We here at NovelChick (and by We I mean the royal We since I'm the only one here) pride ourselves in bringing you the best of Friday afternoon time wasters to push you threw that last two hours of work when you have to pretend you're doing something. And to that end, today I present to you five new games that will have you emailing me demanding the two hours of your life you wasted on these back. Enjoy! BTW, The Greenskeeper is winging it's way toward Casa NovelChick as we speak.
Paper Throw Game (Exactly what it sounds like, you try to toss paperwads into the trash cans. Highly addictive!)
Guess The Google (Bizaree. You are presented 20 pieces of pictures and you have to guess what the Google search word was in 20 seconds. Stupid but you'll get sucked in.)
The KungFu Statesmen (I always attempt to bring you some topical flippery and this is it. Be your choice of British Political Statesman and hunt for incriminating documents. Sort of a Donkey Kong style thing.)
The Bar (This is a puzzle game where you wander around looking for clues. It's nicely done but I stink at it. It takes a minute to load.)
Mansion Impossible (Buy and sell houses until you can afford the $10,000,000.00 one. Annoying in it's addictivness.)
Friday, April 28, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Amy, Dan and NovelChick- The Interview
Sorry about the non-posting this week. I have a hella sinus infection going on. Just when you think everything has bloomed and you can go on with your life...
So, it has not escaped my notice that I did not comment on last week's Gilmore Girls. In my opinion, the best episode of the season. Anytime you have MamaKim, massive Buddhas, Zack in a dress and the awesome Sebastian Bach in one episode? Awesome. If you didn't see it? Netflix season one and get started. Yummy bartenders? Stampeding Koreans? Rip off wedding dress skirts? Awesome. For one brief shining moment I was in love with them all over again. Until the whole Fake Illegitimate Daughter Plot Forced Upon Us For Some Unknown Reason reared it's ugly head. It's getting worse then the AnaL thing in Lost. No matter how many times you slap me in the face with it? Still going to hate it and think it lowers the whole tone of the show.
So last night's episode...ummm. Yeah. Highlight? Paris. Seriously, how much does Paris own her scenes. I loooooove her. So, at what point did Luke start dressing exclusively like a homeless Vet? You know, that's an insult to Vets everywhere, with and without homes. The dude has decent clothes, we've seen them. And how much did Sherilyn Finn look like a dried up bag? You have to have some damn awful lighting to make her look puffy and old. Unless she is puffy. Anyway, not so good. I guess that I'm really getting annoyed with Loralei for taking all this. Okay, I've been annoyed, now I'm just insulted. It's called eHarmony, look into it. Apparently no one is acknowledging she and Luke are going to get married. Ever. Maybe his dresing this way is some passive agressive maneuver? Dunno. Anyway, we got him not letting her meet April, Sookie trying to be consoling, Miss Patty saying "one day", Anna (hate) saying she doubts it, etc.
So all of this comes hot on the heels of the news that the Palladinos are packing it in and taking their party elsewhere. Well...okay. There are fans who are weeping and wailing and dressing in sack cloth. Not me. It's not that I don't acknowledge that fact that they created this wonderful series that everyone who heard the premis knew was doomed to fail ion four episodes.Anywho, The Chicklets about Studio City think this may not be as much about the Gilmores as it is about the new show that the Ps were developing for WB, which then may have died on the operating table via The Merger. Finally Ausiello over at TV Guide got the official scoop. I've posted the somewhat lengthy interview below. I've taken the liberty of writing myself into it.
Team Palladino: The Interview
I'm going to dispense with the fancy introductions this one time and cut right to the chase: I just hung up with exiting Gilmore Girls show runners Amy Sherman-Palladino and Dan Palladino and here's the complete Q&A, raw and uncensored. I'm anxious to hear what you think.
Ausiello: So let's start with the obvious question: Why are you leaving?
Amy: Oh, my god! Nobody told me! I just bought new curtains!
Ausiello: I was hoping this was all just a big punking.
Amy: Ashton Kutcher is standing behind me.
Dan: The short answer really is that we just could not come to terms with the studio for a new contract.
NovelChick: It's true. We're completely not interested in actually doing the Gilmore Girls anymore and we were trying to force them to let us do something else and get all Joss Whedon on their ass. That went so well for Buffy.
Amy: And we tried. We went to them very early — what was it, January? — to say, "Let's talk about this now."
Ausiello: Well, let's get into the longer version of the story, shall we?
Amy: Oh, you're adorable.
NovelChick: It's always great to be interviewed by someone not afraid to ask the tough questions. And yes, I am down to a size 10 and any association with Scientology has been grossly exaggerated.
Ausiello: The word on the street is that you guys wanted a two-year pickup. True?
Amy: I don't think "pickup" is the right word, because this was a personal deal; this had nothing to do with the show. Our deal ends, or ended, already. Basically, what the f--k am I doing in editing? I should be home. So, we, personally, as individual writers did not have a deal going forward. The show is picked up and the actors have a deal but we didn't have a deal. It wasn't so much about a pickup. We have gone year to year to year, and this year we decided that this charade is ridiculous. We want to be able to be around to protect the show for next year, the year after, for however long the show is up and running.
Dan: We were doing one-year contracts for the last two years and we felt like...
Amy: It's very exhausting to do a one-year contract.
NovelChick: It's really awful not being nominated for jack except at the Family Quality Awards or whatever. Not like the good old Roseanne days. Seriously, if you're not getting peer recognition what the hell is the point of all this? But we got our revenge on WB didn't we? Have you checked out the April storyline? Ha!
Dan: We felt like we wanted to be able to see more than 300 days into the future; we felt like we had earned that. And that was definitely one of our points. We wanted to play a significant role on Gilmore Girls for at least two more years, because as Amy has told you before, we feel like this show... it can weave and bob and change and mutate and keep going, because it's about family, it's about relationships, and it could keep going for two, three, who knows how many years.
NovelChick: It is a bummer not being able to plan more then a year in advance. We're totally blaming that for all the plot holes one could drive a fleet of HumVees through. Clearly if we knew we were going to be around longer we'd keep a damn storyboard tacked up somewhere but with the year to year thing it didn't seem worth the thumbtack hole in the wall.
Amy: [And] they have to launch a new network. They need product. Maybe they'll be very lucky and they'll have like 12 hit shows right off the bat this year, but we sort of felt like... we find ourselves in the position every year of doing this. Every year, it's like, "Oh, it's the last year! One more year! Come back for one more year!" And it's like, you know, kids, don't tell me "one more year" anymore. I'm so tired of hearing "one more year." It's exhausting. I firmly believe that as long as... I mean, Lauren Graham, every show she does something different. She grows more as an actress. These actors aren't done with their journey yet. And we feel like, sure, maybe it's the last year, but chances are, if it's a solid lead-in, if it does good numbers, if it helps them launch something, why wouldn't they want another year? That's not insane.
NovelChick: So true. On the other hand, the network people read the TWOP boards as does everyone in Tinseltown and they are seriously concerned that it went from one of the most active boards to not even being able to squeak out eleven pages of comments per episode. As opposed to something like LOST or Prison Break which usually has over a hundred. While asking for a two year contract is not at all over the top, it's not also completely insane for the network to want to know what the heck we are planning to do to fix this mess.
Ausiello: From the studio's standpoint, the cast isn't committed for an eighth year. So why would they go ahead and give you guys a two-year deal without a guarantee that any of the actors will be back?
Amy: (Sarcastically) Because we're special.
NovelChick: Well, I am. Besides, it's not like we need THOSE actors. We were really consdiering doing an antimated season next year and totally blowing off SAG.
Amy: Well, but you also get development. It's not like they're paying us to sit around and have cocktails.
NovelChick: They don't? Seriously? My contract has the specific number of Midori bottles that need to be in my suite at all times as well as a bartender on-call between 6-8 each day. AM and PM. You guys got shafted.
Amy:Because, believe me, if I was asking them to pay me to sit around and have cocktails, I'd understand them being a little upset. Look, it's business. Every time you pick up the trades and you read that some show runner is getting a two-year deal, that show could be canceled the following year, and then that deal continues. Also, deals have options... there are all sorts of things that go into deals. What we were asking for was not crazy. It was not insane. It was not the moon.
NovelChick: So...I made a few demands they weren't wild about. I carry a lot of tension in my shoulders, I need a masseur to follow me around. They're so cheap.
Amy: It was really about, frankly, protecting the show and about keeping us around so that as the show goes forward they don't have to panic every year: "Well, how do we move the show forward and who's going to be at the helm?" It would allow us to plan for one year, it would allow us to plan for two years. You know, a big part of making new deals with the actors would be telling them what that second year would be. Telling them what their stories will be. Telling them what their lives would be like. That's all stuff that we could have provided for 'em.
NovelChick: Naturally we didn't tell them what was in the works for this year. Clearly they all would have upchucked and quit on the spot. Some people are so damn demanding with little things like continuity.
Ausiello: If the show didn't end up coming back for that eighth season, what would have happened?
Amy: Then we would have cleaned [Warner Bros. TV president] Peter Roth's house for a year. For a whole year. I would do the laundry, and Dan would dust the CDs. NovelChick would have sat around by the pool and read People, charged a bunch of long distance phone calls and availed herself of Mrs. Roth's La Mer.
Dan: We never even got that far into the process. They just wanted to sign us for one year. We never got to talk about the logistics. We just sort of hit a wall with that request.
Amy: My biggest frustration, actually, was the fact that there was no dialogue. It was like we went to them and said, "This is what we would like," and they came back and said, "This is what we'll give you — take it or leave it." There was no chance for Dan and I and the studio to talk about what any of that would mean. And that's a little sad, a little frustrating, but you know what? It's business. They have a business model they need to stick to and we understand that.
Ausiello: When I spoke to you guys last year, Amy, you said you conceived Gilmore as a seven-year show, ending with Rory's graduation. Did you change your mind?
NovelChick: Well how the hell were we going to get paid if we didn't do more then seven years? And awards? We can't fold without an Emmy. We're going to keep this show on the air until it eclipses ER as the show voted most likely no one gives a damn about but runs a weekly promo that starts with The Most Intense Episode Ever.
Amy: It's not that. I conceived this show to be able to go seven years, because that's the whole point of conceiving a show. To me, if you're going to pitch a show and it can't go seven years, go back to the drawing board and figure out a different pitch. So, for me, if you're going to end the show at Year 7, that's fine, that is great. It would have been great to end at Year 7. It would have been, frankly, great to end at Year 6, because we could have found an end this year.
NovelChick: Yeah, we had this great plan were we totally ignored the end of the show and just left it like Luke and Loralei totally maybe getting married, April still screwing up and being annoying, Rory being a doormat, Logan being an asshat with no closure on his family situation and going away to London maybe or maybe jumping off something else like the Golden Gate and Sherrilyn Finn still puffy. It would be like the final middle finger being flipped at the network and all the fans who have stuck with us through this Godawful season. We were totally looking forward to it.
Dan: But we wanted to break Bonanza and Gunsmoke's record.
Amy: Yeah! Also, when you look at 7th Heaven being around for 10 years, there's no reason this show couldn't have gone on for 10 years.
NovelChick: Yeah, we are comparing ourselves to the most boring show that has spun so far away from it's original direction that not even my cats will watch it anymore. What are you going to do about it?
Amy: You know, if I felt like the show was just this train wreck, if I felt like the actors were sloughing off, if I felt like people were asleep at the wheel, it would've been different.
NovelChick: You know, like it is now.
Amy: But when you see stuff happening, and when scenes and moments happen that you didn't think could happen before, and when you add a kid like Matt Czuchry to the show and all of a sudden it brings in different layers and different stories and different textures, it's like, it doesn't have to end.
NovelChick: It's true. We could have tortured people for ages with this shit. It's a shame we won't be around next season so we can plug in that storyline about the alien pod people found in the attic of The Dragonfly.
Amy: And I'm not saying that next year won't be the last year. It could be, or it could go on. But from a business standpoint, us doing year-to-year deals at this point in our careers did not make any sense. It just didn't make any sense. And, frankly, it's very stressful for me every year not to know, "Do I end it this year? Do I not end it this year? What do I do?" Which has been the way it's been every single freakin' year.
Ausiello: From the fans' POV, you've been with the show for six years, next year could be the final year, you have the chance here to wrap things up in a nice bow, tell this whole story, give everyone closure, the whole thing. When it became clear that the studio wasn't going to budge on the two-year deal, did you ever consider going, "Look, screw it. We're going to stick around for this last year anyway. We're going to make it a great year. We're going to send the show out on a high note."
NovelChick: Fans? Who the hell cares about those losers? It's all about us and how we feel. You know how Luke and Loralei have never said I love you and have this really sterile and horrid physical thing going on? We love that. You should see what Amy said about it in another article.
Amy: Honey, there were many other issues that weren't about the two years. There were many production issues that we simply, physically, could not continue the show without — certain production concessions from the studio. And that, frankly, is a reality, also.
Ausiello: Can you say what any of those were?
Dan: For the six years, we've been working seven days a week, 'cause we knew every aspect of the show. We'd break every story, we'd edit, this last year we directed seven between ourselves, we have written 90-something scripts.
NovelChick: So like twelve scripts a season out of twenty-three. We're exhausted! For heaven's sake, look what John Smoltz makes and he only works like every third day MAYBE and nine months of the year. And he got a five year contract. I'm not writing another word until I get that deal. We also kept forgetting what we said episode to episode but again, screw the fans.
Amy: We also take a pass at all scripts that go out and by the time our season ends, by the time I'm done editing and by the time I'm done with sound mixes and everything like that, it's mid-May. We start back June 1. We work through every holiday... Christmas, Thanksgiving. It's been quite a load.
Dan: So, having done that for six years, we really wanted to expand our personnel base. We wanted more writers, more bodies in that writers' room, we wanted a director on staff, which I think every other hourlong show has, except ours. Not having that director on staff means Amy and I have to be down on stage supervising other directors, which leads to the seven-days-a-week thing. So we were needing more personnel. And we never got around to convincing people that that was absolutely necessary.
NovelChick: So you see, letting the quality of the show go to hell these last two seasons totally makes our case and put us in a better bargaining position. Well, we thought it would.
Amy: And part of the reason we went to the studio so early in the game is because we wanted to be able to go out and find writers then. And find a director-producer then. So that everything would be in place the following year. Because at this point in time, shows are being picked up, people are putting their schedules together, the marketplace is thin. Great people are being snapped up. And we went to the studio and said, "Look, give us a chance to get everything in place now. Let's have everyone sign up for next year. Let's start working on next year this year." I think it's a couple of things. Businesswise, we spoiled them, because why spend money on other writers when you don't have to? [Laughs] There's a little bit of that. And I also think that everybody thinks that everybody's playing poker, and who's going to blink first? And we were like, very honestly, like, in an Andy Hardy movie going, "No, seriously, we really want to put on a show in the barn if you just listen to us, mister!" And it just never got to that point. And it wasn't until things really came to a head that suddenly people realized, "The insane people are actually serious about this."
Ausiello: Moving away from the business part, how does it feel to be passing the show off to someone else just before what could potentially be its final year?
NovelChick: Meh. We were bored as hell anyway. It sort of chaps my ass that they told us to get lost before we had a final chance to completely alienate our fan base with The Most Forced and Ridiculous Plot Device Ever. By the way, we phone that in.
Amy: It's horrifying. It's like a freaking nightmare. And I know I speak for Dan, too.... Well, maybe I don't but I am speaking for Dan now, if we can't ensure the quality... every year we've tried to push the bar higher. For better or worse, whether people like it or don't like it, we tried to make our stories more complex.
NovelChick: And by that we mean totally out of context or having anything to do with the last season.
Amy: We try and push the quality higher.
NovelChick: We do? Oh.
Amy: When we go on location we want to make more of that. We want to do more interesting things. You know, this year we did our troubadour thing, which has been a long time coming. We personally push everything higher, and a lot of times in Year 6 or 7, show runners take steps back. Their lives get easier. And our lives only get harder.
NovelChick: Yeah, dude. What's harder than an bastard daughter who lived like ten miles away and you didn't know about? We totally stole that off Dynasty. We were going to make her Lane actually but Luke had no chemistry with MamaKim so we weren't sure anyone would buy it. So we went with a puffy Sherilynn.
Amy:And partially it's because we want to make things better and better and better until there's no more better to make. But also, if we can't do that as the kind of creative people we are, it's something.... I can't be a part of something that I can't ensure that I'm giving 100 percent anymore. If I'm saying, "I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I feel like I'm going to flip out and be a Margot Kidder in the hedges with my teeth gone at Episode 6 if I don't get some help," somebody should listen. Because, seriously, me without my teeth is even scarier than me with my teeth. We really wanted to be able to say, "Here's how we ensure the show — for the life of the show." If it's next year or the year after, we can ensure it. We have been begging for these things every single year, and every single year it gets harder and harder and harder, and it got to the point where it's like, "No. We've done a lot for you. We've done a lot for you. We've done a lot for this network and we've done a lot for this studio. We need you to do something for us. We need some relief. We need more writers, we need a director-producer, we need to know that this isn't the year that you get the last year of your show and I end up drooling into a cup."
NovelChick: In other words, we threatened them with a worse season then the current one but they said it couldn't be done.
Dan: I was willing to give 110 percent, which is 10 percent more than Amy.
NovelChick: I was really on prepared to give like 30 percent personally. That's the percent we gave this year.
Ausiello: Let's talk about the $5 million figure that's being thrown around. It sounds like they backed the Brink's truck up and you told them to move it.
Amy: First of all, it was all in shekels. Ha! Ha! Shekels! It's a funny word.
Dan: We would never comment on the specifics of money.
NovelChick: I totally would. I told them to shoot the gaurds, grab the money and let's make for the border. Now we're fired. Way to go.
Amy: We were raised better than that.
Dan: I haven't even told my parents how much our house cost nine years ago. We never talk about money. It's gauche, it's not classy. But having said that, I can tell you that we've never been unhappy with what we've been paid on this show.
Amy: Ever.
Dan: Ever. We were compensated very generously by the studio. What broke this deal was not at all, in any way, shape or form, about our compensation. Amy: It was a nonissue.
NovelChick: Hooooo! Yeah. Tell them that. Actually, it wasn't a money thing. It was that they axed our other show.
Ausiello: Let's talk about the creative. I don't know how much you guys read of what's out there, but there's been a rocky reception to some of the stuff that's happened this season, specifically regarding Luke and Lorelai and the return of Christopher. What is your reaction to what you may or may not be hearing?Amy: Look, we went through this in Season 4. We've been through this before.
NovelChick: Yeah, who the hell listens to the fans? That's so over in Hollywood. We're doing what we want and that's the bottom line. Tell them Amy.
Amy:People love you, they hate you, they love you, they hate you. That's the nature of drama. We don't read a lot of that stuff because, frankly, we don't have the energy to do that.
NovelChick: Ignornace is bliss. We don't care either. If you don't like April then screw you. I mean it totally worked for Cosby when they introduced a little moppet. Right? That worked right? Or on Happy Days? Or the Brady Bunch? It totally works everytime to keep people happy. When in doubt, fall back on a secret baby. I think we've all learned that from reading our Harlequins. We are thinking at the season finale we're going to have Rory strap on some waterskis and jump over this huge great white they've managed to contain off of the Huntsberger Martha's Vineyard house. Actually, Mitchum sent it there to eat Rory since he's such a bastard. He owns the shark. Of course, he'lllater tell it it has no journalistic skill and would make a great secretary or callgirl. Do you like his hair plugs? All rich bastards cheat on their wives and have hairplugs. It's the Hollywood law.
Amy: I will say what I've said before in this position, which is we've only done story lines that felt to us like the true place to take the characters.
NovelChick: Stop! Stop! Amy, you're killing me here!
Amy: I think that if you don't grow and move you die. I've always felt that. Luke and Lorelai are two very complex human beings. They are two people in their late thirties who, for some reason, have never comingled with anyone, never lived with anyone, never been married. And that kind of person brings baggage to a relationship. If you ignore that baggage and say, "Now they're in love and happy and they're skipping around the town square and everything's delightful," then I think you're doing a disservice to the characters and the story line and, in the end, I think we'd be getting slammed for, "Oh, Luke and Lorelai are so boring! All they do is skip in a circle now." I think that no matter what you're going to do, it's going to go up, it's going to go down. I feel that Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel have done some of the best work of their careers this year. And I think they deserve story lines that take them to new places. We have a responsibility to our actors, who are here 24 hours a day, who can't eat a pretzel because you have to be perfect and thin and gorgeous in front of the camera, and who have never let us down. Who have never stopped committing to the stories.
NovelChick: Yeah, we've never stopped committing to stupid storylines that only we think are good ideas. And we will continue to do so no matter what anyone thinks. But us. We totally care what we think. Television is not about who watches it. It's about those who write it. We're modeling ourselves after the David Lynch School of Thought.
Amy:And if they're going to do that then we've got to make sure that the stories are digging deeper, are getting more complex, are pushing forward, otherwise everybody will just sort of take a nap.
NovelChick: Which would be worse then them making out the grocery list, sorting and clipping coupons out of the Sunday circular which they've saved specifically to do during this hour since they know they really only need to watch out for Lane, Paris or Sebastian Bach since everyone else is pretty much stuck in one dimension. We got that from Passions.
Amy: While I never like people to be upset, especially our fans, because our fans have been so unbelievably loyal to us and have kept us where we are now...
NovelChick: Oh, you don't have to put up that front now that we're leaving. Everyone knows you don't care. Remember when everyone was like, hey, how can puffy Sherrilyn be Jess' father's girlfriend in California AND April's mom? And you were like I wanted to work with Puffy and so I am and bite me.
Amy: I mean we're up against the biggest year of American Idol ever and someone's still tuning in. So we're very fortunate to have these people in our lives and hopefully they will, as they've done before when they've gotten upset, hang around long enough to find out that things that go up also go down, go sideways and eventually come back around again. But I think I feel very comfortable in saying we did the right thing for the characters that we've created and we stayed true to who they were and we took them to new places. And that's also how you extend the life of a show. If you just kept them static and everything was happy and everybody was like, "Mama, look, a pretty tree!" How long can you look at a f--king pretty tree before you want to kill yourself?
Ausiello: Based on the mail I've been reading, a lot of fans don't buy the April obstacle. As you know, they were pissed off before she ever appeared on the screen. And at the time, you asked them to have a little faith. So, cut to April 24: April has driven a wedge between Luke and Lorelai. If the spoilers are to be believed (SPOILER ALERT), Lorelai will end up in Christopher's bed in the finale, and now you guys are leaving. It looks like you asked them to have faith, then you split Luke and Lorelai up, threw her in bed with Christopher, and quit. What do you have to say to that?
[Crickets]
Dan: I've got nothing to say to that.
Amy: Yeah, that's something. You know what, that's a good story line. We should use that.
NovelChick: Damn! You found out. Stupid TWOP. Look, it's not our responsibility to make fans happy. We said have faith and they did and we just expect them to forever now matter what we do. We write the show you know and so they have to take it. Were not interested in their ideas or thoughts or feelings. How many times do we have to tell you people to stop emailing us? We do not care!
Dan: You know, in the very beginning of the series, in the first year with Alexis Bledel with that beautiful baby face as Rory, if we had said in three years we're going to have this girl lose her virginity to a married man, our heads would've been chopped off, put on pikes and paraded around Burbank.
Amy: Which Warner. Bros. is still negotiating for, by the way. [Laughs]
NovelChick: Speak for yourself, sister. They recommended me for a writing gig over at Sci-Fi on Battlestar. It wins awards. They swear it has something to do with listening to people and tanking storylines that just suck. I have no idea what that means. I think I may listen to the podcast.
Dan: I'm basically repeating what Amy said: We try to follow the characters and we also try to make it as interesting as possible. And I've always felt with spoilers, a lot of people hear about a plot point seven episodes down the line without taking into account what happens in the episodes in between now and then. I've always sort of been astonished by that. That's why I say if in the first year you had heard that [about Rory], a lot of people would have turned off their televisions like, "This is going to turn into a soap opera." And that was a very controversial story line for us.
Amy: People were not happy with that.
NovelChick: Let them turn off the TV! We're not going to be around to wittness the carnage. We're the Enron of TV! Ha!
Dan: And even in our writers' room we had a lot of heated discussions about whether that's going to hurt the character and all that stuff, but Amy and I felt like that's where she would go, that's where her heart would go, that's her own flaw, because it wasn't the right thing to do. And we followed through on that flaw. In Year 5, we showed the ramifications of what happens when you sleep with your ex-boyfriend who is married. What are the ramifications for that man's wife? What are the ramifications for him? So, again, I completely agree with Amy that we've always just tried to follow the characters, tried to keep it interesting and always tried to keep it true to the characters, and the people who come after us are going to be doing the same thing.
Amy: And also I just really want to stress, we did not quit. Everything we put in place this year, we put in place so that we could continue it next year. And that's just the bottom line. This entire story line was in place so that Dan and I could continue it next year. So, if anyone thinks that I threw something at the fans — and why I would want to throw something upsetting at the fans when all they've done is support the show — it's a little nutty. We threw the story line out there because we knew where we were going next year.
Novelchick: Alien pods!
Amy: Dan and I knew. Now it's open to many different places for the next crew that comes in. I know it's not up to us to tell them where to go. They have to make that decision on their own. But everything we put into place we put into place fully expecting to continue it. This has been an awful, heartbreaking thing. When a deal falls apart because somebody wants a gazillion dollars and I demand that my parking space be painted pink and that every time I show up somebody sings "Once in Love with Amy," then fine, walk away. But what we asked for from the studio had nothing to do with money. Dan and I never even got around to discussing price, because we just wanted our other issues to be talked about first. We earned that, we deserved that, we should've gotten that and we should've been coming back next year. And that's my feeling. I'm very, very sorry we're not. This show has been my heart and my soul for six years. I dragged Dan away from a lovely room of boys doing fart jokes over at Family Guy to come play with the girls and, between the two of us, we have kept this show as fresh and alive and as hopping as it has been. And we have done nothing but devote every single aspect of our lives for the last six years to this show. We haven't had time to do anything else. We haven't breathed anything else. It never occurred to us. And now that it's over, we're very, very sad. But I need it very clear out there that we did not walk away. And what we asked for was absolutely, ridiculously within our rights to get. And I feel like without it, the show really would've not done well next year because we just couldn't have maintained this high-wire act that we've been on for this long.
Ausiello: What happens to your seven-year plan now? What happens to the last two lines of the show that only you know?
Amy: Well, I think that you have to look for another two lines now.
[Crickets]
Ausiello: So, there's no hope that your story...
NovelChick: NO! It's ours and we're not sharing. You wanted it, you should have let us continue to make viewers crazy with dumb crap that a two year old would catch like when Christopher's parents came over and got in a huge fight with Chris and Loralei and Rory and Emily and Richard and they stormed out. Then last season we killed off Strom and they were sooooo sad. We live to screw up. If they don't get another Seinfeldesque ending that leaves the viewers toatlly pissed then that's their own fault.
Amy: It's not my story anymore, honey. No one's consulting me. No one's talking to me. No one's asking me about anything next year. I don't know what's in the budget. I don't know who's being hired. The minute the studio decided they're moving on, they moved on. I'm out of the loop.
Ausiello: Well, I can tell you that Dave Rosenthal is taking over.
Amy: We know Dave Rosenthal. We hired him.
Ausiello: Is the show in good hands?
Amy: Dave's a great guy. He's a great guy. He has credits up the arse.
Ausiello: One of those credits is Good Morning, Miami.
[Dan chuckles]
Amy: Well, he also did Spin City.
NovelChick: And since that bears as much resemblance to the Gilmore Girls as it does my ass, we're very confident he'll totally screw up and they'll come back begging for us.
Dan: Don't look too closely at Amy's and my credits going back. You'll find something in all of our résumés.
NovelChick: Hey, I did not work on Roseanne! My resume is spotless.
Dan: We hired David as an executive producer, perhaps even in anticipation of either leaving or getting more people so that we could delegate a little more, and it's really, really worked. They'll have to hire a bunch of new people.
Amy: They need to hire some major writers because they don't have a staff right now.
Ausiello: How should fans feel about Dave?
Amy: First of all, the fans are not focused on Dave Rosenthal. Dave came to the show with us, he saw our style of story-breaking. The fans should take a step back, take a breath and give it a shot on its own merits.
NovelChick: Yeah, it's always possible he didn't listen when we told him to ignore the fans. He may take the show somewhere that makes sense. He may have a storyboard. That would be awful!
Amy: It's really going to come down to how much support David gets, because it's a very, very, very big job that he's inherited. He's inherited everything that Dan and I do, and they've got to make sure to support him and give him what he needs so that he can continue to focus on the quality of the show.
Ausiello: Might you guys consult?
Amy: No.
Ausiello: If next year is the last year, is there a possibility of you guys going back to do the finale?
Amy: There's been no talk of that.
Ausiello: But is it a possibility?
Dan: We're living a day at a time here, Mike.
Amy: Dude, I plan on being on crack in an hour. I'm going to be with Whitney Houston in that bathroom of hers.
NovelChick: I'm going to Versace. And then I'm going to Canyon Ranch. Then I'm going to Paris to this cute little cafe near Montemarte and then...
Ausiello: So you wouldn't rule out returning for the finale?
Amy: A lot of it's gonna depend on where the show goes next year. I have very strong, emotional feelings about things — some are rational, some are not. [Laughs] It's going to be a whole different trip next year, with different story lines that don't come out of my head, so I think that's something that's really hard to talk about at this point. Especially since I plan on being drunk the entire year.
NovelChick: Well, that explains the last three episodes. I guess you got started early. Who are you to alienate yourself by checking out of our dreary jobs ahead of schedule?
Ausiello: How did the cast take the news?
Amy: They're all going to kill themselves. No, what are they going to do? They're all sweet and they're all very supportive, and I'm sure they're all surprised and a little freaked. We've been keeping them apprised of everything. Months ago when we went to [Warner Bros.] and nothing was happening, Lauren and I talked. I said, "Nothing's happening. We've gone to them and we're hearing nothing." I don't think this is a complete and utter shock, because they are my actors and my first responsibility is to them. I certainly wouldn't want them shocked. And then the minute it fell apart, I went and talked to them directly and told them. That was before we wrapped.
Ausiello: Are they concerned about next year?
Amy: We didn't have that talk. Our talk was more, "I love you, we'll e-mail, we'll have drinks, now we can go shopping, I'll miss you," and End Scene. And then Lauren had to get back on a plane and go to Virginia because she's shooting a movie. Look, they know David. David's been here. I think that any change is jarring to people. We've been together as a group since the pilot. We went to Niagara Falls together. We're a tight-knit group. It was not a group that was ready to be broken apart, so I'm sure that's going to freak some people out. But they're pros. And they're great. And they could read the phone book and people are going to love it, because they're that good.
NovelChick: We totally had that written in next year. Right before the shark jumping.
Amy:So I don't think that they should be throwing up or shaking. I'll do that for all of them.
Ausiello: Will you watch the show next year?
(Crickets)
Dan: I... I... yes. We will.
NovelChick: Is American Idol keeping it's time slot? Anyone?
Ausiello: What would've happened next year in your plan?
Amy: I can't do that. Someone else is going to get stories going and I can't...
Dan: And honestly, Mike, while we always have a notion of where we're going, we're never 100 percent sure. We get into it in June as we're starting each year, and we dive into all the complexities and think of all the possible scenarios.
Amy: And we can't tell you because new people are coming in and it's not cool for us to say, "Well, we would've done this!" Give these new guys a shot. It's a hard show. I'm sure they'll be just as dedicated and care just as much about it as we did. It could be the best year ever.
NovelChick: I will! Okay, after the discovery of the Pod People, we find out that Sookie is an alien and that Jackson went insane and killed three truckers in Florida. Then Rory and Logan become narks and get hooked in the seedy underworld of drugs and prostitution and that terrorist end up controlling their minds with strange glowing space orbs. Loralei will go off to join the Peace Corp when it is revealed that Luke is a vampire. Paris and Doyle will take over the campus guerilla style and be killed but frozen in a chamber. Lane and Zack will join the FBI and she will pose as a stripper. April becomes a CSI, drives a Hummer and solves cases because the police are totally into letting CSI people be in charge. Is that everyone? Oh, no. Richard and Emily. We finally find out that Loralei senior did leave them money and a trust for Rory and Loralie since they were her namesakes and all. But the money is embezzled by Kirk who is the secret love child of Richard and one of the maids.
Ausiello: Can you at least tell me if, per your plan, Luke and Lorelai would've gotten married?
Amy: I can't. I don't want to do anything like that. I just don't. Because I don't know where they're going. They could have this great story line planned out that has Luke and Lorelai joining the Russian mafia and being on opposite sides of covert actions, which, by the way, sounds pretty good. I may call Dave right now.
NovelChick: Nope. We don't want to spoil the O.C crossover episode.
Dan: I don't like that story.
Amy: [Laughs] For me to go, "That's what I would've done, here's my plan... " Look, that's something that I've got to deal with, man. I've got to wake up and go, "S--t. That last scene that I was going to do? Not going to happen." That's something that I have to deal with.
Ausiello: If next year is the final year, will you tell me what those last two words were?
Amy: Yes, I will. I promise you. You've got my word.
Dan: They're sitting in a safe-deposit box in Switzerland.
NovelChick: Whatever. What am I bid? Oh fine, the last two words were Nasal Congestion.
Amy: Last four words, actually.
NovelChick: They were Earn More Sessions By...
Ausiello: Really?
Amy: Yeah.
Ausiello: What are you going to do now?
Amy: Drugs. Lots of drugs. No, I'm working on a little something for MTV with RJ Cutler that I'm kind of excited about that I've been trying to find time for the last 185 years, and now I have time. And other than that I think we're going to travel, and then Dan and I are going to figure out what's next. We're going to do some movies, some TV and we're going to keep ourselves out of the mall. We're going to keep really busy. We've got to look at this not just from sadness, we've got to look at it like, "S--t. All those little notebooks with story ideas we've been jotting down for over six years? Now we get to do something with them." Once I sober up, that's how I plan on looking at everything.
Ausiello: Should I assume you won't be working with Warner Bros. ever again?Amy: Oh, honey, you can't say that. Who thought we would be at the WB past Year 4? I have no f--kin' idea what my life is about now. Warner Bros. made a business decision. I don't think they made a creative decision. We made a creative decision, and that's where we couldn't meet. We were thinking from two different sides of our brains.
NovelChick: Yeah. They've tapped me to direct the new Harry Potter.
THE END. DISCUSS AMONGST YOURSELVES.
So, it has not escaped my notice that I did not comment on last week's Gilmore Girls. In my opinion, the best episode of the season. Anytime you have MamaKim, massive Buddhas, Zack in a dress and the awesome Sebastian Bach in one episode? Awesome. If you didn't see it? Netflix season one and get started. Yummy bartenders? Stampeding Koreans? Rip off wedding dress skirts? Awesome. For one brief shining moment I was in love with them all over again. Until the whole Fake Illegitimate Daughter Plot Forced Upon Us For Some Unknown Reason reared it's ugly head. It's getting worse then the AnaL thing in Lost. No matter how many times you slap me in the face with it? Still going to hate it and think it lowers the whole tone of the show.
So last night's episode...ummm. Yeah. Highlight? Paris. Seriously, how much does Paris own her scenes. I loooooove her. So, at what point did Luke start dressing exclusively like a homeless Vet? You know, that's an insult to Vets everywhere, with and without homes. The dude has decent clothes, we've seen them. And how much did Sherilyn Finn look like a dried up bag? You have to have some damn awful lighting to make her look puffy and old. Unless she is puffy. Anyway, not so good. I guess that I'm really getting annoyed with Loralei for taking all this. Okay, I've been annoyed, now I'm just insulted. It's called eHarmony, look into it. Apparently no one is acknowledging she and Luke are going to get married. Ever. Maybe his dresing this way is some passive agressive maneuver? Dunno. Anyway, we got him not letting her meet April, Sookie trying to be consoling, Miss Patty saying "one day", Anna (hate) saying she doubts it, etc.
So all of this comes hot on the heels of the news that the Palladinos are packing it in and taking their party elsewhere. Well...okay. There are fans who are weeping and wailing and dressing in sack cloth. Not me. It's not that I don't acknowledge that fact that they created this wonderful series that everyone who heard the premis knew was doomed to fail ion four episodes.Anywho, The Chicklets about Studio City think this may not be as much about the Gilmores as it is about the new show that the Ps were developing for WB, which then may have died on the operating table via The Merger. Finally Ausiello over at TV Guide got the official scoop. I've posted the somewhat lengthy interview below. I've taken the liberty of writing myself into it.
Team Palladino: The Interview
I'm going to dispense with the fancy introductions this one time and cut right to the chase: I just hung up with exiting Gilmore Girls show runners Amy Sherman-Palladino and Dan Palladino and here's the complete Q&A, raw and uncensored. I'm anxious to hear what you think.
Ausiello: So let's start with the obvious question: Why are you leaving?
Amy: Oh, my god! Nobody told me! I just bought new curtains!
Ausiello: I was hoping this was all just a big punking.
Amy: Ashton Kutcher is standing behind me.
Dan: The short answer really is that we just could not come to terms with the studio for a new contract.
NovelChick: It's true. We're completely not interested in actually doing the Gilmore Girls anymore and we were trying to force them to let us do something else and get all Joss Whedon on their ass. That went so well for Buffy.
Amy: And we tried. We went to them very early — what was it, January? — to say, "Let's talk about this now."
Ausiello: Well, let's get into the longer version of the story, shall we?
Amy: Oh, you're adorable.
NovelChick: It's always great to be interviewed by someone not afraid to ask the tough questions. And yes, I am down to a size 10 and any association with Scientology has been grossly exaggerated.
Ausiello: The word on the street is that you guys wanted a two-year pickup. True?
Amy: I don't think "pickup" is the right word, because this was a personal deal; this had nothing to do with the show. Our deal ends, or ended, already. Basically, what the f--k am I doing in editing? I should be home. So, we, personally, as individual writers did not have a deal going forward. The show is picked up and the actors have a deal but we didn't have a deal. It wasn't so much about a pickup. We have gone year to year to year, and this year we decided that this charade is ridiculous. We want to be able to be around to protect the show for next year, the year after, for however long the show is up and running.
Dan: We were doing one-year contracts for the last two years and we felt like...
Amy: It's very exhausting to do a one-year contract.
NovelChick: It's really awful not being nominated for jack except at the Family Quality Awards or whatever. Not like the good old Roseanne days. Seriously, if you're not getting peer recognition what the hell is the point of all this? But we got our revenge on WB didn't we? Have you checked out the April storyline? Ha!
Dan: We felt like we wanted to be able to see more than 300 days into the future; we felt like we had earned that. And that was definitely one of our points. We wanted to play a significant role on Gilmore Girls for at least two more years, because as Amy has told you before, we feel like this show... it can weave and bob and change and mutate and keep going, because it's about family, it's about relationships, and it could keep going for two, three, who knows how many years.
NovelChick: It is a bummer not being able to plan more then a year in advance. We're totally blaming that for all the plot holes one could drive a fleet of HumVees through. Clearly if we knew we were going to be around longer we'd keep a damn storyboard tacked up somewhere but with the year to year thing it didn't seem worth the thumbtack hole in the wall.
Amy: [And] they have to launch a new network. They need product. Maybe they'll be very lucky and they'll have like 12 hit shows right off the bat this year, but we sort of felt like... we find ourselves in the position every year of doing this. Every year, it's like, "Oh, it's the last year! One more year! Come back for one more year!" And it's like, you know, kids, don't tell me "one more year" anymore. I'm so tired of hearing "one more year." It's exhausting. I firmly believe that as long as... I mean, Lauren Graham, every show she does something different. She grows more as an actress. These actors aren't done with their journey yet. And we feel like, sure, maybe it's the last year, but chances are, if it's a solid lead-in, if it does good numbers, if it helps them launch something, why wouldn't they want another year? That's not insane.
NovelChick: So true. On the other hand, the network people read the TWOP boards as does everyone in Tinseltown and they are seriously concerned that it went from one of the most active boards to not even being able to squeak out eleven pages of comments per episode. As opposed to something like LOST or Prison Break which usually has over a hundred. While asking for a two year contract is not at all over the top, it's not also completely insane for the network to want to know what the heck we are planning to do to fix this mess.
Ausiello: From the studio's standpoint, the cast isn't committed for an eighth year. So why would they go ahead and give you guys a two-year deal without a guarantee that any of the actors will be back?
Amy: (Sarcastically) Because we're special.
NovelChick: Well, I am. Besides, it's not like we need THOSE actors. We were really consdiering doing an antimated season next year and totally blowing off SAG.
Amy: Well, but you also get development. It's not like they're paying us to sit around and have cocktails.
NovelChick: They don't? Seriously? My contract has the specific number of Midori bottles that need to be in my suite at all times as well as a bartender on-call between 6-8 each day. AM and PM. You guys got shafted.
Amy:Because, believe me, if I was asking them to pay me to sit around and have cocktails, I'd understand them being a little upset. Look, it's business. Every time you pick up the trades and you read that some show runner is getting a two-year deal, that show could be canceled the following year, and then that deal continues. Also, deals have options... there are all sorts of things that go into deals. What we were asking for was not crazy. It was not insane. It was not the moon.
NovelChick: So...I made a few demands they weren't wild about. I carry a lot of tension in my shoulders, I need a masseur to follow me around. They're so cheap.
Amy: It was really about, frankly, protecting the show and about keeping us around so that as the show goes forward they don't have to panic every year: "Well, how do we move the show forward and who's going to be at the helm?" It would allow us to plan for one year, it would allow us to plan for two years. You know, a big part of making new deals with the actors would be telling them what that second year would be. Telling them what their stories will be. Telling them what their lives would be like. That's all stuff that we could have provided for 'em.
NovelChick: Naturally we didn't tell them what was in the works for this year. Clearly they all would have upchucked and quit on the spot. Some people are so damn demanding with little things like continuity.
Ausiello: If the show didn't end up coming back for that eighth season, what would have happened?
Amy: Then we would have cleaned [Warner Bros. TV president] Peter Roth's house for a year. For a whole year. I would do the laundry, and Dan would dust the CDs. NovelChick would have sat around by the pool and read People, charged a bunch of long distance phone calls and availed herself of Mrs. Roth's La Mer.
Dan: We never even got that far into the process. They just wanted to sign us for one year. We never got to talk about the logistics. We just sort of hit a wall with that request.
Amy: My biggest frustration, actually, was the fact that there was no dialogue. It was like we went to them and said, "This is what we would like," and they came back and said, "This is what we'll give you — take it or leave it." There was no chance for Dan and I and the studio to talk about what any of that would mean. And that's a little sad, a little frustrating, but you know what? It's business. They have a business model they need to stick to and we understand that.
Ausiello: When I spoke to you guys last year, Amy, you said you conceived Gilmore as a seven-year show, ending with Rory's graduation. Did you change your mind?
NovelChick: Well how the hell were we going to get paid if we didn't do more then seven years? And awards? We can't fold without an Emmy. We're going to keep this show on the air until it eclipses ER as the show voted most likely no one gives a damn about but runs a weekly promo that starts with The Most Intense Episode Ever.
Amy: It's not that. I conceived this show to be able to go seven years, because that's the whole point of conceiving a show. To me, if you're going to pitch a show and it can't go seven years, go back to the drawing board and figure out a different pitch. So, for me, if you're going to end the show at Year 7, that's fine, that is great. It would have been great to end at Year 7. It would have been, frankly, great to end at Year 6, because we could have found an end this year.
NovelChick: Yeah, we had this great plan were we totally ignored the end of the show and just left it like Luke and Loralei totally maybe getting married, April still screwing up and being annoying, Rory being a doormat, Logan being an asshat with no closure on his family situation and going away to London maybe or maybe jumping off something else like the Golden Gate and Sherrilyn Finn still puffy. It would be like the final middle finger being flipped at the network and all the fans who have stuck with us through this Godawful season. We were totally looking forward to it.
Dan: But we wanted to break Bonanza and Gunsmoke's record.
Amy: Yeah! Also, when you look at 7th Heaven being around for 10 years, there's no reason this show couldn't have gone on for 10 years.
NovelChick: Yeah, we are comparing ourselves to the most boring show that has spun so far away from it's original direction that not even my cats will watch it anymore. What are you going to do about it?
Amy: You know, if I felt like the show was just this train wreck, if I felt like the actors were sloughing off, if I felt like people were asleep at the wheel, it would've been different.
NovelChick: You know, like it is now.
Amy: But when you see stuff happening, and when scenes and moments happen that you didn't think could happen before, and when you add a kid like Matt Czuchry to the show and all of a sudden it brings in different layers and different stories and different textures, it's like, it doesn't have to end.
NovelChick: It's true. We could have tortured people for ages with this shit. It's a shame we won't be around next season so we can plug in that storyline about the alien pod people found in the attic of The Dragonfly.
Amy: And I'm not saying that next year won't be the last year. It could be, or it could go on. But from a business standpoint, us doing year-to-year deals at this point in our careers did not make any sense. It just didn't make any sense. And, frankly, it's very stressful for me every year not to know, "Do I end it this year? Do I not end it this year? What do I do?" Which has been the way it's been every single freakin' year.
Ausiello: From the fans' POV, you've been with the show for six years, next year could be the final year, you have the chance here to wrap things up in a nice bow, tell this whole story, give everyone closure, the whole thing. When it became clear that the studio wasn't going to budge on the two-year deal, did you ever consider going, "Look, screw it. We're going to stick around for this last year anyway. We're going to make it a great year. We're going to send the show out on a high note."
NovelChick: Fans? Who the hell cares about those losers? It's all about us and how we feel. You know how Luke and Loralei have never said I love you and have this really sterile and horrid physical thing going on? We love that. You should see what Amy said about it in another article.
Amy: Honey, there were many other issues that weren't about the two years. There were many production issues that we simply, physically, could not continue the show without — certain production concessions from the studio. And that, frankly, is a reality, also.
Ausiello: Can you say what any of those were?
Dan: For the six years, we've been working seven days a week, 'cause we knew every aspect of the show. We'd break every story, we'd edit, this last year we directed seven between ourselves, we have written 90-something scripts.
NovelChick: So like twelve scripts a season out of twenty-three. We're exhausted! For heaven's sake, look what John Smoltz makes and he only works like every third day MAYBE and nine months of the year. And he got a five year contract. I'm not writing another word until I get that deal. We also kept forgetting what we said episode to episode but again, screw the fans.
Amy: We also take a pass at all scripts that go out and by the time our season ends, by the time I'm done editing and by the time I'm done with sound mixes and everything like that, it's mid-May. We start back June 1. We work through every holiday... Christmas, Thanksgiving. It's been quite a load.
Dan: So, having done that for six years, we really wanted to expand our personnel base. We wanted more writers, more bodies in that writers' room, we wanted a director on staff, which I think every other hourlong show has, except ours. Not having that director on staff means Amy and I have to be down on stage supervising other directors, which leads to the seven-days-a-week thing. So we were needing more personnel. And we never got around to convincing people that that was absolutely necessary.
NovelChick: So you see, letting the quality of the show go to hell these last two seasons totally makes our case and put us in a better bargaining position. Well, we thought it would.
Amy: And part of the reason we went to the studio so early in the game is because we wanted to be able to go out and find writers then. And find a director-producer then. So that everything would be in place the following year. Because at this point in time, shows are being picked up, people are putting their schedules together, the marketplace is thin. Great people are being snapped up. And we went to the studio and said, "Look, give us a chance to get everything in place now. Let's have everyone sign up for next year. Let's start working on next year this year." I think it's a couple of things. Businesswise, we spoiled them, because why spend money on other writers when you don't have to? [Laughs] There's a little bit of that. And I also think that everybody thinks that everybody's playing poker, and who's going to blink first? And we were like, very honestly, like, in an Andy Hardy movie going, "No, seriously, we really want to put on a show in the barn if you just listen to us, mister!" And it just never got to that point. And it wasn't until things really came to a head that suddenly people realized, "The insane people are actually serious about this."
Ausiello: Moving away from the business part, how does it feel to be passing the show off to someone else just before what could potentially be its final year?
NovelChick: Meh. We were bored as hell anyway. It sort of chaps my ass that they told us to get lost before we had a final chance to completely alienate our fan base with The Most Forced and Ridiculous Plot Device Ever. By the way, we phone that in.
Amy: It's horrifying. It's like a freaking nightmare. And I know I speak for Dan, too.... Well, maybe I don't but I am speaking for Dan now, if we can't ensure the quality... every year we've tried to push the bar higher. For better or worse, whether people like it or don't like it, we tried to make our stories more complex.
NovelChick: And by that we mean totally out of context or having anything to do with the last season.
Amy: We try and push the quality higher.
NovelChick: We do? Oh.
Amy: When we go on location we want to make more of that. We want to do more interesting things. You know, this year we did our troubadour thing, which has been a long time coming. We personally push everything higher, and a lot of times in Year 6 or 7, show runners take steps back. Their lives get easier. And our lives only get harder.
NovelChick: Yeah, dude. What's harder than an bastard daughter who lived like ten miles away and you didn't know about? We totally stole that off Dynasty. We were going to make her Lane actually but Luke had no chemistry with MamaKim so we weren't sure anyone would buy it. So we went with a puffy Sherilynn.
Amy:And partially it's because we want to make things better and better and better until there's no more better to make. But also, if we can't do that as the kind of creative people we are, it's something.... I can't be a part of something that I can't ensure that I'm giving 100 percent anymore. If I'm saying, "I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I feel like I'm going to flip out and be a Margot Kidder in the hedges with my teeth gone at Episode 6 if I don't get some help," somebody should listen. Because, seriously, me without my teeth is even scarier than me with my teeth. We really wanted to be able to say, "Here's how we ensure the show — for the life of the show." If it's next year or the year after, we can ensure it. We have been begging for these things every single year, and every single year it gets harder and harder and harder, and it got to the point where it's like, "No. We've done a lot for you. We've done a lot for you. We've done a lot for this network and we've done a lot for this studio. We need you to do something for us. We need some relief. We need more writers, we need a director-producer, we need to know that this isn't the year that you get the last year of your show and I end up drooling into a cup."
NovelChick: In other words, we threatened them with a worse season then the current one but they said it couldn't be done.
Dan: I was willing to give 110 percent, which is 10 percent more than Amy.
NovelChick: I was really on prepared to give like 30 percent personally. That's the percent we gave this year.
Ausiello: Let's talk about the $5 million figure that's being thrown around. It sounds like they backed the Brink's truck up and you told them to move it.
Amy: First of all, it was all in shekels. Ha! Ha! Shekels! It's a funny word.
Dan: We would never comment on the specifics of money.
NovelChick: I totally would. I told them to shoot the gaurds, grab the money and let's make for the border. Now we're fired. Way to go.
Amy: We were raised better than that.
Dan: I haven't even told my parents how much our house cost nine years ago. We never talk about money. It's gauche, it's not classy. But having said that, I can tell you that we've never been unhappy with what we've been paid on this show.
Amy: Ever.
Dan: Ever. We were compensated very generously by the studio. What broke this deal was not at all, in any way, shape or form, about our compensation. Amy: It was a nonissue.
NovelChick: Hooooo! Yeah. Tell them that. Actually, it wasn't a money thing. It was that they axed our other show.
Ausiello: Let's talk about the creative. I don't know how much you guys read of what's out there, but there's been a rocky reception to some of the stuff that's happened this season, specifically regarding Luke and Lorelai and the return of Christopher. What is your reaction to what you may or may not be hearing?Amy: Look, we went through this in Season 4. We've been through this before.
NovelChick: Yeah, who the hell listens to the fans? That's so over in Hollywood. We're doing what we want and that's the bottom line. Tell them Amy.
Amy:People love you, they hate you, they love you, they hate you. That's the nature of drama. We don't read a lot of that stuff because, frankly, we don't have the energy to do that.
NovelChick: Ignornace is bliss. We don't care either. If you don't like April then screw you. I mean it totally worked for Cosby when they introduced a little moppet. Right? That worked right? Or on Happy Days? Or the Brady Bunch? It totally works everytime to keep people happy. When in doubt, fall back on a secret baby. I think we've all learned that from reading our Harlequins. We are thinking at the season finale we're going to have Rory strap on some waterskis and jump over this huge great white they've managed to contain off of the Huntsberger Martha's Vineyard house. Actually, Mitchum sent it there to eat Rory since he's such a bastard. He owns the shark. Of course, he'lllater tell it it has no journalistic skill and would make a great secretary or callgirl. Do you like his hair plugs? All rich bastards cheat on their wives and have hairplugs. It's the Hollywood law.
Amy: I will say what I've said before in this position, which is we've only done story lines that felt to us like the true place to take the characters.
NovelChick: Stop! Stop! Amy, you're killing me here!
Amy: I think that if you don't grow and move you die. I've always felt that. Luke and Lorelai are two very complex human beings. They are two people in their late thirties who, for some reason, have never comingled with anyone, never lived with anyone, never been married. And that kind of person brings baggage to a relationship. If you ignore that baggage and say, "Now they're in love and happy and they're skipping around the town square and everything's delightful," then I think you're doing a disservice to the characters and the story line and, in the end, I think we'd be getting slammed for, "Oh, Luke and Lorelai are so boring! All they do is skip in a circle now." I think that no matter what you're going to do, it's going to go up, it's going to go down. I feel that Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel have done some of the best work of their careers this year. And I think they deserve story lines that take them to new places. We have a responsibility to our actors, who are here 24 hours a day, who can't eat a pretzel because you have to be perfect and thin and gorgeous in front of the camera, and who have never let us down. Who have never stopped committing to the stories.
NovelChick: Yeah, we've never stopped committing to stupid storylines that only we think are good ideas. And we will continue to do so no matter what anyone thinks. But us. We totally care what we think. Television is not about who watches it. It's about those who write it. We're modeling ourselves after the David Lynch School of Thought.
Amy:And if they're going to do that then we've got to make sure that the stories are digging deeper, are getting more complex, are pushing forward, otherwise everybody will just sort of take a nap.
NovelChick: Which would be worse then them making out the grocery list, sorting and clipping coupons out of the Sunday circular which they've saved specifically to do during this hour since they know they really only need to watch out for Lane, Paris or Sebastian Bach since everyone else is pretty much stuck in one dimension. We got that from Passions.
Amy: While I never like people to be upset, especially our fans, because our fans have been so unbelievably loyal to us and have kept us where we are now...
NovelChick: Oh, you don't have to put up that front now that we're leaving. Everyone knows you don't care. Remember when everyone was like, hey, how can puffy Sherrilyn be Jess' father's girlfriend in California AND April's mom? And you were like I wanted to work with Puffy and so I am and bite me.
Amy: I mean we're up against the biggest year of American Idol ever and someone's still tuning in. So we're very fortunate to have these people in our lives and hopefully they will, as they've done before when they've gotten upset, hang around long enough to find out that things that go up also go down, go sideways and eventually come back around again. But I think I feel very comfortable in saying we did the right thing for the characters that we've created and we stayed true to who they were and we took them to new places. And that's also how you extend the life of a show. If you just kept them static and everything was happy and everybody was like, "Mama, look, a pretty tree!" How long can you look at a f--king pretty tree before you want to kill yourself?
Ausiello: Based on the mail I've been reading, a lot of fans don't buy the April obstacle. As you know, they were pissed off before she ever appeared on the screen. And at the time, you asked them to have a little faith. So, cut to April 24: April has driven a wedge between Luke and Lorelai. If the spoilers are to be believed (SPOILER ALERT), Lorelai will end up in Christopher's bed in the finale, and now you guys are leaving. It looks like you asked them to have faith, then you split Luke and Lorelai up, threw her in bed with Christopher, and quit. What do you have to say to that?
[Crickets]
Dan: I've got nothing to say to that.
Amy: Yeah, that's something. You know what, that's a good story line. We should use that.
NovelChick: Damn! You found out. Stupid TWOP. Look, it's not our responsibility to make fans happy. We said have faith and they did and we just expect them to forever now matter what we do. We write the show you know and so they have to take it. Were not interested in their ideas or thoughts or feelings. How many times do we have to tell you people to stop emailing us? We do not care!
Dan: You know, in the very beginning of the series, in the first year with Alexis Bledel with that beautiful baby face as Rory, if we had said in three years we're going to have this girl lose her virginity to a married man, our heads would've been chopped off, put on pikes and paraded around Burbank.
Amy: Which Warner. Bros. is still negotiating for, by the way. [Laughs]
NovelChick: Speak for yourself, sister. They recommended me for a writing gig over at Sci-Fi on Battlestar. It wins awards. They swear it has something to do with listening to people and tanking storylines that just suck. I have no idea what that means. I think I may listen to the podcast.
Dan: I'm basically repeating what Amy said: We try to follow the characters and we also try to make it as interesting as possible. And I've always felt with spoilers, a lot of people hear about a plot point seven episodes down the line without taking into account what happens in the episodes in between now and then. I've always sort of been astonished by that. That's why I say if in the first year you had heard that [about Rory], a lot of people would have turned off their televisions like, "This is going to turn into a soap opera." And that was a very controversial story line for us.
Amy: People were not happy with that.
NovelChick: Let them turn off the TV! We're not going to be around to wittness the carnage. We're the Enron of TV! Ha!
Dan: And even in our writers' room we had a lot of heated discussions about whether that's going to hurt the character and all that stuff, but Amy and I felt like that's where she would go, that's where her heart would go, that's her own flaw, because it wasn't the right thing to do. And we followed through on that flaw. In Year 5, we showed the ramifications of what happens when you sleep with your ex-boyfriend who is married. What are the ramifications for that man's wife? What are the ramifications for him? So, again, I completely agree with Amy that we've always just tried to follow the characters, tried to keep it interesting and always tried to keep it true to the characters, and the people who come after us are going to be doing the same thing.
Amy: And also I just really want to stress, we did not quit. Everything we put in place this year, we put in place so that we could continue it next year. And that's just the bottom line. This entire story line was in place so that Dan and I could continue it next year. So, if anyone thinks that I threw something at the fans — and why I would want to throw something upsetting at the fans when all they've done is support the show — it's a little nutty. We threw the story line out there because we knew where we were going next year.
Novelchick: Alien pods!
Amy: Dan and I knew. Now it's open to many different places for the next crew that comes in. I know it's not up to us to tell them where to go. They have to make that decision on their own. But everything we put into place we put into place fully expecting to continue it. This has been an awful, heartbreaking thing. When a deal falls apart because somebody wants a gazillion dollars and I demand that my parking space be painted pink and that every time I show up somebody sings "Once in Love with Amy," then fine, walk away. But what we asked for from the studio had nothing to do with money. Dan and I never even got around to discussing price, because we just wanted our other issues to be talked about first. We earned that, we deserved that, we should've gotten that and we should've been coming back next year. And that's my feeling. I'm very, very sorry we're not. This show has been my heart and my soul for six years. I dragged Dan away from a lovely room of boys doing fart jokes over at Family Guy to come play with the girls and, between the two of us, we have kept this show as fresh and alive and as hopping as it has been. And we have done nothing but devote every single aspect of our lives for the last six years to this show. We haven't had time to do anything else. We haven't breathed anything else. It never occurred to us. And now that it's over, we're very, very sad. But I need it very clear out there that we did not walk away. And what we asked for was absolutely, ridiculously within our rights to get. And I feel like without it, the show really would've not done well next year because we just couldn't have maintained this high-wire act that we've been on for this long.
Ausiello: What happens to your seven-year plan now? What happens to the last two lines of the show that only you know?
Amy: Well, I think that you have to look for another two lines now.
[Crickets]
Ausiello: So, there's no hope that your story...
NovelChick: NO! It's ours and we're not sharing. You wanted it, you should have let us continue to make viewers crazy with dumb crap that a two year old would catch like when Christopher's parents came over and got in a huge fight with Chris and Loralei and Rory and Emily and Richard and they stormed out. Then last season we killed off Strom and they were sooooo sad. We live to screw up. If they don't get another Seinfeldesque ending that leaves the viewers toatlly pissed then that's their own fault.
Amy: It's not my story anymore, honey. No one's consulting me. No one's talking to me. No one's asking me about anything next year. I don't know what's in the budget. I don't know who's being hired. The minute the studio decided they're moving on, they moved on. I'm out of the loop.
Ausiello: Well, I can tell you that Dave Rosenthal is taking over.
Amy: We know Dave Rosenthal. We hired him.
Ausiello: Is the show in good hands?
Amy: Dave's a great guy. He's a great guy. He has credits up the arse.
Ausiello: One of those credits is Good Morning, Miami.
[Dan chuckles]
Amy: Well, he also did Spin City.
NovelChick: And since that bears as much resemblance to the Gilmore Girls as it does my ass, we're very confident he'll totally screw up and they'll come back begging for us.
Dan: Don't look too closely at Amy's and my credits going back. You'll find something in all of our résumés.
NovelChick: Hey, I did not work on Roseanne! My resume is spotless.
Dan: We hired David as an executive producer, perhaps even in anticipation of either leaving or getting more people so that we could delegate a little more, and it's really, really worked. They'll have to hire a bunch of new people.
Amy: They need to hire some major writers because they don't have a staff right now.
Ausiello: How should fans feel about Dave?
Amy: First of all, the fans are not focused on Dave Rosenthal. Dave came to the show with us, he saw our style of story-breaking. The fans should take a step back, take a breath and give it a shot on its own merits.
NovelChick: Yeah, it's always possible he didn't listen when we told him to ignore the fans. He may take the show somewhere that makes sense. He may have a storyboard. That would be awful!
Amy: It's really going to come down to how much support David gets, because it's a very, very, very big job that he's inherited. He's inherited everything that Dan and I do, and they've got to make sure to support him and give him what he needs so that he can continue to focus on the quality of the show.
Ausiello: Might you guys consult?
Amy: No.
Ausiello: If next year is the last year, is there a possibility of you guys going back to do the finale?
Amy: There's been no talk of that.
Ausiello: But is it a possibility?
Dan: We're living a day at a time here, Mike.
Amy: Dude, I plan on being on crack in an hour. I'm going to be with Whitney Houston in that bathroom of hers.
NovelChick: I'm going to Versace. And then I'm going to Canyon Ranch. Then I'm going to Paris to this cute little cafe near Montemarte and then...
Ausiello: So you wouldn't rule out returning for the finale?
Amy: A lot of it's gonna depend on where the show goes next year. I have very strong, emotional feelings about things — some are rational, some are not. [Laughs] It's going to be a whole different trip next year, with different story lines that don't come out of my head, so I think that's something that's really hard to talk about at this point. Especially since I plan on being drunk the entire year.
NovelChick: Well, that explains the last three episodes. I guess you got started early. Who are you to alienate yourself by checking out of our dreary jobs ahead of schedule?
Ausiello: How did the cast take the news?
Amy: They're all going to kill themselves. No, what are they going to do? They're all sweet and they're all very supportive, and I'm sure they're all surprised and a little freaked. We've been keeping them apprised of everything. Months ago when we went to [Warner Bros.] and nothing was happening, Lauren and I talked. I said, "Nothing's happening. We've gone to them and we're hearing nothing." I don't think this is a complete and utter shock, because they are my actors and my first responsibility is to them. I certainly wouldn't want them shocked. And then the minute it fell apart, I went and talked to them directly and told them. That was before we wrapped.
Ausiello: Are they concerned about next year?
Amy: We didn't have that talk. Our talk was more, "I love you, we'll e-mail, we'll have drinks, now we can go shopping, I'll miss you," and End Scene. And then Lauren had to get back on a plane and go to Virginia because she's shooting a movie. Look, they know David. David's been here. I think that any change is jarring to people. We've been together as a group since the pilot. We went to Niagara Falls together. We're a tight-knit group. It was not a group that was ready to be broken apart, so I'm sure that's going to freak some people out. But they're pros. And they're great. And they could read the phone book and people are going to love it, because they're that good.
NovelChick: We totally had that written in next year. Right before the shark jumping.
Amy:So I don't think that they should be throwing up or shaking. I'll do that for all of them.
Ausiello: Will you watch the show next year?
(Crickets)
Dan: I... I... yes. We will.
NovelChick: Is American Idol keeping it's time slot? Anyone?
Ausiello: What would've happened next year in your plan?
Amy: I can't do that. Someone else is going to get stories going and I can't...
Dan: And honestly, Mike, while we always have a notion of where we're going, we're never 100 percent sure. We get into it in June as we're starting each year, and we dive into all the complexities and think of all the possible scenarios.
Amy: And we can't tell you because new people are coming in and it's not cool for us to say, "Well, we would've done this!" Give these new guys a shot. It's a hard show. I'm sure they'll be just as dedicated and care just as much about it as we did. It could be the best year ever.
NovelChick: I will! Okay, after the discovery of the Pod People, we find out that Sookie is an alien and that Jackson went insane and killed three truckers in Florida. Then Rory and Logan become narks and get hooked in the seedy underworld of drugs and prostitution and that terrorist end up controlling their minds with strange glowing space orbs. Loralei will go off to join the Peace Corp when it is revealed that Luke is a vampire. Paris and Doyle will take over the campus guerilla style and be killed but frozen in a chamber. Lane and Zack will join the FBI and she will pose as a stripper. April becomes a CSI, drives a Hummer and solves cases because the police are totally into letting CSI people be in charge. Is that everyone? Oh, no. Richard and Emily. We finally find out that Loralei senior did leave them money and a trust for Rory and Loralie since they were her namesakes and all. But the money is embezzled by Kirk who is the secret love child of Richard and one of the maids.
Ausiello: Can you at least tell me if, per your plan, Luke and Lorelai would've gotten married?
Amy: I can't. I don't want to do anything like that. I just don't. Because I don't know where they're going. They could have this great story line planned out that has Luke and Lorelai joining the Russian mafia and being on opposite sides of covert actions, which, by the way, sounds pretty good. I may call Dave right now.
NovelChick: Nope. We don't want to spoil the O.C crossover episode.
Dan: I don't like that story.
Amy: [Laughs] For me to go, "That's what I would've done, here's my plan... " Look, that's something that I've got to deal with, man. I've got to wake up and go, "S--t. That last scene that I was going to do? Not going to happen." That's something that I have to deal with.
Ausiello: If next year is the final year, will you tell me what those last two words were?
Amy: Yes, I will. I promise you. You've got my word.
Dan: They're sitting in a safe-deposit box in Switzerland.
NovelChick: Whatever. What am I bid? Oh fine, the last two words were Nasal Congestion.
Amy: Last four words, actually.
NovelChick: They were Earn More Sessions By...
Ausiello: Really?
Amy: Yeah.
Ausiello: What are you going to do now?
Amy: Drugs. Lots of drugs. No, I'm working on a little something for MTV with RJ Cutler that I'm kind of excited about that I've been trying to find time for the last 185 years, and now I have time. And other than that I think we're going to travel, and then Dan and I are going to figure out what's next. We're going to do some movies, some TV and we're going to keep ourselves out of the mall. We're going to keep really busy. We've got to look at this not just from sadness, we've got to look at it like, "S--t. All those little notebooks with story ideas we've been jotting down for over six years? Now we get to do something with them." Once I sober up, that's how I plan on looking at everything.
Ausiello: Should I assume you won't be working with Warner Bros. ever again?Amy: Oh, honey, you can't say that. Who thought we would be at the WB past Year 4? I have no f--kin' idea what my life is about now. Warner Bros. made a business decision. I don't think they made a creative decision. We made a creative decision, and that's where we couldn't meet. We were thinking from two different sides of our brains.
NovelChick: Yeah. They've tapped me to direct the new Harry Potter.
THE END. DISCUSS AMONGST YOURSELVES.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Friday Fun! What's in a name...Find Out!
Pimp Name (For street credibility purposes)
Jedi Name (For nerdy purposes)
Hobbit Name (For your TLoTR meeting)
Fairy Name (I'm not sure but you really can't have too many fake names)
Vampire Name (Hold your head high in your Court)
Prison Bitch (Let's hope you never need this one but just in case, be prepared)
Reggae Name (Are you headed to Jamaica?)
Porn Name (What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas)
Papal Name (Another one that you may want to have for emergencies)
Biker Name (If you're thinking about hitting Biker Week)
Drag Queen Name (This is a scream! You gotta do this one!)
Viking Name (What you and your partner do with this one is none of my business)
Pirate Name (See above)
Rock Star Name (You never know when a big time producer will have a flat in front of your place and knock on your door)
Professional Wrestler Name (You never know when Vince whatshisname will have a flat tire and knock on your door. I would suggest an immediate call to 911 should it happen. While waiting for them to get there, you can use this name.)
Jedi Name (For nerdy purposes)
Hobbit Name (For your TLoTR meeting)
Fairy Name (I'm not sure but you really can't have too many fake names)
Vampire Name (Hold your head high in your Court)
Prison Bitch (Let's hope you never need this one but just in case, be prepared)
Reggae Name (Are you headed to Jamaica?)
Porn Name (What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas)
Papal Name (Another one that you may want to have for emergencies)
Biker Name (If you're thinking about hitting Biker Week)
Drag Queen Name (This is a scream! You gotta do this one!)
Viking Name (What you and your partner do with this one is none of my business)
Pirate Name (See above)
Rock Star Name (You never know when a big time producer will have a flat in front of your place and knock on your door)
Professional Wrestler Name (You never know when Vince whatshisname will have a flat tire and knock on your door. I would suggest an immediate call to 911 should it happen. While waiting for them to get there, you can use this name.)
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Fame! I'm gonna hate synopsis forever...
I finished the synopsis! Let the streets fill with people doing the FAME dance! Hmmm, looking out the window I'm not seeing anyone. Well, there's my neighbor doing a little Rumba type thing down to the mailbox but that's pretty normal. Fine.
But it is done! And I'm sending the thing to Trident this afternoon. I have to sign my cool release form and fax it to them. I could mail it but I think it would get into the read pile faster this way. I told my husband (Chasing The Fluency God) that being an agent is sort of the last truly one person, no helpful technology thing you can do. One person reading manuscripts and going with their gut. That's what the job is. You can't zip it through a computer program or have fifteen people for voice and story. It's just you and the paper. And about 3000 manuscripts a month. Hats off to the agents.
So now I believe I'll shoot off the last of the A list group any synopsis type stuff they need and it will be a waiting game for awhile.
But it is done! And I'm sending the thing to Trident this afternoon. I have to sign my cool release form and fax it to them. I could mail it but I think it would get into the read pile faster this way. I told my husband (Chasing The Fluency God) that being an agent is sort of the last truly one person, no helpful technology thing you can do. One person reading manuscripts and going with their gut. That's what the job is. You can't zip it through a computer program or have fifteen people for voice and story. It's just you and the paper. And about 3000 manuscripts a month. Hats off to the agents.
So now I believe I'll shoot off the last of the A list group any synopsis type stuff they need and it will be a waiting game for awhile.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Whatever happened to...
Last night at bible study there was a question that got me thinking (we're doing a great Beth Moore study Jesus the One and Only) about how we really live in an overexposed world. I didn't worry about so much stuff fifteen years ago because I didn't know it was there to worry about. I never thought about my cellphone giving me cancer or how bad MSG was for me or exactly what would happen if the two best looking people on the planet mated (but if you want to know please review a post from February Ode To the Brangelina Child). Anyway, all this got me to thinking about some folks and whatever happened to them. Some of you probably have better answers than I but here we go...
Mark Wohlers- Yes, that cute as pie pitcher for Atlanta. I'm not giving you his biography because you're perfectly capable of going to Wikipedia yourselves. But from what I can find, he is happily remarried and has a new baby and is retired from the game and I know where (NovelChicks spies are everywhere) but I feel like if he wanted others to know, he'd have a website or a blog or something. Mark, Atlanta letting you go will always be their biggest mistake to me. In fact, the year that you left I cursed the Braves. I said they would never win another world series without you. My husband scoffed. And now? He's begging me to remove it. Ha! So, I may be willing to remove the curse if you email me and tell me it's okay with you. And no, Chasing The Fluency God, I will not be duped by any phony Mark Wohlers emails. Oh, and the darling Jeff Franceour is not one bit cuter then you were. Sure you could just eat him up with a spoon but I could say the same about you back then. Except for the hair. What happened there?
The Metric Conversion Act- I still drive 55 miles per hour, buy gas in gallons, order Quarter Pounders and measure off 10 tablespoons of butter and a cup of milk when I make scones. So what happened here? Why did we waste all of that time and energy sitting through endless conversion tests in middle school? No idea. Apparently the whole 'scaring us as children would make us volunteer to go metric as adults' just didn't work as anticipated. In 1988, Congress tried a more direct with the Omnibus Trade and Competitiveness Act. One part amended the previous Metric Conversion Act to mandate that all federal agencies implement the metric system in all business-related activities. On July 25, 1991, President Bush issued Executive Order 12770, Metric Usage in Federal Government Programs, mandating the transition to metric measurement for all federal agencies (although I'm fairly sure that he couldn't convert a pound into grams if his life depended on it). Thus U.S. law requires use of the metric system. But when? Well, in the American school systems ongoing efforts to clot up the brains of the young with useless information, no doubt they will continue their pursuit of making a nine year old convert feet to millimeters using some incomprehensible word problem forever while the simple act of teaching them how to balance a damn checkbook is ignored. So the answer is much in the same way this ordinance is at times I am sure disregarded, Roswell City Ordinance (Article 29, Chapter 29.5, Section 29.5.2, Subsection (2), that those who choose to honor this will and those who choose not to, no one is going to check on.
Killer Bee Swarms of Africa- Remember when you saw The Swarm and you were totally freaked out by any insect thereafter for months? Turns out the Killer Bees ain't all that tough. They aren't any more potent then your average honey bee, all the panic comes because they just attack in large numbers so you're likely to get stung a lot. As it turns out, the Africanized honey bee is sort of...a wuss. It doesn't survive in the cold, it doesn't store adequate food supplies and it can get the crap beat out of it by your average European honey bee. A few have wandered up from Central America to Texas but for the most part, nothing. So you can stop stocking up on Raid and apiary fashions.
John Rocker- This was made easier because he has a website. Apparently after starring in this beauty (Which I am so sorry to say I have never seen. I have Netflixed it, moved it to the top of my list and I'm willing to throw myself on the altar of martyrdom and not only watch it but recap it for you guys. See how I love you?) The Greenskeeper, which is about a crazy serial killer who knocks off a bunch of teens at a golf course. Anywhoodles, I visited John Rocker's Web Page. Frankly, I could write a two hundred page article on this website alone but let me just give you this....he now has long hair AND at the top of his webpage is a picture of him holding a KITTEN. He looks like Kip Winger. A visit here is well worth your time.
John Bobbit- Yes, yes, we all heard rumors of the porn career but here's the scoop. After his reattachment surgery, John enjoyed a brief career as a porn star oddity, appearing in the movies Frankenpenis and John Wayne Bobbitt … Uncut (and I refuse to post any links to these), in part to finance the operation which reattached his penis. In "Frankenpenis", Bobbitt played a character who was made with spare parts and whose penis inexplicably comes off during a rousing (hee.) session of intercourse. Bobbitt then moans, "Oh no, not again" (I got that straight from Wikipedia and it is their quote. Could I make that up? I wish I was that talented.). In 1996, John Bobbitt moved to Nevada, where he worked in a brothel (no word on which one), as a bartender, a tow truck operator and a minister in Vegas. After divorcing Lorena, he married Dottie Brewer and Joanna Ferrell (apparently not at the same time but I don't think anyone would have been shocked). After two trials for domestic abuse in 2004 (he was convicted in one) he was arrested for a third offense in September 2005. No word on his current whereabouts but I'm going to guess he's wearing an orange jumpsuit. I'll get my spies to work on this one.
UPDATE: Novelchicks spies (let's call them the Chicklets) have found John living in Las Vegas. He has recently been in the custody of the Nevada Department of Corrections (via Churchill County) for a probation violation stemming from his earlier domestic abuse conviction.
Mark Wohlers- Yes, that cute as pie pitcher for Atlanta. I'm not giving you his biography because you're perfectly capable of going to Wikipedia yourselves. But from what I can find, he is happily remarried and has a new baby and is retired from the game and I know where (NovelChicks spies are everywhere) but I feel like if he wanted others to know, he'd have a website or a blog or something. Mark, Atlanta letting you go will always be their biggest mistake to me. In fact, the year that you left I cursed the Braves. I said they would never win another world series without you. My husband scoffed. And now? He's begging me to remove it. Ha! So, I may be willing to remove the curse if you email me and tell me it's okay with you. And no, Chasing The Fluency God, I will not be duped by any phony Mark Wohlers emails. Oh, and the darling Jeff Franceour is not one bit cuter then you were. Sure you could just eat him up with a spoon but I could say the same about you back then. Except for the hair. What happened there?
The Metric Conversion Act- I still drive 55 miles per hour, buy gas in gallons, order Quarter Pounders and measure off 10 tablespoons of butter and a cup of milk when I make scones. So what happened here? Why did we waste all of that time and energy sitting through endless conversion tests in middle school? No idea. Apparently the whole 'scaring us as children would make us volunteer to go metric as adults' just didn't work as anticipated. In 1988, Congress tried a more direct with the Omnibus Trade and Competitiveness Act. One part amended the previous Metric Conversion Act to mandate that all federal agencies implement the metric system in all business-related activities. On July 25, 1991, President Bush issued Executive Order 12770, Metric Usage in Federal Government Programs, mandating the transition to metric measurement for all federal agencies (although I'm fairly sure that he couldn't convert a pound into grams if his life depended on it). Thus U.S. law requires use of the metric system. But when? Well, in the American school systems ongoing efforts to clot up the brains of the young with useless information, no doubt they will continue their pursuit of making a nine year old convert feet to millimeters using some incomprehensible word problem forever while the simple act of teaching them how to balance a damn checkbook is ignored. So the answer is much in the same way this ordinance is at times I am sure disregarded, Roswell City Ordinance (Article 29, Chapter 29.5, Section 29.5.2, Subsection (2), that those who choose to honor this will and those who choose not to, no one is going to check on.
Killer Bee Swarms of Africa- Remember when you saw The Swarm and you were totally freaked out by any insect thereafter for months? Turns out the Killer Bees ain't all that tough. They aren't any more potent then your average honey bee, all the panic comes because they just attack in large numbers so you're likely to get stung a lot. As it turns out, the Africanized honey bee is sort of...a wuss. It doesn't survive in the cold, it doesn't store adequate food supplies and it can get the crap beat out of it by your average European honey bee. A few have wandered up from Central America to Texas but for the most part, nothing. So you can stop stocking up on Raid and apiary fashions.
John Rocker- This was made easier because he has a website. Apparently after starring in this beauty (Which I am so sorry to say I have never seen. I have Netflixed it, moved it to the top of my list and I'm willing to throw myself on the altar of martyrdom and not only watch it but recap it for you guys. See how I love you?) The Greenskeeper, which is about a crazy serial killer who knocks off a bunch of teens at a golf course. Anywhoodles, I visited John Rocker's Web Page. Frankly, I could write a two hundred page article on this website alone but let me just give you this....he now has long hair AND at the top of his webpage is a picture of him holding a KITTEN. He looks like Kip Winger. A visit here is well worth your time.
John Bobbit- Yes, yes, we all heard rumors of the porn career but here's the scoop. After his reattachment surgery, John enjoyed a brief career as a porn star oddity, appearing in the movies Frankenpenis and John Wayne Bobbitt … Uncut (and I refuse to post any links to these), in part to finance the operation which reattached his penis. In "Frankenpenis", Bobbitt played a character who was made with spare parts and whose penis inexplicably comes off during a rousing (hee.) session of intercourse. Bobbitt then moans, "Oh no, not again" (I got that straight from Wikipedia and it is their quote. Could I make that up? I wish I was that talented.). In 1996, John Bobbitt moved to Nevada, where he worked in a brothel (no word on which one), as a bartender, a tow truck operator and a minister in Vegas. After divorcing Lorena, he married Dottie Brewer and Joanna Ferrell (apparently not at the same time but I don't think anyone would have been shocked). After two trials for domestic abuse in 2004 (he was convicted in one) he was arrested for a third offense in September 2005. No word on his current whereabouts but I'm going to guess he's wearing an orange jumpsuit. I'll get my spies to work on this one.
UPDATE: Novelchicks spies (let's call them the Chicklets) have found John living in Las Vegas. He has recently been in the custody of the Nevada Department of Corrections (via Churchill County) for a probation violation stemming from his earlier domestic abuse conviction.
Tawney Kitaen-Since shaking it on the hood of Whitesnake's car, things have been going downhill. On December 13, 2001, Kitaen was arrested for allegedly vandalizing another woman's automobile (no word as to why that I can find). On April 1, 2002, she was arrested and charged with attacking the father of her two kids, Mr. Finley ( the baseball player). All hundred pounds of her reportedly brutalized the professional athlete by kicking him several times with her high-heeled boots, and severely twisting his ear, leaving a booboo. She admitted shortly afterwards that she had become addicted to prescription medications. She got slapped with a restraining order, lost her kids temporarily and had to undergo drug abuse counseling. The judge also ordered her to issue a written apology, after she told whoever was actually listening to the Howard Stern Show in September 2003 that she had been forced to plead guilty, that she had never abused drugs and that she was actually the victim of her steroid and alcohol abusing husband. I'm not coming down on either side of this, I'll just say that as a rule if one's doing it, both are doing it.
Y2K Survivalist- We all heard it ad nauseum. Think of a dead national power grid. It's winter in the northern hemisphere, where most of the world's production takes place. All heat ceases for high-rise apartments and offices. Their water pipes freeze and crack, ready for a thaw. All municipal water/sewer systems cease functioning as soon as they run out of back-up diesel fuel. The fire department can't put out fires without water. The public can't bathe or get safe drinking water out of the tap. There are no flush toilets. The ground outside is frozen solid. Diseases begin to spread through the cities; these will become epidemics when things begin to thaw. The banks are down, so no one gets a paycheck. The police then quit to stay home and protect their families. Looting begins. The stores are stripped by panic buying or thieves in just one day. Gasoline can't be pumped: no electricity. No privately owned trucks come in re-stock the shelves: no means of payment. The military seals off all main highways out of the cities, to keep the roads open to get emergency supplies in and get the trucks back out, so they can make return trips. City dwellers are now locked in: martial law. Meanwhile, almost all railroad traffic has ceased, meaning no grain is shipped from the farms to the cities. The military can barely feed itself. Food riots start before the end of the first 30 days of the power failure. Famine appears before 60 days are over. And ...it didn't happen. So where are these folks who had their teeth pulled in anticipation of no future dental care? Those that raised their own sheep for clothing? Bought isolated land and put everything they had into underground bunkers, generators and wells? Gary North (who was the author of the above) and Ed Yourdon are both alive, well and still talking about the downfall of society. Apparently a very popular mindset amongst former Y2Kers is that Y2K did take place in some form and that there is a government conspiracy to cover it up. Those aren't the people I'm interested in. I want to know how the people who were stockpiling enough MREs for eight years and learned to ground their own wheat feel. Relieved? Pissed? Embarressed? Okay? And the answer is...I don't know. I visited several of the big Y2K boards and a few survivalist webrings and they are for the most part deserted. So what happened to them? I'm not making fun of them by any means but I'd like to know. If you know one of these folks, do a little interview and let me know. I'm considering emailing a few of them from these web boards and just asking them what's been going on since then, their opinion about what happened and what they have done with any survivalist gear since then.
Synopsised Out
Well, it's done. Or I think it's done. My new and improved synopsis theory? Here's the basics, if you want to know more, read the damn book. Like I said before, they have to enjoy the first thirty pages enough to go on to the synopsis anyway. So, without much further ado (maybe a tiny bit of ado) I will be sending it off, not just to the wonderous Jenny Bent, but to whomever else needed a synopsis in their package. Why not?
Monday, April 17, 2006
Synopsis
I'm seriously bad at writing a synopsis. It's supposed to be a who what where thing. Mine is like Huh? Why? What are you talking about? Taken out of context, the book makes no sense. It sounds like a Kafka novel. A bad one even. I got gay hairdressers, midgets, designer shoes, Bridezilla, bounty hunters, strippers and tango contests. How did I even write this thing?
Friday, April 14, 2006
Easter
Many years ago the in 1 A.D. several merchants met in a secret Roman Bath House and put together a plan...
Hallmarkus: Hey, you guys remember that dude they killed in Calvary last year?
Hickorius: The guy who started that whole washing in the Jordan thing? Apparently insanity runs in that family. You know the guy who did that was a total nutcase. Joe? Jeff? John?
Bracho: I loved that guys work! You should have seen Caesar. All downfall this and damnation that. Let's kill a bunch of kids! What a hoot!
Cadburian: I read they think he rose up from the dead like three days later. Those crazy Jews! Too much Manischewitz wine. Hey, Hallmarkus, your towels slipping there.
Hickorius: Geez, dude, cover that up. We're going to get some sort of reputation for going to these places. Anyway, I heard a bunch of that guy's friends...what was his name?
Cadburian: Emmanuel?
Bracho: No, no. It was like Lamda or Lambius...
Hallmarkus: They called him Lamb of God! Don't you guys read the Jerusalem Post or the Roman Tattler or what? The manager of my tablet shop in Calvary couldn't shut up about it.
Bracho: Whatever. What's your point? I'd rather talk about gladiators. Did you see Adulus last week? I love him.
Hickorus: Hey, stop talking like that. You're making me uncomfortable being naked and sweaty with you. Anyway, I hear a bunch of his folks are meeting up for some sort of big do.
Cadburian: And? The Jews are always celebrating. Why? I have no idea. Maybe we should tax them more. Hey anyone been to the new vomitorium that just opened on Chariot and Portia?
Hickorus: Well I was thinking there might be some way for us to, I don't know...Capitalize on this.
Cadburian: Hmmmm, trade on the most grievous event in the history of the world thus far? It is after all the Roman way. I like it. What's your plan? T-shirts? Shot glasses? I'm trying to put together enough to retire in Greece. That Nero weirds me out. I want out of Rome before he takes the throne and...well, I'm not sure but let's just say that I think his parents being brother and sister may not have been such a hot idea.
Hickorus: Well, after consulting with my Quorum of Directors, we at Hickorus Farms have
decided that there is no better way to celebrate the resurrection of Christ then with a ham.
Brachus: A ham? And for your information my wife is my sister and my kids are fine!
Hickorus: Your kids are crossed eyed. As I was saying, spiral cut, tender, succulent ham. People will wait in line for hours to get one.
Brachus: Exactly the same as for Adulus.
Cadburian: Ummm, sure. Did it escape your notice that most of these people are JEWISH? They're not going to touch a ham.
Hickorus: Don't be silly. Our brilliant ad campaign will wear them down eventually. Ham-It's not just for the Unclean anymore. What do you think?
Hallmarkus: Not bad. Hey, maybe we could start some sort of fad where they have the whole extended family over and snipe at each other for several hours each eventually going home to bitch about the other people until the next holiday. That would show them! How do we get a piece of the action?
Hickorus: Well, I was thinking you are a provider of writing tablets. What if you etched something nice on them, some stupid sloppy sentiment, and sold them for people to give to each other.
Hallmarkus: And they would say....
Cadburian: Sorry we tortured and killed your Savior? Not.
Hallmarkus: No...you know what we need? We need a mascot. A guy dieing on a cross with a crown of thorns isn't going to put anyone in the mood to spend money. They'll all think it's inappropriate and go to Temple and wail and cover themselves in sack cloth. They're such drama queens.
Brachus: How about a tiger? Adulus fought one the other night.
Cadburian: No. It needs to be something cute and fuzzy so the kids will beg to have one and then discard it like four hours later.
Brachus: A ferret?
Hallmarkus: I have it! A rabbit! Like a little one. A bunny! That's it! A bunny. It can be a magic bunny that goes around and leaves them baskets of crap. Parents will be forced to spend their hard earned lira on ham and tablets and...Hey, Brachus, doesn't your family make something sweet?
Brachus: Yeah! We could fill those baskets with sweets that would rot out the little rug rats teeth! My brother is a barber so he totally would make a fortune pulling teeth. He's thinking of specializing. He worked on Adulus last month.
Hallmarkus: Dude, did not. I've been to your brother and I think his parents were brother and sister too. So back to the baskets...
Cadburian: We've totally been experimenting in something called cacao over at my factory. The slaves might be able to make it into bunny shapes. I could try beating them until they do. You know what would be easier? Eggs. Can we tie in eggs?
Hallmarkus: Eggs? Bunnies don't lay eggs. Oh! I got it! Chicks! Little bitty fuzzy ones. You know before they grow up and get nasty.
Brachus: Yeah. I've been working on this gooey white stuff. I wonder if I could mold it into something like that. It's pretty disgusting and no one is buying so we have a huge pile of it. Not too many repeat customers for it. Once they taste it we don't usually here another peep out of them. What to call it?
Hallmarkus: So we're agreed. I'll do hams, Hallmarkus is going to craft some cutesy, dippy tablets, Brachus you're going to make something out of goo and Cadburian, you're going to handle making something out of eggs and possibly bunnies. I think that we have formulated an excellent way to suck those folks in. Well, I'm starting to prune so I'm off to the pool. Hey, I think I'm going to have my litter carried over to my brother-in-laws later. His toga business has been off especially in the children's sizes. I bet he could whip up some absurdly over-priced and uncomfortable things that we'll convince parents the kids have to wear to Temple or they'll be talked about. Hoo! This is gonna be fun!
(and before I get three hundred emails telling me I'm all prejudice, I'm not. I'm making fun of the bizarre retail that has sprung up around Easter. I spent my morning dying eggs with my two year old and I have no idea why we did it. We bought her a bunny at Borders last weekend. Why? I've spent about thirty dollars buying crap for a basket I have to put out in the middle of the night like it was left there by a giant rabbit. This makes no sense unless it was all a conspiracy that someone thought up at some point.)
Hallmarkus: Hey, you guys remember that dude they killed in Calvary last year?
Hickorius: The guy who started that whole washing in the Jordan thing? Apparently insanity runs in that family. You know the guy who did that was a total nutcase. Joe? Jeff? John?
Bracho: I loved that guys work! You should have seen Caesar. All downfall this and damnation that. Let's kill a bunch of kids! What a hoot!
Cadburian: I read they think he rose up from the dead like three days later. Those crazy Jews! Too much Manischewitz wine. Hey, Hallmarkus, your towels slipping there.
Hickorius: Geez, dude, cover that up. We're going to get some sort of reputation for going to these places. Anyway, I heard a bunch of that guy's friends...what was his name?
Cadburian: Emmanuel?
Bracho: No, no. It was like Lamda or Lambius...
Hallmarkus: They called him Lamb of God! Don't you guys read the Jerusalem Post or the Roman Tattler or what? The manager of my tablet shop in Calvary couldn't shut up about it.
Bracho: Whatever. What's your point? I'd rather talk about gladiators. Did you see Adulus last week? I love him.
Hickorus: Hey, stop talking like that. You're making me uncomfortable being naked and sweaty with you. Anyway, I hear a bunch of his folks are meeting up for some sort of big do.
Cadburian: And? The Jews are always celebrating. Why? I have no idea. Maybe we should tax them more. Hey anyone been to the new vomitorium that just opened on Chariot and Portia?
Hickorus: Well I was thinking there might be some way for us to, I don't know...Capitalize on this.
Cadburian: Hmmmm, trade on the most grievous event in the history of the world thus far? It is after all the Roman way. I like it. What's your plan? T-shirts? Shot glasses? I'm trying to put together enough to retire in Greece. That Nero weirds me out. I want out of Rome before he takes the throne and...well, I'm not sure but let's just say that I think his parents being brother and sister may not have been such a hot idea.
Hickorus: Well, after consulting with my Quorum of Directors, we at Hickorus Farms have
decided that there is no better way to celebrate the resurrection of Christ then with a ham.
Brachus: A ham? And for your information my wife is my sister and my kids are fine!
Hickorus: Your kids are crossed eyed. As I was saying, spiral cut, tender, succulent ham. People will wait in line for hours to get one.
Brachus: Exactly the same as for Adulus.
Cadburian: Ummm, sure. Did it escape your notice that most of these people are JEWISH? They're not going to touch a ham.
Hickorus: Don't be silly. Our brilliant ad campaign will wear them down eventually. Ham-It's not just for the Unclean anymore. What do you think?
Hallmarkus: Not bad. Hey, maybe we could start some sort of fad where they have the whole extended family over and snipe at each other for several hours each eventually going home to bitch about the other people until the next holiday. That would show them! How do we get a piece of the action?
Hickorus: Well, I was thinking you are a provider of writing tablets. What if you etched something nice on them, some stupid sloppy sentiment, and sold them for people to give to each other.
Hallmarkus: And they would say....
Cadburian: Sorry we tortured and killed your Savior? Not.
Hallmarkus: No...you know what we need? We need a mascot. A guy dieing on a cross with a crown of thorns isn't going to put anyone in the mood to spend money. They'll all think it's inappropriate and go to Temple and wail and cover themselves in sack cloth. They're such drama queens.
Brachus: How about a tiger? Adulus fought one the other night.
Cadburian: No. It needs to be something cute and fuzzy so the kids will beg to have one and then discard it like four hours later.
Brachus: A ferret?
Hallmarkus: I have it! A rabbit! Like a little one. A bunny! That's it! A bunny. It can be a magic bunny that goes around and leaves them baskets of crap. Parents will be forced to spend their hard earned lira on ham and tablets and...Hey, Brachus, doesn't your family make something sweet?
Brachus: Yeah! We could fill those baskets with sweets that would rot out the little rug rats teeth! My brother is a barber so he totally would make a fortune pulling teeth. He's thinking of specializing. He worked on Adulus last month.
Hallmarkus: Dude, did not. I've been to your brother and I think his parents were brother and sister too. So back to the baskets...
Cadburian: We've totally been experimenting in something called cacao over at my factory. The slaves might be able to make it into bunny shapes. I could try beating them until they do. You know what would be easier? Eggs. Can we tie in eggs?
Hallmarkus: Eggs? Bunnies don't lay eggs. Oh! I got it! Chicks! Little bitty fuzzy ones. You know before they grow up and get nasty.
Brachus: Yeah. I've been working on this gooey white stuff. I wonder if I could mold it into something like that. It's pretty disgusting and no one is buying so we have a huge pile of it. Not too many repeat customers for it. Once they taste it we don't usually here another peep out of them. What to call it?
Hallmarkus: So we're agreed. I'll do hams, Hallmarkus is going to craft some cutesy, dippy tablets, Brachus you're going to make something out of goo and Cadburian, you're going to handle making something out of eggs and possibly bunnies. I think that we have formulated an excellent way to suck those folks in. Well, I'm starting to prune so I'm off to the pool. Hey, I think I'm going to have my litter carried over to my brother-in-laws later. His toga business has been off especially in the children's sizes. I bet he could whip up some absurdly over-priced and uncomfortable things that we'll convince parents the kids have to wear to Temple or they'll be talked about. Hoo! This is gonna be fun!
(and before I get three hundred emails telling me I'm all prejudice, I'm not. I'm making fun of the bizarre retail that has sprung up around Easter. I spent my morning dying eggs with my two year old and I have no idea why we did it. We bought her a bunny at Borders last weekend. Why? I've spent about thirty dollars buying crap for a basket I have to put out in the middle of the night like it was left there by a giant rabbit. This makes no sense unless it was all a conspiracy that someone thought up at some point.)
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Well, maybe not
Okay, one of my LOST theories blown to a millions pieces. I'm never right about anything. Well, okay I was right about Libby but beyond that NOTHING. I'm assuming last night's Easter Egg was Rose's pill bottle so I'll see if I can find a screen cap of it for you.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Book News
Want to hear something exciting?
Friday I woke up feeling rather optimistic about my book for a change. So I whipped out my list of agents and emailed the ones that accepted queries in that format. I guess I did that at about 5ish. At 6:30 I checked my email and HAD A RESPONSE! Not just from anyone but Jenny Bent (of Sweet Potato Queens fame) asking for my partial and she sent me a RELASE FORM to sign. Never did I think I would be signing a release form from Trident Media. This is one of those it's an honor just to be nominated moments.
So to follow up my triumphant, today I sent out the long awaited partial to Kristin Nelson and got to mark it REQUESTED MATERIAL. And I'm going to send Trident their requested stuff as soon as I write my synopsis.
Synopsis are evil. They were thought up by Satan to cripple writers. Many a decent manuscript has died a horrible death at the hands of a bad synopsis. But I just have to suck it up and do it. I also wrote my writer's bio. It's supposed to list my writing credits. I have none so it was short.
On a personal note, I'd like to throw up my arms and announce BACHTACULAR news. My daughter is potty training and seems to be digging the concept. Amen!
Friday I woke up feeling rather optimistic about my book for a change. So I whipped out my list of agents and emailed the ones that accepted queries in that format. I guess I did that at about 5ish. At 6:30 I checked my email and HAD A RESPONSE! Not just from anyone but Jenny Bent (of Sweet Potato Queens fame) asking for my partial and she sent me a RELASE FORM to sign. Never did I think I would be signing a release form from Trident Media. This is one of those it's an honor just to be nominated moments.
So to follow up my triumphant, today I sent out the long awaited partial to Kristin Nelson and got to mark it REQUESTED MATERIAL. And I'm going to send Trident their requested stuff as soon as I write my synopsis.
Synopsis are evil. They were thought up by Satan to cripple writers. Many a decent manuscript has died a horrible death at the hands of a bad synopsis. But I just have to suck it up and do it. I also wrote my writer's bio. It's supposed to list my writing credits. I have none so it was short.
On a personal note, I'd like to throw up my arms and announce BACHTACULAR news. My daughter is potty training and seems to be digging the concept. Amen!
Friday, April 07, 2006
Assumptions based on nothing
Lately I've been on the receiving end of several anonymous replies to something I've posted hitting my email directly or on a mass mailing list of something someone I know is sending out. This is two separate issues, by the way.
First, anytime you start a blog and basically make your personal journal public, you're opening yourself up to people who do not agree with you. I understand that. I have no problem with that. But what does bother me is when people reply to things as anonymous. I've been witness to a number of rather feral attacks on people via email that are signed anonymous. Is there something about being able to stay hidden that makes you proud to be rude? Is it that in your daily life you're in a situation with no control or are very unhappy and so you wander around looking for things you can state your opinion about in the rudest terms possible and then hide because you can dish it out but not take it? It's immature, it's creepy and it's wrong. If you're too ashamed to attach your name to something, then you don't truly believe in it and therefore you have no business expressing it anywhere but your own journal/blog. This is a reply one of our friends got on his blog today when he had posted a one paragraph blurb about a baseball player. Our friend is probably the least offensive human on the planet and I am NOT kidding.
Dude, your name is DMurphy. That's just like Dale Murphy. Obviously you're just a huge tool.
Here are all the reasons why you're just an arm of the conspiracy:
1. You're an Atlanta fan. Atlanta has won 14 straight pennants because they're the center of the red-state South. Atlanta is thusly permitted to win baseball pennants each year in order to assure that the votes in the South stay Republican and keep Bush in the White House.
2. You're a "Braves" fan. How could it be anymore obvious? You're basically cheering for a team that has an oppressed minority as its mascot. The fact that you cheer for such a team is evidence that you're willing to exploit minorities for your own gain and that you are, therefore, a racist.
3. Your obsession with Bobby Dews indicates that you hate old people. Well, you know what, they hate you too. And they have more money than you.
4. I noticed you page background is white. Coincidence? I don't think so.
5. Baseball is just a game of the upper class when they're not too busy exploiting slave labor in 3rd world countries. You're crazy obsession with America's (read: The Imperialist Empire's) pasttime shows that you're nothing but an ehtnocentric BLEEP.
6. The Braves refused to give Shirley Lawson, a star catcher from the Westwood Jumbos softball team, a tryout. It's evidence that the Braves are a part of the male partriarchal conspiracy and that you merely reaffirm said oppression.
Fight the power.
This person actually did attach a blog link onto this but when clicked it's a dead end. Coward. I would like to know where this person is living and what they are wearing, eating or using that isn't from a third world country. Perhaps this is a survivalist who built their own generator and makes their own rubber soles for their books? I'd also lile to know more about what this conspiracy is. Our friend posted a very polite reply on his blog but forgot to ask for supporting documents and graphs.
The second issue is this. I've been getting lots of CC or forwarded emails. They're from people I know. I think. There needs to be some etiquette attached to these things. Or maybe just some common sense. Recently I got this:
We should all be more involved and informed when it comes to politics. Otherwise, there is no reason to complain about the way this country is being run. I personally am sick and tired of hearing about amnesty for illegal aliens.
(HIS WIFE) has been in this country legally for 9 years on student and work visas. She speaks better English than anyone else I know. She busted her buns to get her marketing degree at KSU and is now (Deleted)Marketing Manager for (Deleted). After we got married we applied to get her green card/citizenship as well as work and travel permits. To file these forms cost us over $2,000 and plenty of time doing research and filling out complicated forms. This past Monday she was finally granted her green card (yeah!!!) after almost 2 years.
Now, our government wants to give amnesty to those who entered this country illegally, are working illegally, and have not assimilated themselves into our society. What will this cost the illegals? Not a thing. They will be rewarded for breaking our laws. This is not the American way. I personally will be sending some letters to my representatives (as if they have not heard from me enough regarding the Fair Tax plan). I found an interesting way to stay informed. You can sign up for weekly emails that notify you about current issues and the way your representatives vote on them. The link is below.
I've removed their names and her job as a courtesy. This person clearly knows nothing about us or they would never have sent us such an offensive email. My husband and I both replied and it wasn't pretty. There seems to be this narrow minded view that makes people assume because you think something, that everyone else you know is of the same mind set particularly when it comes to sensitive issues. Normally, I would never post an email like this but again, if you're sending it to everyone....
(This will seem strange but I believe this may have been God working through this person. I had been pondering and praying about an issue for the last two weeks and this pretty much was the final nail in the coffin. So, I guess the Lord does work in mysterious ways.)
So from now on, here are some guidelines to sending our family any group or CC emails.
1) As yourself if we care. The best way to proceed would be to send us an email that starts with Dear Rob and Staci but we know that sometimes this is just not practical.
2) If you have determined that they do, then please write the purpose of your email clearly in the title box. Prayer Request, Banana Bread Recipe, Alien Autopsy Photos, etc.
3) Do not assume you know anything about us unless we are actually friends and not acquaintances (And I'll say that we move to the friend level when we go out and do things together. I would not consider the mailman my friend even though we often chit chat at the box). Please do not assume we are:
Republican
Democrat
Green Party
Libertarian
Bigots
KKK
White Supremacist
Pro-Illegal Amnesty
Con-Illegal Amnesty
Minority (Actually I will clue you in on this one. My husband, and thus daughter, are part Cherokee and anything that starts with "those illegals" just pushes his buttons really badly, see above email. Again a fine example of what happens when you assume things about people you do not know.)
Not-Minority
Affiliated with any religion other then Christian, but we are certainly open to hearing others views since we pride ourselves on giving everyone a chance to express themselves appropriately, in the right place and at the right time and not just in an attempt to make others uncomfortable
Pro-Choice
Pro-Life
Pro-NRA
Con-NRA
For capitol punishment
Against capitol punishment
Vegetarians
Not-Vegetarians
environmentalists
Not-environmentalists
Fans or not fans of any actors/actresses/musicians/movies/authors/directors or any particular type of live performances which may include but are not limited to Kabuki theatre, French films, Michael Moore, South Park, spoken word or underground performance art
Pro-corporal punishment
Con-corporal punishment
Pro-public education
Con-public education
Interested in your sex life
Interested in your parent's sex life
Interested in mixing church and state
Moderating any family issues
We do not watch American Idol, The Apprentice, West Wing, 24 or Survivor. Please remove us from your speculation and adoration emails concerning these shows since we have no idea what you're talking about
Your movements to legalize, stablilize, tax, untax, censor or uncensor
Pro-Gay
Con-Gay
4) Having run through all of the above questions in your head, ask yourself if your email is germane and meets these standards. If not, please do not SPAM us but post your opinion on your own blog and email us the link with the heading My Blog.
First, anytime you start a blog and basically make your personal journal public, you're opening yourself up to people who do not agree with you. I understand that. I have no problem with that. But what does bother me is when people reply to things as anonymous. I've been witness to a number of rather feral attacks on people via email that are signed anonymous. Is there something about being able to stay hidden that makes you proud to be rude? Is it that in your daily life you're in a situation with no control or are very unhappy and so you wander around looking for things you can state your opinion about in the rudest terms possible and then hide because you can dish it out but not take it? It's immature, it's creepy and it's wrong. If you're too ashamed to attach your name to something, then you don't truly believe in it and therefore you have no business expressing it anywhere but your own journal/blog. This is a reply one of our friends got on his blog today when he had posted a one paragraph blurb about a baseball player. Our friend is probably the least offensive human on the planet and I am NOT kidding.
Dude, your name is DMurphy. That's just like Dale Murphy. Obviously you're just a huge tool.
Here are all the reasons why you're just an arm of the conspiracy:
1. You're an Atlanta fan. Atlanta has won 14 straight pennants because they're the center of the red-state South. Atlanta is thusly permitted to win baseball pennants each year in order to assure that the votes in the South stay Republican and keep Bush in the White House.
2. You're a "Braves" fan. How could it be anymore obvious? You're basically cheering for a team that has an oppressed minority as its mascot. The fact that you cheer for such a team is evidence that you're willing to exploit minorities for your own gain and that you are, therefore, a racist.
3. Your obsession with Bobby Dews indicates that you hate old people. Well, you know what, they hate you too. And they have more money than you.
4. I noticed you page background is white. Coincidence? I don't think so.
5. Baseball is just a game of the upper class when they're not too busy exploiting slave labor in 3rd world countries. You're crazy obsession with America's (read: The Imperialist Empire's) pasttime shows that you're nothing but an ehtnocentric BLEEP.
6. The Braves refused to give Shirley Lawson, a star catcher from the Westwood Jumbos softball team, a tryout. It's evidence that the Braves are a part of the male partriarchal conspiracy and that you merely reaffirm said oppression.
Fight the power.
This person actually did attach a blog link onto this but when clicked it's a dead end. Coward. I would like to know where this person is living and what they are wearing, eating or using that isn't from a third world country. Perhaps this is a survivalist who built their own generator and makes their own rubber soles for their books? I'd also lile to know more about what this conspiracy is. Our friend posted a very polite reply on his blog but forgot to ask for supporting documents and graphs.
The second issue is this. I've been getting lots of CC or forwarded emails. They're from people I know. I think. There needs to be some etiquette attached to these things. Or maybe just some common sense. Recently I got this:
We should all be more involved and informed when it comes to politics. Otherwise, there is no reason to complain about the way this country is being run. I personally am sick and tired of hearing about amnesty for illegal aliens.
(HIS WIFE) has been in this country legally for 9 years on student and work visas. She speaks better English than anyone else I know. She busted her buns to get her marketing degree at KSU and is now (Deleted)Marketing Manager for (Deleted). After we got married we applied to get her green card/citizenship as well as work and travel permits. To file these forms cost us over $2,000 and plenty of time doing research and filling out complicated forms. This past Monday she was finally granted her green card (yeah!!!) after almost 2 years.
Now, our government wants to give amnesty to those who entered this country illegally, are working illegally, and have not assimilated themselves into our society. What will this cost the illegals? Not a thing. They will be rewarded for breaking our laws. This is not the American way. I personally will be sending some letters to my representatives (as if they have not heard from me enough regarding the Fair Tax plan). I found an interesting way to stay informed. You can sign up for weekly emails that notify you about current issues and the way your representatives vote on them. The link is below.
I've removed their names and her job as a courtesy. This person clearly knows nothing about us or they would never have sent us such an offensive email. My husband and I both replied and it wasn't pretty. There seems to be this narrow minded view that makes people assume because you think something, that everyone else you know is of the same mind set particularly when it comes to sensitive issues. Normally, I would never post an email like this but again, if you're sending it to everyone....
(This will seem strange but I believe this may have been God working through this person. I had been pondering and praying about an issue for the last two weeks and this pretty much was the final nail in the coffin. So, I guess the Lord does work in mysterious ways.)
So from now on, here are some guidelines to sending our family any group or CC emails.
1) As yourself if we care. The best way to proceed would be to send us an email that starts with Dear Rob and Staci but we know that sometimes this is just not practical.
2) If you have determined that they do, then please write the purpose of your email clearly in the title box. Prayer Request, Banana Bread Recipe, Alien Autopsy Photos, etc.
3) Do not assume you know anything about us unless we are actually friends and not acquaintances (And I'll say that we move to the friend level when we go out and do things together. I would not consider the mailman my friend even though we often chit chat at the box). Please do not assume we are:
Republican
Democrat
Green Party
Libertarian
Bigots
KKK
White Supremacist
Pro-Illegal Amnesty
Con-Illegal Amnesty
Minority (Actually I will clue you in on this one. My husband, and thus daughter, are part Cherokee and anything that starts with "those illegals" just pushes his buttons really badly, see above email. Again a fine example of what happens when you assume things about people you do not know.)
Not-Minority
Affiliated with any religion other then Christian, but we are certainly open to hearing others views since we pride ourselves on giving everyone a chance to express themselves appropriately, in the right place and at the right time and not just in an attempt to make others uncomfortable
Pro-Choice
Pro-Life
Pro-NRA
Con-NRA
For capitol punishment
Against capitol punishment
Vegetarians
Not-Vegetarians
environmentalists
Not-environmentalists
Fans or not fans of any actors/actresses/musicians/movies/authors/directors or any particular type of live performances which may include but are not limited to Kabuki theatre, French films, Michael Moore, South Park, spoken word or underground performance art
Pro-corporal punishment
Con-corporal punishment
Pro-public education
Con-public education
Interested in your sex life
Interested in your parent's sex life
Interested in mixing church and state
Moderating any family issues
We do not watch American Idol, The Apprentice, West Wing, 24 or Survivor. Please remove us from your speculation and adoration emails concerning these shows since we have no idea what you're talking about
Your movements to legalize, stablilize, tax, untax, censor or uncensor
Pro-Gay
Con-Gay
4) Having run through all of the above questions in your head, ask yourself if your email is germane and meets these standards. If not, please do not SPAM us but post your opinion on your own blog and email us the link with the heading My Blog.
Friday Fun...
Today, let's all take a break. It's spring break in many areas of the country and just because I'm no longer in high school doesn't mean I shouldn't take a little time away. So join me at my favorite hotels for a cocktail and massage...
Four Seasons Downloadable Screensaver
Four Seasons Downloadable Screensaver
Thursday, April 06, 2006
LOST Theories not blown to hell yet
Yes, everytime I plot out a decent theory it gets shot the next episode. I'm just not the conspiracy expert that my husband, Chasing The Fluency God, is.
But I have some new ones that might work. Until next week when JJ Abrahams mocks me.
1) There are many a current spoiler on spoilerfix that Rose and Locke have something in common. My guess? One kidney. AND possibly that Rose has Locke's kidney. I know that seems bizarre but it's LOST. Why not Daddy Locke selling off his own ill-gotten kidney or getting killed and an organ transplant takes place? Can you transplant a transplant organ? I bet you can in LOST world.
2) Daddy Locke is Original Recipe Sawyer. My back-up ORS is Kate's step-father. I've done some back of the envelope math from Sledgeweb's Lost Stuff and while Kate's Dad may be a bit young, it would work.
3) Sawyer 2.0 is the man Jack's wife left him for. Totally fits the profile. A young, neglected wife married to a SURGEON who could divorce him and possibly get a nice settlement.
4) Libby is a stalker (I know this seems like a jumped in late with this one but I through this out on the televisionwithoutpity.com Lost Speculation with Spoilers Board (if you've not hung out with these folks, I encourage you to at least go and lurk. They're all brilliant. Also, look out for SecretAgentMan who actually has some mysterious connection to the show but drops in every once in awhile to check our theories and offer helpful tidbits)
when Libby first appeared and we got the word that she was NOT a therapist but a chronic liar. Plus she told Hurley that he remembered her from the plane. Not likely since he was the last to board and in the front row and she was in the TAIL.
5) The Pearl location on the Hatch Map (see last post) is an underwater hatch station.
6) Helen and Locke's Dad? Totally in it together. Totally.
Possible continuity error or clever plot point: Locke's Dad was so wealthy he lived in a house with a personal security guard posted out front. It's not like you can get a staff on credit or even if the whole group were his henachmen/women they would be totally vested for months in helping him get a kidney. So, let's say that they were not. What's $700,000.00 to him?
Questions aside from the question of why these Losties never ask any questions:
Why didn't anyone see this magical plane that dumped this food? Either no plane was there (obvious explanation) or a Chasing the FluencyGod style theory, when the alarm sounds and the doors close some sort of knock out gas is administered so that no one sees a plane. How's that for way out there?
Did fauxHenry not think they would dig up the body? They LOVE to exhume on this island. LOVE it! Looks like the Other spies (of which I think there is at least still one) would have shared that 411.
Was this week's Easter Egg the logo on the plane that passed over Locke when he got to the motel? I looked at the food boxes but too obvious. Anyone with the answer? We also tried to check the driver's license but it was hard to see on our baby tv. I'm sure I'll find the screen cap later on the TWOP boards.
On a final note...Battlestar won a Peabody Award, announced yesterday.
But I have some new ones that might work. Until next week when JJ Abrahams mocks me.
1) There are many a current spoiler on spoilerfix that Rose and Locke have something in common. My guess? One kidney. AND possibly that Rose has Locke's kidney. I know that seems bizarre but it's LOST. Why not Daddy Locke selling off his own ill-gotten kidney or getting killed and an organ transplant takes place? Can you transplant a transplant organ? I bet you can in LOST world.
2) Daddy Locke is Original Recipe Sawyer. My back-up ORS is Kate's step-father. I've done some back of the envelope math from Sledgeweb's Lost Stuff and while Kate's Dad may be a bit young, it would work.
3) Sawyer 2.0 is the man Jack's wife left him for. Totally fits the profile. A young, neglected wife married to a SURGEON who could divorce him and possibly get a nice settlement.
4) Libby is a stalker (I know this seems like a jumped in late with this one but I through this out on the televisionwithoutpity.com Lost Speculation with Spoilers Board (if you've not hung out with these folks, I encourage you to at least go and lurk. They're all brilliant. Also, look out for SecretAgentMan who actually has some mysterious connection to the show but drops in every once in awhile to check our theories and offer helpful tidbits)
when Libby first appeared and we got the word that she was NOT a therapist but a chronic liar. Plus she told Hurley that he remembered her from the plane. Not likely since he was the last to board and in the front row and she was in the TAIL.
5) The Pearl location on the Hatch Map (see last post) is an underwater hatch station.
6) Helen and Locke's Dad? Totally in it together. Totally.
Possible continuity error or clever plot point: Locke's Dad was so wealthy he lived in a house with a personal security guard posted out front. It's not like you can get a staff on credit or even if the whole group were his henachmen/women they would be totally vested for months in helping him get a kidney. So, let's say that they were not. What's $700,000.00 to him?
Questions aside from the question of why these Losties never ask any questions:
Why didn't anyone see this magical plane that dumped this food? Either no plane was there (obvious explanation) or a Chasing the FluencyGod style theory, when the alarm sounds and the doors close some sort of knock out gas is administered so that no one sees a plane. How's that for way out there?
Did fauxHenry not think they would dig up the body? They LOVE to exhume on this island. LOVE it! Looks like the Other spies (of which I think there is at least still one) would have shared that 411.
Was this week's Easter Egg the logo on the plane that passed over Locke when he got to the motel? I looked at the food boxes but too obvious. Anyone with the answer? We also tried to check the driver's license but it was hard to see on our baby tv. I'm sure I'll find the screen cap later on the TWOP boards.
On a final note...Battlestar won a Peabody Award, announced yesterday.
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