another statement ready in about ten minutes?

Wing Chun: Good point. God, that poor woman.

Sarah: Really. Every time the Hasselhoff Bat phone rings, she's like, "It is eleven in the morning!"

Wing Chun: "Ohhhh, Daaaavey."

Sarah: Ha!

Wing Chun: Do you think they have an office pool for Hasselstuff at that PR firm? Like, you pick what he was drinking and how he injured himself at the beginning of the year, and whoever is right the most times wins?
Sarah: Oh, totally. And it's like Clue. "It's sangria at the Plaza Hotel!" "It's vodka marts at Dan Tana's!"

Wing Chun: Aw, poor Hassy.

Sarah: I know.

Wing Chun: Now more than ever, I want a "don't Hassle the Hoff" shirt.

Sarah: Me too.

Wing Chun: There's a video? There's…a video, oh dear.

Sarah: You haven't seen that shit?

Wing Chun: No.

Sarah: Go on, I'll wait.
Wing Chun: …What is going on here, Sarah?

Sarah: I don't know.

Wing Chun: I…

Sarah: Yeah.

Wing Chun: ...

Sarah: Did you get to the part with the fish yet?

Wing Chun: He's singing to himself right now. …Oh, here's the fish -- what the hell?

Sarah: Exactly.

Wing Chun: No no no. I am asking. What. The hell.

Sarah: …Germany?

Wing Chun: I have to say, I don't really understand Germany's pop-cultural identity.

There's more to this convo but it slides of of the Hassy topic but I certainly suggest you go and check it out via the handy link to the right. They continue to add people into the ranks of the Grils Bicycle Club. Sarah is a goddess of pith. Incidentally, watch out for her TN Baseball Cons if you live in the NYC area.